And February Arrives

Here it is

The month I have been dreading

One year on from the day you died

One year on from when part of me died

One year on from the start of the darkest days, weeks, months and year of my life

You died

And although you died on a day

A night to be precise

The pain is not contained to that one day

You died on the second

It was not really until the morning of the third that we were able to even think about what had happened

It was the fourth before I had any words

Every day in February Esther and William would ask

Where is Baby Tilda?

They could not understand where you had gone

How could they when we could not believe it ourselves?

February was the month when all your Daddy wanted to do was sleep

February was the month we had to sort through all your things

February was the month we waited for you to have your autopsy

February was the month we saw you, your body, in a coffin

February we chose the things you would take to Heaven

February we brought them to you in your casket

Daddy was so brave laying them with you

February was the month we planned your funeral

Tried to find the right words, right music, right way to say goodbye

February was the month Esther refused to go in the bath

None of us were coping very well without Baby Tilda here

February was the month we had to tell people

Over and over again

That our baby daughter had died

February was the month I was filled with milk

And had no baby to feed with it

The 2nd February is the anniversary of Baby Tilda’s death

February held the darkest days of our lives

We had no will

No direction

No clue where to turn

It is not just about one day

We will always dread February

We will always struggle in February

The days of that first February haunt us still

They will til the day we die

And here it is arrived


Rudely declaring that one year has gone

One year without Matilda Mae

When a baby dies

Time is not a healer

Each year gone is a year further away

Another year of potential lost

Another year of milestones missed

I will always hate February


42 thoughts on “And February Arrives

  1. No words. Nothing I can say. Love you. You’re being incredible and Matilda Mae is undoubtedly proud beyond belief and radiating her love for you from Heaven. I’m sorry x x x x x x x x x x x

  2. You are in my thought’s all the time. February is also the anniversary of my wonderful mums death and her birthday so it is also a month I dread…even 14 years on. I have made a small donation to your fund for Matilda Mae, it’s not a lot but I wanted to do something “real” as words so often don’t seem enough xxxxx

  3. Oh Jennie, just like everyone else, I don’t know what to say. Just know that we’re all here and holding you up and offering a shoulder. Sending so much love. x

  4. Dear Jennie,
    I don’t know you, sadly never met Tilda and can’t even begin to imagine your pain, but I am thinking of you and sending you and your family love. Life will never be the same without Tilda, but you sound like an amazing mummy and I hope you find the peace and joy you so deserve. You and your baby girl have touched so many lives.

  5. Jennie,

    I discovered your blog on 05.10.13, the day my son turned 9 months old. As I read through your experiences I cried and cried. My husband and I snuck into my baby boy’s room and gently lifted him and removed all the quilting from his cot and placed him back down. I didn’t sleep that night, I thought about your sadness and I thought about how quickly life can change. I was terrified and heart broken at the same time.
    And Jennie I hope you can forgive me for this, I deleted you from my twitter feed, not because I don’t care but it was all too painful, too close to home for me to read. I felt useless that I could not help you. 140 characters is never enough. But it doesn’t mean that you haven’t been in my thoughts, especially today.
    As I dip in and out of your blog it is so sad to read, and it hits me that although I can choose to dip in and out of the sadness it is your everyday existence. I think you are amazingly strong.
    Even though we have never met I feel heartbroken for you but I am also so proud of you. I think it is inspiring how you have carried your grief around in your heavy heart but continued to be an amazing mother to your family and keep the memory of Tilda true and happy. I think it is amazing how you have made it your work to raise awareness and offer support.
    I hope tonight you are surrounded by those who love you to support you through this difficult day, and that they continue to stand by.
    You are a superhero.

    God Bless. xx

  6. I came across your blog when I was looking for ideas for my granddaughters 3rd Birthday Gruffalo Party….little was I to know how much I would think about a total stranger and her grief…..I had to sign in today, thinking of you and your family.

  7. Sending you lots of love and strength, and especially thinking of you now, and of beautiful Matilda Mae. My heart is breaking for you. Take care. Xxxxx

  8. It is utterly unbearable. My thoughts are with you and your family. Nothing can make this better, but I hope there is some comfort in all your friends, close and far away, holding you in their thoughts this month and always. xxx

  9. Jenny – I read your blog often – but haven’t commented before. I think of you, your family and your beautiful baby Tilda often. I am so sorry she’s not here with you. Much love x

  10. Jennie,
    I wanted to come and tell you once again, that I have thought of you every single day without fail since Matilda Mae went to heaven. It is utterly cruel, horrific and terrible that you have to live with this pain every single day. Know that you have so many people, near, far and wide that are thinking of you. Always. xx

  11. Jennie, I can only begin to imagine how incredibly hard today has been, and how impossibly hard tomorrow will be. Sending you hugs – I hope you have a lot of love and support around you xx

  12. No words, but sending you love in this harshest of months. My heart breaks all over again when I read your words and see the photo of your beautiful beautiful baby girl, I will never understand why she has been so cruelly taken from you. It defies all sense. xxx

  13. I do not know what to say… But I am here trying hard to find the words. In honesty I don’t think I can say anything except you are amazing, you are awesome parents, kind caring and loving. It kills a part of me knowing such a wonderful family lost an Angel. Its not right, and makes no sense – its cruel and unfair.

    Huge hugs to you all. XxxxX

  14. Once again, me who thinks I am a wordsmith have none that are adequate. Know that I am thinking of you and your family and knowing that Matilda Mae is a huge part of that family and always will be.
    I sit, I reflect and I wish I could make things better.
    Think of you often, more than you know.
    Much love today and always

  15. I came to know your blog through the loss of Matilda. I wish it was for a different reason. I have always thought that in the photos Tilda looked wise beyond her years. A beautiful baby who, though she was here just for just a small while, has made such a big difference. I’m thinking of you today Jennie and will light a candle in the morning where it will burn brightly through the day and into the night. For Matilda Mae xxx

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