My unedited rambling, flowing from a troubled mind …
You find your baby
Cold and still
No longer breathing
No life left
You try to make her breathe again
You dial 999
The medics try to save her
They tell you what you already know
There is nothing that can be done
Nothing they or you can do
Your baby is taken to the hospital
You follow
Stunned
Silent
Shocked
You are questioned
You retell the little life you have lost
It does not take long
Not nearly long enough
You have your chance to say goodbye
You ruin it
Begging a dead baby to wake up
Something that somewhere inside you know she cannot do
But you carry on begging her anyway
Just incase there has been some terrible mistake
Your baby is taken away
You are taken home
The house is quiet
Oh so quiet
No one really knows what to say
Acknowledging death makes it real
You think that you are going to be okay
There is no emotion
You are too numb to feel
You send everyone away
Until you realise you do not want to be on your own
You try to tell other people
Family and friends who need to know
You do not know how to tell your children
How do you explain their sister has died?
Their baby sister has gone to the sky.
Beyond the clouds and we will never be able to see her again.
The earliest hours are the hardest
You just don’t know what to do
You have to try and function
But are unsure how to begin
The tea keeps coming
Hot and sugary sweet
The tears keep flowing
Warm and stinging and salty
Your heart keeps breaking
Over and over again
Your mind keeps questioning
Was it our fault?
What more could we, should we have done?
Hours turn to days, days turn to weeks
Questions are still unanswered
Why did she die?
How did it happen?
Baby is taken for post mortem
Surely then we will have the answers that we need?
Baby did not suffocate.
Baby did not overheat.
No obvious cause of death.
They have looked for the most obvious, possible things.
Sudden Infant Death.
When a healthy baby dies
For absolutely no reason at all.
How are you supposed to live with that?
How can you ever make things right?
How can life ever be peaceful again?
With all the questioning
The worrying
The panicking
How can you go on as a mother when your baby dies?
How can you go on a father when your baby dies?
How do you continue to grow as a family when your baby dies?
Post Mortem, finished.
Funeral, finished.
All the people who have stood solidly by your side
Trickle away to the reality of lives of their own
Families complete and waiting to be loved
What happens to you after a baby dies?
Nothing is ever normal again.
Your heart goes on breaking.
Your mind goes on blaming.
A never ending circle of questions and worries and tears
The immediate pain is over
But the searing, burning, painful pain
Does not ever go away
It hits you when you least expect it
Knocks you to the ground and holds you there
As you strain and squirm
And search for some light at the end of the long dark tunnel
The darkness that you are lost in
After your baby dies.
All that is left after a baby dies x
Oh jennie. If there was anything I could do to make things different… please don’t feel we are trickling away. True friends won’t do that. I am here whenever I can be of help
Xxxxx
I would not be ale to express in words what to say to you, but if I could I would try to take some of the pain away. Tilda will never be forgotten, RIP little star your time was too short.xxx
Hugs and love to Esther and William.xx
oh Jennie, please know everyone is still here wishing and hoping that you heal just a tiny bit, it is so hard to comprehend how too, but I know you have David and the twins and your love together as a family will keep you all going through these terrible times. Matilda is very much in my thoughts and many many others and she always will be xx
You are all in my heart and my mind, every single day.
jenni my hear is breaking for you but know we are all stil here standing with you ready to try and pick you up if you fall xxx
My heart breaks for you Jennie. Xxx
I’m not going anywhere xxxx
Still here, still reading xxxx
(((Jennie))) it is a very long, dark tunnel, but there is light there at the end. It takes a long time to see it, but it is there. Beautiful Matilda Mae will help guide you through xxx
🙁 We are here. Keep going. Just keep breathing, hurting, crying, remembering, blogging, eating, sleeping, loving. So sorry I can’t change things and bring her back for you and that you will have to find a way to live like this forever, but I pray and know in my heart that there will be times that are less painful than this (and that sometimes you’ll feel guilty, probably, for feeling so happy when Matilda’s not with you) and other times it will be horrifically hard, but you will keep living because you are strong and amazing. Wish we could take away your pain and bring back your baby girl 🙁 x x x x x x x x x x x x
We are not trickling away, we are will ALWAYS be here for you.
I just wish I lived closer to you so I could be with you and comfort you, make you more hot sugary sweet tea and offer you my shoulder to cry on and my words to try and comfort you. I am always thinking of you and Matilda. Always. Please know that. You never really leave my thoughts.
I’ve seen and shared too much to ever leave you and trickle away – and I know Susanne feels the same. Friends forever. Remember that. Forever.
Much love and strength to you xx
This is the first time i’ve commented on your blog Jennie, but felt I just had to today.
I just wish I could take away some of this terrible pain. I wish I could bring Matilda Mae back. It breaks my heart that I can’t.
I am not going anywhere either, I read your blogs daily and think of you al the time.
You inspired my blog, and as you know it’s dedicated to Matilda.
She’ll aways be remembered, even though I did not know her.
You are very strong and brave Jennie.
I hope tomorrow is an easier day for you all xxxxxxx
Still here. Wish there wAs something I could do. If I was there and I knew you, is just give you a hug. xxx
I think of you every day. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I emailed you and send you messages through twitter and your blog to let you know that you have support. I wish you every strength x
Jennie – I’ve not met you but I have commented on here and sent a poem via e-mail. I think about you, David, the twins and Matilda every day – that is the impact she has had. I wish I could absorb some of your pain. I wish I could change things for you. I think even if I try to imagine your pain it wouldn’t even come close to reality. But believe me when I say that if I knew you, I would be there for you every minute of every day for as long as you needed….listening, holding, caring,talking – I’m sure you are just as much in the thoughts of everybody around you as before -but it’s hard to know what to do and how to be when someone close to you is suffering so greatly. I’m always wary about commenting as I worry about saying ‘the wrong thing’ or something but then I think that the thought of someone thinking about you-however ‘remote -‘ might be just a little bit of comfort – I hope so anyway. x
No one knows how you’re feeling right now unless they’ve lived through it, so I won’t pretend to understand how it feels. My aunt lost her daughter in a tragic accident many years ago, a lot of family members blamed themselves, no one was at fault, just as you are not to blame. My aunt went through some incredibly difficult times but with the love and support of her family and two beautiful children to love and care for she got through those darkest days and was able to focus on the many happy memories of her daughter’s life rather than the sad ones. Grief is complicated and unpredictable, everyone feels it differently, allow yourself feel how you need to when you need to. talking to a counsellor would probably help you to come to terms with your loss, it’s been a very traumatic experience for both you and your husband. Time is the best healer, from what I’ve been told the pain does ease and some day you will feel mostly happiness and warmth when you think about your time with Tilda. Soo many people are holding you and Tilda in their thoughts and prayers everyday, you are an amazing mummy, all of those beautiful smiles where as a result of the love and happiness that surrounded her, you gave Tilda so much in the time she was with you, always remember that x
We are not trickling away. I ensure I check your tweets and blog daily because you are never far from my thoughts. There is nothing I can say to make anything better or make you feel any different or make anything right. But I am here thinking of you and your family Jennie, always. Huge love Jennie x x
I remember your hand in mine
Fingers entwining with mine
And do you know, I would jump across to the other side if I could catch you?
These clouds that I stare at,
And the wind that brushes across my skin,
It must be you
And do you know, I would jump across to the other side if I could catch you?
I hear your voice in the water that rushes by
I see your reflection in the sun that shines in my eyes
The beauty of it all brings me to my knees
And do you know, I would jump across to the other side if I could catch you?
The moon is shining for you and the stars light up the sky
And do you know, I would jump across to the other side if I could catch you?
This is so beautiful x Thank you x
Dear Jennie
I am here reading this every day too; we’ve never met but I too think about you all and read your blog every day, particularly your gorgeous Matilda. I wish there was something more I could do to take the pain away. Sending you lots of love, which I hope helps a little.
My husband and I are both crying with you. Much love darlings, wishing you the strength to keep breatjing in and out and keeping going for your twins. H x
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you and your family. We will always be here for you. xxxx
I just wanted to say, I’m still reading and caring and think about you all many times a day xx
If only we could spread the pain between us, it would be easier for you to burden. In spirit, this is what we try to do – to shoulder some of the suffering so that your life might be bearable once again. x
I think about you and Matilda every day. Keep writing and sharing her memories. She will never ever be forgotten. Xxx
I think of you most days (weird since I have never met you I know) I hate that you have to feel such pain, no parent should loose a child, wishing you all the long and strength x
Jennie, an amazing piece of writing! I just wish you didn’t have the experience to write it! In fact, no mother should… It’s just not the right way around.
I wish that Tilda would now be snuggled in your arms and we could be chatting about what mischief she has got into today. Alas, it isn’t too be so, therefore all I can do is say I, like so many others, are there for you. Write, chat, talk!
Tell us how we can help and we will… Promise!
We can’t walk the long dark road for you, but we can hold your hand, keep you company and shine a bit of light here and there.
i think about you all every day. i was just thinking today, how good would it be to be nearer to you in person, if i could help or just listen … keep writing, im sure there are many whom are always going to be by your side. x
Still reading, still wishing things could be different for you, still in awe that you manage to get up and keep going for those around you when your heart is breaking. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day and whenever we blow bubbles we blow them for beautiful MM xxx
We blew big bubbles at Easter and the boys were squealing with excitement as they landed on the dogs nose. I couldn’t help but think of you and Matilda Mae. I stood silently & watched my boys unable to stop myself thinking of the pain you must be enduring. I do t know how much it helps knowing people like me are thinking of you but I hope one day you reach the light at the end of your tunnel and the heartache eases for you. Sending you virtual hugs. X x
So many people are all still thinking about you and worrying about you. Maybe sometimes people just want to take a step back and let you have some time for quiet reflection.
Thinking of Matilda Mae and her loving family tonight and always xxx
H
Heartbreakingly true. Even after 9 years the pain never goes away, you just get stronger to deal with it. You accept the questions never be answered, you accept your baby is only with you in spirit. You cling on to the happy memories and block out the bad. You still cry, you still get angry, you still grieve. But you’re strong, stronger than you ever thought you’d be. Because you have to be. God bless all our angels and maybe, one day, we’ll have answers. But even those won’t bring our angels back or relieve the pain. <3 Elosie Jayde <3
That is not all that’s left as your photo cannot capture the love you have and will always have. It cannot capture the love from each and every one of your friends. You are never alone we are always here for you. Look at the legacy and all that love has done. X