Today should have been spent excitedly packing for a wonderful road trip as a family of five.
We should be counting down the hours to leaving on a holiday planned specially to celebrate a baby’s first birthday.
The boot should be bursting with presents.
Parcels of purple and pink.
There should be three travel cots, three highchairs, three trikes.
Three car seats all in a row
All facing forward, watching where we go.
We should be planning stops en route with good clean spaces for crawling.
Instead I am left stunned into silence when I find Tilda’s things lost between the seats in the car.
Tilda’s Things
This time Tilda will not be needing a car seat.
She will be making this journey inside a box, in a paper bag.
Instead of celebrating a wonderful first year
We will be commemorating a life far too short
A precious part of our family snatched from the world too soon.
Instead of cheers and birthday kisses
There will be tears and boats
Ashes and bubbles
Memories and sadness
And so so so much love.
This is a holiday to remember our baby girl.
Quality time with our troublesome twosome.
It should be her special holiday.
Her birthday week on the farm.
I know in my heart she would have loved it.
I am going to see her in everything that we do.
And I will probably cry every day.
And no one had better tell me that I am wrong to do so.
This week is the week that should have been hers.
Now we will make it ours.
In her memory.
We all love and miss you Matilda Mae x
Tilda on her only ever holiday
Thinking of you x
Oh Jennie. I’m lost for words. Hugs to you all. xx
Cry every day if you need to, absolutely nothing wrong with that xx
That is the most beautiful baby picture I’ve ever seen. You made her so happy. xx
You cry jennie. You do whatever it takes to get through it. It really should not be this way. I will be thinking of you so so much
xxxxx
Will be thinking of you all, and will light a little candle on 2nd May x
If you want to cry every day then do that. Do whatever you have to to get through this time. Sending you lots of love – will be thinking of you next week more than ever xx
Oh Jennie 🙁 sending lots of love for the coming week, don’t listen to anyone who says you shouldn’t be crying, of course you will be, she should be there enjoying herself with you all xx
It is absolutely right and natural for all of you to cry. Every day if you need to. We will be thinking of you all and sending love and prayers x x
Jennie I will be thinking of you every day, and especially on the 2nd. Who could blame you for crying every day? Why wouldn’t you? She should be there. It should be so different. I hope there will be smiles too and that your troublesome twosome will have a wonderful time. Sending you so much love xxxx
Thinking of you all and praying you and the twins find some smiles amongst all the tears. Xx
Cry away, beautiful mummy xx
Thinking of you xxx
Jennie cry as much as you need to nobody will think it is wrong. Ill be thinking of you all week just like always but especially on 2nd May. Big hugs xxxx
Big hugs…thinking of you x
Jennie, may you laugh as much as you cry, may you also create happy memories from this very different celebration and find a fitting way to give Tilda’s ashes back to mother nature.
Hugs and kisses. We’ll hold you in our thoughts especially over this next week. Much love!
May your holiday be filled with happy memories of your precious girl – may her spirit bee with you always in every step you take this week. Thinking of you x
Thinking of you through this tough time!
I hope in some way your holiday gives you some rest, and that you find some peace. We will be thinking of you xxx
It is not wrong to cry; cry as much as you need to brave mama. Holding you all in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry the holiday isn’t going to be as you had meant it to be. It breaks my heart. Sending you lots of love at this time. xx
Thinking of you every day, but especially so on 2nd May. Birthdays are such emotional times under the best of circumstances – and these are the worst of circumstances. I’m so sorry that you don’t have your beautiful baby here to celebrate her special day with. xxxx
I will be thinking of you all hun. Cry as much as you need, don’t be afraid to laugh with the twins. I will be lighting a candle on the 2nd May for you and blowing bubbles to the sky x
Will be thinking of you. Hope you enjoy your holiday despite the sadness it brings too xx
Will be thinking of you this week. Such a sad post at what should be such a joyous time 🙁 May you snatch even a snippet of happiness this week within your family and surroundings, however small it may be x
Jennie- I follow every post on your blog and I always finish in tears for you. I’ve been having a thought fo you and I hope it’s ok to share it. The pain is terrible for you but I am positive that Tilda is not in any kind of anguish. She is not sad- she is any a place where none of that exists. She is living in in all the moments of joy that you surrounded her in.I honestly believe that she is not missing you because for her you are already there. I don’t even know if that makes sense but I feel that you are baring the terribly painful load but she is not. I truly wish you some peace xx
I can’t imagine how painful this is for you, but you are a real source of inspiration, I will hold my own son a bit closer tomorrow.
My heart breaks for you and your family. Sending you love and strength, you are in my thoughts daily and we blow bubbles all the more frequently now, and each time remember precious MM xx
I hope we can make the week as easy as it can be for you all. Safe journey. Fiona x
I am so very sad that Matilda can not enjoy this week with you all, but you are in a beuatiful beautiful place for your twins to enjoy this hard time, I do hope that the wonder ofCoombe Mill makes it bearable for you all xx