Now nothing is as it should be
Nothing can ever be as it should be again
We cannot just get over it
Our daughter has died
She has gone
What has gone before has gone
We are left behind
With not a clue what to do
The nightmares are less now
20 months on
The panic attacks less frequent and intense
But nothing is normal or easy anymore
Nothing ever can be again
Now I am confused
I am scared and confused
It will soon be 21 months since Baby Tilda died
I miss her with all my heart
Every single day
But I am at a curious place in my grief
I am longing for some happiness
But something inside me just cannot let that be
It feels like betrayal
Writing this post the tears are flowing
It hurts so much to admit
That I want to be happy again
It has been 21 months since I laughed and chased my children
It has been 21 months since I collapsed in a heap of laughter and cuddles
It has been 21 months since it felt good to be me
It has been 21 months since I had a carefree conversation
Talked without worrying what the other person may ask or say
Now I am longing for some happiness
Such as it can be
I want my children to think I am fun again
I want to have some confidence in me again
Some respect for me again
I want to look good again
Feel good again
But how can that be?
I want to give my living children a good Christmas
But how can that be fair on the dead?
I want to go to fun places and do exciting things
And know that it is okay
Know that Tilda thinks it is okay
I see other bereaved parents
Coping so much better than me
Able to be positive
Able to support others
I am only just holding myself together
Only just starting to be able to get up in the morning
And feel ready to face the day
Even now so many months on
I struggle with pregnancies, with new born babies
I find 9 month old babies so so hard
The 2nd of each month is still Tilda’s day
And I dread the coming of February and May
People expect me to be moved on by now
But moving on feels like moving away
All of these things consume me
And come out in the every day
Too terrified to drive my car
Scared to talk to new people
Afraid of questions
Unable to cope with simple things
No faith in myself as a person or parent
Burned by all the things my family can never be
Never complete
Never perfect
Never all together
Now those things can never be
Not now or ever
Two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
They flickered out saying:
“It was worth being a bubble, just to have held that rainbow thirty seconds.”
Carl Sandburg
I cannot begin to imagine but I think you do a lot better each day than you think. There is no time limit and there are no rules. All you can do is be you and allow yourself to accept that that is good enough x x x x
I wish I could have been a better friend to you x x x A better sister to my sister x
I don”t think other people are coping ‘better’ than you Jennie – people are just good at hiding their feelings away. Look at your beautiful family around you and in the sky – you’re amazing. Tilda does approve, of everything – I am sure of that. Be gentle on yourself. xx
You need to do what you need to do and in your own time. Losing a baby changes all of us – I’ll never go back to the way I was before Hugo died, and you’ll never be the same as you were before you lost Tilda. Nothing is as it should be. It’s really, really bloody hard and so bloody unfair that the babies we love so much are not with us. Sending love and hugs as ever xxxxx
Oh Jennie,
I so want for you to be happy. You have to let it in, when you’re ready. You are a beautiful person and a wonderful mother. Tilda knew that and felt that and wants you to smile…I know she does. It’s why she makes Tilda Skies for you; it’s why she makes rainbows; it’s why she helped give you Bea. Remember this quote:
Not every day is good but there is good in every day.
Much love to you Jennie. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. It’s not a race, it’s a journey!
Love,
Karin xx
Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you. x
I can’t imagine how you feel and no one can tell you the right or wrong way to feel. I believe Tilda knows how much you love her and miss her and I’m sure she’s watching over you all, willing you to be happy. To have fun and laugh with her brother and sisters.
Sitting here at a loss to know what to write. I want to scream how unfair it is that it feels wrong to smile, to laugh, to have fun and be exciting. It shouldn’t feel wrong. But I know it does. It did and sometimes does for me still. I was also struck reading your post by how much we can’t take someones online presence for how things really are – even the ones who appear strongest, or in a better place can be in turmoil behind the screen.
I read something today from someone’s post on facebook:
“The only people who think there is a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart. Take all the time you need”
I hope one day you will be able to be really happy again, I am sure Tilda would want you to be, but take as long as you need xx