Today it has been 14 months
14 months since my daughter died
And my life changed forever
I changed
My family changed
Everything changed forever
Baby Tilda should not be a baby anymore
We should be counting down now
To her second birthday
Not to the anniversary of the day
We sent her ashes to the sea
Your baby dying is something you never get over
It changes everything forever
For me I seem to have forgotten about me
I forget that there was a me before Matilda Mae
Perhaps because I cannot remember
That lightness in my heart
That spring in my step
The ease of smiles
Of laughter
Now everything feels hard
Feels horrid
Even the good stuff
Because I am living scared
Because I know how bad things can be
I thought I knew before
I thought I knew how bad things can get
When it took five rounds of ICSI IVF
To conceive our beautiful twins
I thought I knew how bad things can get
When I survived emergency bowel surgery
While heavily pregnant with twins
I thought I knew how bad things can get
When our precious twins were born
At just 27 weeks and three
I have been through hell these past few years
But nothing could have prepared me
For how bad things do really get
When you feed your beautiful baby to sleep
And never see her alive again
I am here today
Because of Esther and William
Who need me every hour of every day
And because of my amazing husband
Who loves me and supports me in every way
And because of you
The people who read my blog
The people who read and comment
Here and on Facebook and Twitter
You have been a lifeline for me
And I will never ever forget your kindness
Readers and fellow bloggers
Too many to mention by name
But you all know who you are
Who have stood beside me
And held my hand
As I have learned to live without my baby in my arms
Without my daughter by my side
As I learn to live with Matilda Mae
Only ever in my heart
And in my memory
But thanks to this blog
So many people know my daughter’s name
And say it out loud every day
And you are helping me
Do the one thing
It is so important for me to do
Protect her memory
And make sure no one ever forgets her name
Matilda Mae
Forgets that she was here
One of us
And ensures that she will remain
One of us
Though she can no longer be here
Be one of us
I have rambled
I am sorry
I am writing this post
To try and explain how I feel about The Mad Blog Awards
I have never been very good at accepting
That this blog, my writing, my words
Might be quite good enought
To be considered for an award
I found it hard to accept when I first reached the finals in 2011
It was only when the voting was close to closed
That I finally admitted I would really like to win
In 2011 I was a finalist in Best Baby Category
For sharing the journey of Esther and William’s first year
In 2012 I was a finalist again
This time for Best Pregnancy
With the very beautiful Matilda Mae
By the time awards season came round again
Baby Tilda had died
I was a finalist for Outstanding Contribution to blogging
And many of you will know that I won
This year is my fourth year as a finalist
And I am a finalist in four awards
and
Outstanding Contribution again
It means the world to me to be a finalist
It means the world to me to know that I matter
That Matilda Mae’s life and death matter
That what I am saying and writing matters
Might make a difference
Might save a life
My blog is my lifeline
It is where I turn on the darkest nights
And the downest of days
I know that many of my votes are like little kisses for Matilda Mae
And that means the world to me too
But for those in doubt
My blog will soon be in it’s fifth year
And for four years it has been a Mad Blog Award Finalist
And I am really rather proud of that
And I am not ashamed to say that if you like what you read
If you keep coming back
If you think my writing deserves an award
Well, then I would love you to vote for me
And thank you
With all my heart
To those of you who already have
ps – If you do not vote for me
That is, of course, absolutely fine
But please do vote for the blogs that you do enjoy and read
Like this!!
all done and voted, this had me next to tears r.i.p little one. i think your doing a great job, i enjoy reading your blog and entering your competitions. fingers crossed for you. 🙂
Good luck, lovely – you always have my vote x
You have done Jennie what many can’t do. You have put the indescribable into words and people can’t help but be affected. You write so beautifully and I know your blog has changed me as a mother and a human being. If only the world was full of inspirational people like you.
I just wanted to say, how very much MM looks like you in the photo xx
Your voice is fresh and clear and is reaching far. You have a rare gift and you are sharing it with us in a very special way. Thank you.
You have my vote too. And I promise I will never forget about your beautiful baby girl, I think about her everyday (and your family) and blow Matilda Mae kisses every night when I look to the the stars x
I love your blog and have voted for you. You are an amazing person and mummy.
Dearest darling Jennie,
You are not the same Jennie as you were before Matilda Mae passed away but you are a beautiful, inspirational mummy who has grown stronger in the worst circumstance imaginable. I am so sorry Jennie you know what real pain and sadness feels like. I wish I knew why some feel so much hurt and sadness when all they deserve is happiness. I am here for you Jennie all the way to the end. You are the mummy I strive to be every day and you deserve recognition for inspiring me and others xxx
Will be holding your virtual hand and sometimes, if I’m lucky, your real one for many many years and Matilda Mae, gorgeous special beautiful girl will be remembered forever. Even if one day by some miracle you find your old self, or a part of it again. And if you don’t. Always here, always remembering your perfect girl. x x x
Done.. good luck beautiful! x
Thank goodness for your blog Jennie. Thank goodness you have this wonderful piece of the internet to record your journey and Matilda Mae’s legacy xx
You have done the best job of making sure baby Matilda’s name is never forgotten. Your precious and beautiful baby girl who changed so many lives for the better. Your special, amazing baby who continues to inspire and promote messy play and childhood fun. Your wonderful and unique little lady who lives in the hearts of so many people. Her legacy creates many smiles and laughs everyday for other babies who wouldn’t have played in the way they do if it wasn’t for your Matilda Mae. She should be remembered and she will be remembered. She is the bringer of fun and laughter to so many young children and babies. What’s legacy to behold. What a precious baby girl you created. You should be so very very proud of her. Lots of love and hugs and kisses for Matilda Mae. Forever she shall be remembered xxx
I voted for you as soon as voting opened. You have captured so many people with your writing skills, your love for your family and that beautiful little lady that no one that’s ever read this blog will forget. You deserve the moon on a stick, let alone a MAD award. xx
Such a lovely and heart wrenching post at the same time, you and David have been through so much more than any person, any parent deserves. I honestly often think of you and Matilda.
Well done for being a finalist for so many years running, that really is something to be proud of. Off to vote now. Good luck! xx
Because of your blog, so much money and awareness has been raised for a vital charity. Nobody will ever forget your darling daughter; they will remember her, and you, and Esther and William all the time. More than that, it’s highly likely your words have saved lives as people read your posts and immediately ran upstairs to check on their own baby.
Be proud of yourself x
Dear Jenny, you have been through so much-many, many lifetimes’ worth of struggle including one of the very worst tragedies that can befall a person. And yet, through your writing you have created something hopeful, meaningful and important. Your blog such a special place. I don’t think you realise just how many other mums you inspire! We are all rooting for you. X
Never has someone been more deserving of recognition – your beautiful way with words, your heartfelt posts, your strength in sharing your darkest moments. You get my vote xxx
Always here for you Jennie always
And you so deserve every nomination that has come your way. An amazing blog and remembrance to Matlida Mae. X
Your blog is beautiful. You write with sincerity, clarity and with a sense of hope that I cannot describe or explain.
x
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