Find Me

I have no idea who you are
But I am missing you today
I feel like I have been needing you
For a few weeks now
Perhaps I always need you
Want you
But right now the feeling is so intense
I just don’t know who you are
Or where you might be

I want you to come and find me
Wrap your arms around me
Hold me while I cry
Tears I can’t explain
No questions
No words
Just hold me

And then I think you would listen
As I pour out my heart
Tell you all the things I am so scared of
Bare my soul
Lay out my pain like I haven’t to any other
Because you
Whoever you are
Should be the person I can be that open and honest with
Because you probably already know
All the things that are killing me inside

You’d listen til I could talk no more
Then lay me down
Cover me with a blanket
And let me sleep
And when I woke
My house would be tidy
My children would be fed
And you would still be there
No questions
No comments
Just ready to help me get up
Help me get on

We would exchange knowing smiles
And you would know that I had been waiting
For so long
For you to be here
For you to just instinctively know
How to make things just a little better
For a while

Some days you would come with a basket of fruit
Bursting with colour annd flavour
For the children to devour
Some days you would come with a book
A special story to share with us all
One with a meaning that would make us smile knowingly
Make us knowingly smile
Some days you would come and insist we go out
And you would know just where we should go

Today I am feeling so broken
I have been falling apart piece by piece
With no one here to stick me back together again
To help me smooth over the shards and the cracks
I spend everyday trying to be the best Mummy I can be
But it is so so hard
And some days I just wish I had someone to look after me

I wish that I was someone’s first priority
As selfish as that may sound
As self centred as that may be

I have no idea who you are
But I am missing you today
I feel like I have been needing you
For a few weeks now
Perhaps I always need you
Want you
But right now the feeling is so intense
I just don’t know who you are
Or where you might be

Find Me

Tim Cheneval

15 thoughts on “Find Me

  1. Oh Jennie – so much love and hugs from one broken-hearted mummy to another. I send you all those things virtually. If only we had a magic wand to make everything better xxxxxxxx

  2. Oh Jennie, for weeks now I’ve been trapped, pinned to my bed, but all I’ve been thinking about is you, your family too but mostly you.
    I’ve been writing to you and instantly deleating my words because they arnt enough, nothing I can say is enough. I sit here and cry because my problems seem like nothing, I just want to hold you. XxX

  3. oh hun, I truly wish I could be that person, that would give up a month or 6 of my life to try and make yours a tiny tiny bit easier, to put you first and be there to give you that hug and cover you with that blanket. My heart breaks for you.
    take care lovely lady xxx

  4. This really made me think about this beautiful poem Jennie, I hope it means something to you too x

    Beautiful you.
    Love after Love

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror
    and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

    and say, sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

    Derek Walcott

  5. Oh Jennie I wish we lived closer, I wish I could bring that basket of fruit, I wish I could be that shoulder. I hope it is some small comfort to know that we are all still here for you, to listen, to read and to remember X X X

    • I can’t give you anything really, can I?
      I am powerless, insignificant,
      But it’s not about me, that’s the important part,
      It’s about you. Your pain. Your heart. You.

      You matter to so, so many people, do you know that?
      So many people say the name ‘Matilda Mae’ every day,
      Because they love you and think of you
      And so desperately want to help.

      To take away a little pain,
      To wrap you in a rainbow,
      And make it better,
      For just,
      One,
      Tiny,
      Moment.

      All we can do is listen,
      To make the time to try to share your pain.
      In the hopes it will lessen it a little,
      Like it’s a huge bag of bricks.

      We will each take some of your bricks, Jennie,
      Everyone of us.
      Like an army, we will walk beside you,
      Carrying your bricks.

      We do it by reading your posts
      And sending love across the atmosphere,
      By fundraising, sharing Matilda Mae’s spirit,

      Because you matter. xxxx

  6. This made me think of a Mum/Mother figure – an older/wiser woman who has had their own children, has dealt with sorrow and joy, who remains calm and has an inner sense of peace about life – non-judgemental and unflappable – I don’t know if you have someone like that who has offered to help you a and do far you have not taken up their offer – you are trying so hard to be a mother, but like most of us mothers with young children, we still need some mothering ourselves – if you know a wiser older woman you wants to help you or you meet one at any point, let them into your life even if only a day a week or fortnight.

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