After every high
Big or small
These days
Comes a crashing
Crushing
Low
My daughter has been dead for 10 months
And I am not coping very well
I can smile just about
I can get through each day
I might laugh at your jokes
Attend functions and parties
But there is not a moment
Of any single day
That my heart is not breaking inside
That anger and rage is not coursing through my veins
I want to shout at so many people
Who just seem to forget
It has been no time at all since our baby died
It is not something that you get over
It is not something that gets better
And it poisons everything that you do
Because she is not there
And she should be
She is not where she should be
We are no longer how we should be
Things will never ever be normal for us again
And all the things we do for others
Cost us
Cost us dear
Even for Esther and William
At the end of a day made magical for them
I am physically and emotionally exhausted
The nightmares are more vivid
The insomnia more fierce
The panic attacks more frequent
More difficult to control and overcome
It is not getting easier
Or better
In some ways the worst is yet to come
As we relive our last days with her
And those earliest hours without
As we try to get through Christmas without our baby girl
We would have made so much more of her first Christmas
If we had known it would be her last
How would you suggest getting through the festivities when your baby has recently died?
I can’t make any sense of the world anymore
I find it hard to understand how little people understand how we feel
I feel like screaming
Shouting
Yelling
Raging
Our baby is dead!
She is dead!
Just like I did the night that she died
Over and over and over and over
Hysterical screaming
Inability to comprehend
Yet stating the fact
She is dead!
I can still hear myself
And it frightens me
The physical pain of missing her
Every single day
Frightens me
How much I am missing of Esther and William’s life
Every single day
Frightens me
Today I have admitted to myself
Something I have always known
I cannot do this on my own
I need help
Professional help
Someone to talk to
Who can tell me
Honestly
That everything I am feeling is okay
That hurting like this is okay
That the anger and the pain is okay
That I am grieving
But also to tell me how to live with my grief
In a way that lets me function as a person
As a wife and a mother and a friend
How to drive my car without having a panic attack
How to live in my house without feeling hatred for everything in it
How to like myself again and believe in me
How to be a good mother to my living children
I think I have forgotten how
How to live with Matilda gone
It is not easy
It does not get better
It is heartbreakingly
Glass shatteringly
Bone crushingly
Hard
And I cannot do it on my own
I can speak at The House of Commons
But only through tears and piercing pain
I can attend an event at a palace
But I cannot rest once I am home
I can make my children laugh and smile
But the pain of the one not there is magnified all the more
With every single measurable high
Comes a crashing
Crushing
Low
My daughter has been dead for 10 months
And I am not coping
I’m so sorry Jennie. It’s okay to feel this way, how could anyone expect you to get over it? Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find solutions quickly. Just getting through each day is an achievement. But I hope you find the help you need soon. And I hope it makes a difference. It’s horrible to see you in so much pain. I don’t have any solutions but I’m here and I always will be. Sending you so much love xxxx
Yes, Jennie… yes yes yes, help is where it’s at now. It’s Time. Love love love love love you. x x x x x x
Must be so so hard for you, can’t even imagine. Your feelings sound totally normal to me. Praying that the help you are seeking might help you find a little peace xx
I’m so sorry Jennie, I wish more that anything that I could say something that would help. Your feelings sound normal, justified and okay. I really hope you find someone to talk to that helps and gives you what you need xx Thinking of you xx
I know how hard it has been to reach this realisation but I am so relieved that you got there. I hate hate hate everything that has happened to you but I know that you are no ready to seek help from elsewhere and to find a way at least to function in a way that is acceptable to you. If there is anything I can do, as usual, please let me know
xxxxx
I’m glad you are going to speak to someone and get some help. It must seem like only yest it all happened, it certainly feels like time has stood still since. She was your world and you can’t just stop and move on. Big big hugs xx x
It IS OK to be feeling what you’re feeling. You’re not ‘supposed’ to have got over it. It isn’t ‘supposed’ to be getting better. I don’t see how there can be a ‘supposed’ about life after the death of a child.
I know how much you wanted to work through this yourself but I’m so relieved you’ve decided to talk to a professional. I really hope they can help you find a way to life you life. Sending you much love, hugs and strength as always xxxxxx
Jennie I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your beautiful little girl. I wish I had something useful to say but I didn’t want to just read and not let you know you’re in my thoughts. How you are feeling is I am sure quite normal but I am glad you are going to speak to someone. It’s something only you can decide to do when the time is right for you. Sending lots of love and hugs xxxxxx
I think seeking help is absolutely the right thing to do now. It can’t change the fact that you have lost your beautiful daughter, but if it can equip you with ways of coping in the days and weeks and years ahead – it will be worth its weight in gold. How could you ever be expected to be able to deal with this on your own? Thinking of you and sending love xx
A heartbreaking, honest post written from a broken heart. I think speaking to someone will help you to find ways to cope each day. I cried when I read this post this morning. I am so sorry Jennie and if there is any way I can help – maybe to raise some money to you could get professional help straight away from a private counsellor – I would love to help in some small. Take care of yourself strong mummy x
Great Idea from Fiona, let us know if there is anyway to help to raise money to get immediate help for you. Waiting lists can be quite long depending on your local GP etc. Seeking help is the right thing to do at the time you are ready for it. x
We are thinking of you, always and cannot imagine how horrendous life is, existing without Matilda Maw-before I got to you saying you are now ready for help and support, I was going to offer the same. Having someone who can help you find strength, someone outside will give you the tools to cope. Sending huge love, always xxx
Hi Jennie,
While it’s not for the same thing at all, I’ve been through PTSD myself and used to suffer with many of the symptoms you’ve described. I know how difficult just admitting that you need help is so good for you for taking a step towards getting the support you need. Unfortunately the cause of PTSD rarely stops being painful but the symptoms can get a lot better.
Good luck to you x
Jennie – I wish there was more I could do than write a few words. I truly do think of you all and Matilda every day as I have done since the 2nd February. You are such an incredibly strong woman and I really do admire what you are doing to raise money and awareness for the cruel evil that is SIDS. I hope you do not have to wait long to get professional help so that you can focus on you and your needs. Matilda has a place in so many people’s hearts. With virtual hugs and much love, Eleanor xx
Jennie I have no words to even comprehend how you are feeling but I just want to tell you that you are never far from my thoughts. x
This so heart breakingly, searingly honest – just a taste of the unimaginable agony you are going through. I think you are right – it is time for you to have your space where it is all and only about you and how you feel. Finding Baby Tilda as you did would be traumatic for a person who didn’t even know her,let alone her parents – and your feelings, the panic attacks etc do sound like PTSD. I hope you find the right person to help you with all of this, whilst what we all REALLY wish for is that you could have your beautiful daughter back with you. Big hugs xx
Jennie, it is an incredibly hard path you are forced to walk. I hope you find who you seek, someone to help guide you along this path and help answer some of your questions.
This is so sad to read. Thinking of you at this awful time.
Oh Jenny. Well done for taking this huge step today. Admitting to yourself that you are not coping is a huge, huge thing and sometimes even that realisation can make you feel worse to begin with but it is the start of you being able to rebuild things. It is true, you will never ever get over the loss of Matilda, I know you wouldn’t want to either but you can learn how to live with that loss, you can start to rebuild your life, with help and time xxxxxxxxxxx