First a baby dies
But the body does not know
The arms ache for the baby
The heart longs for the baby
The breasts produce milk for the baby
The woman tries to control the milk
Gradually reducing the amount that she makes
Trying to avoid blockage, inflammation, infection
The breasts ache with heaviness
Until all too soon they ache with emptiness
No more milk is produced
The body understands
The baby is gone
The body starts to adapt
No more baby to feed and to nourish
Time for a clear out
Time to refresh
Time to rebuild
The body cramps
Adds physical pain to the crippling emotional sores
The body bleeds
Ridding the body of the last of the baby
Ripping and tearing at the mother’s heart
The body begins to strengthen again
Making itself ready to make something new
Declaring it’s readiness all too soon
To grow, develop, feed and nourish another new baby
The head is not ready
The heart is not ready
But the body aggressively forces itself on
The brain gets to thinking
Maybe we can do this
Head, heart, body, soul
Maybe we can be ready
To give life to another young being
The body tries
Does what it needs
In order for new life to be created
Then with a gush of red
It cruelly declares to the heart and the mind and the soul
You have convinced yourself that you are ready
But I have tricked you
I am not
And I may never be
Another cycle in much the same vein
Another bloody declaration of disappointment and despair
A decision is made to try another way
Again the body shows it’s power
As the cycle ends and the signal does not come
The heart yearns
The soul soars
The mind ticks
The body laughs
It has cruelly fooled the brain into thinking and the heart into loving
But it is not to be
There is nothing
The declaration is being withheld for no other reason
Than to cruelly taunt the heart and the mind
Making no sense
And adding to an already hurt and confused state of emotions
A woman’s body can be so cruel
So so bloody and cruel
The mind ticks ….
Oh Jennie. Yes it can be so cruel. So so cruel. I am so sorry. I still have all my fingers crossed for next time
xxxxxx
If this means what I think it means, I would say this: Grief is an arduous bitch of a process which wreaks havoc on your immune system and every other system in your body and puts you under extreme stress. And as long a time as it feels to you suffering so much every day as you, you are not so very far through this process, really. It’s such a short time for your body to have the chance to recover, to grow strong mentally, physically, spiritually… You must be kinder to your body and yourself!!! Time seems so slow to you now, but there are cycles and waves of energy all the time, even in those of us not grieving which dictate when new things start and when things end, all kinds of things! A time when things stall and a time when things flow… all of us suffer from this! Yesterday my phone didn’t work. It wouldn’t switch off or on. I had done a lot of crying because I am upset about letting Gabi down with his schooling and we might have to move out of our flat and I was stressed! I firmly believe all that energy in the room caused the phone to malfunction… today, it switched on fine 🙂 Just the same, let your energy balance itself in it’s own time and be gentle and forgiving and patient with your body and yourself. So easy to say and SO hard to do… Ha! I know, easy to type and not be in it. Thinking of you and sending you healing energy and love. x x xx x (Wow, what a hippy comment today ;-))
I’m so sorry sweetie. A woman’s body truly can be so cruel. I so dearly wish it wasn’t so. All my love & strength xx
Awwh I am so sorry . Thinking of you,
Oh Jennie, I know it’s so very hard when you want something like this and your body doesn’t give you what you want but please be kind to yourself. So little time has passed and your body has been through so much and will continue to do so for a long time. Stress, anxiety etc. all have a huge impact on our bodies. It was anxiety with me that made me struggle a little to conceive TC. I am sending you positive vibes as well as love and strength xx
Powerful writing. I’m so sorry Jennie. Hoping and praying for next time xx
Wow, what a powerful and emotive read. The body and mind can be so cruel on us x
Your body will know when the time is right Jenni. Just give yourself time and be gentle on yourself.x
oh Jennie 🙁 the body really can be cruel xx
I’m so sorry :'(. I understand the pain that comes when the body seems to taunt you month after month. Praying for you.xx
This was so heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry. *hugs* x
Very powerful post – I can totally relate to it. Currently making the decision to lose the last of my baby belly left over from Finley, shared with his sister, and now finally time to come back to me. Maybe there will never be another baby for me. I am not brave enough yet