Dear Matilda Mae

I didn’t know you, or even of you, until after you had died. I learnt about you on the day of your funeral. I looked up your mummy on twitter and I read her blog, and I felt sad, and I thought it was awful and tragic. But it wasn’t just a sad story like reading an article in a newspaper. I kept being drawn back to the blog, and the stories your mummy told. And I kept wanting to read what she had written. “This is silly,” I thought. “I don’t know this lady, I don’t know this baby, why am I reading these posts over and over again?!” The way your mummy writes – Tilda it is incredible! I now know everything about you. I have been back into the archives and read about you being the secret at the wedding of your parents. I have read all about your big sister and brother and how they came into the world. Like doing a poo!! I know more about messy play than a woman with no children needs to know! I have shared messy play ideas with my step mum and my step sisters and my sisters in law so they can do things with their children. I am tempted to buy a tuff spot already. I know about good stores to buy baby-related paraphernalia and I know about where to buy nice shoes. All of this I have learnt through Edspire.

These are all by the by though. What I have really learnt from your mummy, is what MY mummy must have been through. I was too too young to know my sister and far too young to have known about my parents’ grief. But your mummy has taught me, through sharing her story, through her honesty, her openness. I now know, now feel I can understand, how completely and utterly heartbreaking it is when your child dies. I have spoken about my sister with both my parents because I have read your mummy’s blog. I have looked into bereavement training. I want to be kind to parents and not make things worse if I can possibly help it, in my professional encounters with bereaved parents. Your mummy has made me a better paediatrician.

Your mummy misses you. I believe she will hold you in her arms again one day, but not until the time is right. And until that day comes, your mummy is never going to stop writing about you and shouting about you to the world! She will save lives with her fundraising and she won’t let anyone forget you. I hope she gets the rainbow baby she so deserves.

Thank you for your mummy, Baby Tilda

x x x