The Edspire Three: A Very Rare Post From Daddy

David has written this sibling section of the funeral from the perspective of Esther and William.

I may be biased but I think it is wonderful.

I would love to know what you think.

When Baby Tilda first arrived at our house, just before tea time, Granny and Granddad had been looking after us and it seemed a bit funny for Mummy and Daddy to bring a “Baby Tiger” home in a car seat.

She was very small and you had to be very careful of her, and you mustn’t throw things in her cot, but mostly she seemed quite good, but a bit boring for a little “Baby Tiger”.

When we got a bit bigger we knew that really she was “Baby Tilda” and not a “Baby Tiger” after all.
Baby Tilda liked to lie across Mummy’s tummy and snuggle up to get her food, she didn’t eat fish fingers or beans. We liked to hold our teddies across our tummies and give them some food too, sometimes we’d walk round the house like this saying “their having some food!” – just to make sure mummy and daddy knew what was happening. Esther still likes to do this now.

One day Baby Tilda was bouncing in her Jumperoo, William thought she might be thirsty so we tried to give her some water from our drinking cups, she didn’t seem to want any so we tried shaking the cups above her head instead. This gave her a nice shower like flowers can have from a watering can. She didn’t seem to like it a first, but we think she was probably just about to, but then mummy stopped us and said it was naughty.

Once Baby Tilda was a little bit bigger she was allowed to come in the bath with us, you must be very careful of her and not squash her if you wanted to get past to the other end of the bath. If you were careful and good you could wash her carefully by pouring some water over her tummy and sometimes her head, she liked the water on her tummy, and she quite liked the water over her head, but not too much water.

We liked to give Baby Tilda big cuddles and kisses. The best thing to do is to give her as much cuddle as possible as quickly as you can because you never knew when mummy or daddy might come along and stop you and tell you to be careful. She did sometimes get a bit squashed because she got soo much cuddle so quickly, but she would really like it, sometimes she would giggle and flap her arms, but could get a bit grumpy if the cuddle went on a bit too long or was a bit too big.

Sometimes when we were cuddling her she would pull our hair, but we never got cross with her because we knew she was just little. When she pulled on Esthers hair or pulled her pretty dress Esther would laugh and say ‘she likes my hair’, because Baby Tilda did like Esther’s hair and did like looking at her pretty dresses very much.

Baby Tilda had her baby toys and we have all our big toys. Sometimes Baby Tilda would start trying to play with one of our toys! Mummy and Daddy would say that she was “just looking at it” but we could see that actually she was trying to play with it! So we‘d tell her “No No No Baby Tilda! No!” and quickly come over and take it away. This made Baby Tilda sad and mummy and daddy sad, so mummy said that if we took our toy away we should give her one of her baby toys to play with instead. So from then on we would always throw a baby toy at her after we had taken our toy back so she would have a nice toy to play with and wouldn’t be sad. But then we learnt that you shouldn’t throw toys so we would mostly just give her a toy nicely.

Sometimes when we were all in our high chairs we might be looking at something or looking at the story daddy was reading and Baby Tilda would be in her high chair too. Sometimes she was close to us and she would lean over and try and take our bowls or our spoons. Luckily mostly we could see her doing it so we could tell her “Noo Noo Noo Baby Tilda, you should have a baby spoon”. But she didn’t seem to know, and sometimes she managed to get our spoon and tried to put it in her mouth!

Other times we would be having snack time on the carpet watching long Thomas or maybe show me show me and Baby Tilda would come leaning over and try and take our crisps or our grapes. She was a funny Baby Tilda.

On the last day we saw Baby Tilda she had started to crawl around the room. We had been showing her how to crawl for ages but she had only just learned it. It was very tricky to try and keep her playing only with her baby toys and she would keep crawling after all our big toys. Esther tried to pick up all the big toys off the floor at once so Baby Tilda couldn’t play with them, but it is very tricky holding so many toys at once.

One day we woke up and Mummy and Daddy seemed very sad and Baby Tilda wasn’t in her high chair at breakfast time. We didn’t know where she was and Mummy and Daddy said she had Died, and she was gone, gone to be star in the sky, and she wasn’t coming back. They were very sad. We didn’t really understand so William asked for some more Shreddies, as he had eaten all of his.

But then she wasn’t there at tea time either, or in the bath, or the next morning at breakfast time, or anytime ever again. When we went in the car her car seat wasn’t there and she wasn’t in it. We told mummy and daddy in case they had forgotten her and they told us again that she had died and wouldn’t be coming in the car again, they were very sad.

Now we know Baby Tilda has died and gone to be a star in the sky

We like to talk about Baby Tilda being a star in the sky. Esther said Baby Tilda is up in the sky looking for stars and the moon.

Esther was listening to the funny telephone mummy daddy use to listen to us in bed. Mummy asked her what she was listening to and she said she was “Listening to Baby Tilda in the sky”.

Later mummy asked us if we liked Baby Tilda, William said – No! – because he had just remembered once when she took his toys. Esther was a bit sad and said “I loiked Baby Tilda”.

Esther likes looking at the video of Baby Tilda with music on Mummy’s laptop and William likes helping Mummy write Baby Tilda’s name in the sand at the seaside. We both like looking at Baby Tilda’s pictures.

We miss our Baby Tiger.

We miss you Baby Tiger!

51 thoughts on “The Edspire Three: A Very Rare Post From Daddy

  1. Beautifully written and utterly heartbreaking. I’m just so terribly sorry for you all. I hope there is some small moments of peace for you all xxx

  2. Beautiful words.
    You are in our thoughts constantly and will be right at the front of my mind tomorrow.
    The celebration of Matilda Mae’s life you have prepared is perfect for your perfect little girl.
    I am so terribly sorry you are in this awful situation.
    Thinking of you all x

  3. This is so sweet and will be lovely for them to read when they’re older to show them just how much they love her. You will all be in my thoughts tomorrow x

  4. What a wonderful pair you and your husband make; beautiful words that your twins will cherish when older. I hope your day is a perfect goodbye to your darling daughter, from all I have read on your blog, your tributes show what a fantastic mother you have been to MM and will continue to be for your twins. You have inspired me to try my best as a mother as every moment counts. I think of you and your family every day and will be thinking of you especially tomorrow. X

  5. Your strength as a family an inspiration to parents everywhere. Thank you for sharing your words, you will all be in my thoughts tomorrow xxx

  6. That made me giggle & cry all at the same time. It’s beautiful, perfect & sums up a sibling relationship to a T. Your husband is a wonderfully eloquent man. I have my pink dress ready for tomorrow and will be thinking about you. We’ve never met but Matilda Mae has touched my heart. I wish you strength and peace. x

  7. Such a beautifully written words about your little Tilda Mae. You have planned the celebration of her little life to perfection, and will be in the hearts of so many people tomorrow as you say goodbye. xxxxx

  8. My thoughts are with you for tomorrow. My little girl was born asleep in 1986 and I wrote this poem for her. Thought I would share it with you. Tomorrow will be one of the hardest in your life and I feel such sadness for you all. Kind thoughts, Gillian

    Precious Little One
    Well little one, how are things in heaven, I hear myself say
    Little one, I would like to know if your’re alright
    Tell me
    Have you found everlasting day
    Have you seen the pretty flowers
    Have you seen a rainbow
    Have you felt the rain on your soft skin
    Do your little fingers touch and explore
    Have you felt your Mommy’s arms around you little one
    Because they are there every day
    Give me a smile for I have never seen it
    But I am sure its beautiful
    I am with you every day
    Precious little one, never be alone, Mommy’s here
    Have you chased a butterfly
    Have you seen the man on the moon
    Have you seen the stars at night and wished upon a shooting star
    Have you seen the magic of a shooting star
    Every day I hold your tiny hand
    And show you all these wonderful things
    Precious little one, never be alone, Mommy’s here

  9. Jennie, it’s lovely. I will think of you all tomorrow and keep you in my prayers. Amelia and I will blow bubbles to heaven too from the garden. Xxx

  10. Oh goodness what a lovely thing to write, I’m sure that as the twins get older this will really help them to keep the memories of tilda alive. A really beautiful video too x

  11. You’re not biased, not one little bit. I’ve stopped crying now and can say that this is truly amazing. Your husband is a good writer – I could actually picture this experience through your children’s eyes and imagine them speaking. It’s really very special that he could see all of this from their perspective. How very in touch with his children he is – an amazing Father!

    You are an amazing family Jenny and your strength and courage are inspiring. I hope that sharing with us is helping you to deal with this and want you to know, we are stil reading, awe struck by your strength. Tilda’s star will be shining very brightly tonight!

  12. Poignant and beautifully written. It captures siblings perfectly and made me smile as my own daughters have done exactly that and said exactly that. I almost couldnt leave a comment as am so very sad for your loss xx

  13. I’ve just got in from Matilda’s most beautiful funeral. I will never forget. This family is so special. No one should have to carry their baby in a coffin. David is truely amazing & dear Jennie, your pain is so deep & sharp. I am so sorry. I promise never to forget Matilda Mae & will always carry her in my heart. xxx

  14. This time last week I had just happened upon your blog Jennie…as a mother to a 23mo boy it broke my heart to imagine what you and your family must have gone through on the night you found Matilda Mae sleeping, and every day since.
    I have followed you on twitter since then wondering where you find your strength from and trying to make myself a better mother every day…to not stress over the little things…to have more patience with my son…and to cherish him every day. I tell him I love him, squeeze him that little bit harder and think of you and your family every day…
    Now I find myself in tears yet again. I read David’s words on the day you laid Baby Tilda to rest but have only just sat and watched the photo montage…truly beautiful. How very hard it must be for your twins to comprehend why their Baby Tiger left and didn’t say goodbye. But through the words in your blog, when they are old enough, they will have an amazing record of their baby sister’s life and the love you have for them all.
    She will be waiting for her Mommy in heaven…but until then she will watch over you all
    Never forgotten, always loved.

  15. Pingback: Matilda Mae’s Memory Garden: 9 Months On | Edspire

  16. Thank you for sharing this again today. David is a fabulous writer. The bit about reminding you you’d *forgotten* to put Tilda in the car seat got me. Its hard to believe its been a year since then. X Huge love to ALL of you.

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