In Our Wellies We Walked

Nine months

And still it feels like yesterday

The darkness

The silence

The horror

The pain

It hurts when you lose a baby

It physically breaks you down

And every morning the blows are fresh

And the wounds all rip open again

As you realise

A new day has dawned

And she is not here

Our beautiful daughter can never be here again

And you smile at all the people who tell you she is everywhere

You nod with all the people who tell you that you will be together again

You comfort the people who cry

And all you want to do is scream

She is gone

She is not here in rainfall or dew drops or clouds

She is dead

Her heart stopped beating

Her body stopped breathing

Our beautiful daughter died.

That is the truth of it

That you cannot escape

The grief that bites and rips and tears

At everything you say and do

Look very closely and you will see

My smiles no longer ever reach my eyes.

But what can I do?

What is there to do?

I cannot go where Tilda has gone

Though there have been times when I have thought I might try

Times when I have missed her so much that was the only thing I could think of to do

But then I feel a tiny hand in mine

Or I see a teeny hand in his

Toddler bodies nudge tighter in

Cheek to cheek, lost in time

Tearful toddler eyes meet mine

Little arms try to wrap tight around me

And I realise that I am more than mummy to Matilda Mae

I am mummy to my other children too

And for them

And for all the mummies who have worn my shoes

And for all those who have my journey still to come

For those people

For my family

And my beautiful friends

Because of them

I put on my wellies

I carried my star in my broken heart

And in our wellies we walked.

Thank you so much to Hayley, Francoise, Lucy, Heather and Michelle for letting me use their photographs.

Thank you x

21 thoughts on “In Our Wellies We Walked

  1. I feel I dreamt about this post last night. I am so proud of you. I know you face horror each day and I wish I could take your pain away. But you’re right. You are also mummy to the twins, wife and friend. And we need you too
    Xxxxx

  2. Know that you’re still so beautiful in your grief, even if that smile never reaches your eyes, and you’re such a good, good person and we’re all so, so proud to walk with you. (I wasn’t walking, I was sitting on my ass waiting to play some Mozart to accompany the giant bubble-kisses but you know what I mean!) No one should ever have to live through what you have and do every day but I’ll never stop campaigning with you for more research, more support and more understanding.. and I’ll never stop reading your blog to learn how to be a better friend to someone in a position I can never fully understand. And I’ll never, never, never forget Matilda Mae. Love. x x x

  3. I do not know what to say. Another beautiful post. I wish I could bring her back for you and fix your broken hearts.

    In our wellies we walked for Matilda Mae.

    xxxxxxxx

  4. These pictures say it all. The pain you face each day is unimaginable Jennie.
    I am so proud of you for keeping going for all the people that need you, when all you want to do is curl up in a little ball. I am so proud of you for what you have accomplished in her memory, when you know there’s nothing you can do to bring her back. I’m especially proud of you for how brave and strong you were this weekend.
    I wish there was something I could say or do that would make your pain less. But I know there isn’t. All I can do is offer my love and support whenever you need it.

  5. Oh Jennie, I am sobbing – properly sobbing my heart out over this post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about how it must feel and what I might do in your shoes. How you have the courage to face each day. I don’t think I could do what you’re doing. You are amazing. The world needs more beautiful people like you. I, like many others, will always be here to walk with you. Always xx

  6. No one can truly understand your pain, unless sadly they too have been through the same.
    I am sat here in tears for you.
    You have to keep going, you have two little people who to them you are the world, they will and do keep you going.
    You will never forget your Tilda, no matter what, she has always and will always be in your heart, which I can only imagine feels shattered into small pieces.
    You have done a beautiful thing donning your welly’s, not many could do what you have.
    You have some amazing people around you too, lean on them when the black times appear.
    My only wish and I am sure everyone else’s is that we could ease your pain, we could take it away, but we can’t.
    You posted once that you touched and held an Angel and that is how a lot of us see the most beautiful Matilda Mae, the photographs you share, will bring tears to so many.
    All I can send is my love, wishing gentle times ahead x

  7. You were so brave on Saturday, putting on a day for everyone to enjoy. I felt truly honoured to be able to take part in blowing bubbles to Tilda and I sent kisses up with them as I watched them float gracefully up to her, rainbows in each and every one of them. I may not know you personally but your words touch me and my heart breaks for you.
    In our wellies we walked for Matilda Mae x

  8. Beautiful, beautiful post Jennie. I wish with all my heart we could wave a magic wand and take all the pain away for you. I really do. I don’t know how you get out of bed each day but I know you have to. Those two kiddies need you xx

  9. Dear Jennie,
    You were born to be a mother – there is no doubt about that and because of that your pain and sorrow runs so deep. You are a strong, inspirational mummy who has dedicated your life to being there to love, encourage and teach your children. I am so deeply sorry you lost your beautiful baby and I hope that really soon a rainbow baby finds it’s way into your strong, caring arms so that one day you can tell him or her about their beautiful big sister who left too soon but was loved so much even by those who never met her. You deserve the stars and more Jennie xxxx

  10. I have said this so many times before Jennie but you inspire me to be a better mother to my children. You are a wonderful woman and you have a wonderful family, and I know no one can even slightly imagine what it feels like to be you or know what your pain feels like, but there isn’t a day that has gone by where I haven’t thought about you. Baby Tilda has touched my life in a way I never even thought possible. You are so brave. You really did Matilda and all the other parents going through the same thing proud by walking in your wellies on Saturday. xx

  11. Pingback: The Matilda Mae Welly Walk | TheBoyAndMe

  12. What an incredible day it was, when we walked in our wellies for Matilda Mae. A beautiful angel baby who will never be forgotten. How I desperately wish you were not in this heartbreaking situation… always here to listen and hug and support you xx

  13. LOVE this post! Love the words. Love the photos. Love the LOVE that exudes from them! Love the colours. Love the CUTENESS! Love the magic! Love the stars! Love the hats! And love, love, LOVE the Wellies!!!

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