Today it hit me like a wave of steel
It knocked me off my feet before I was even out of bed
Grief gripped me and it would not let go
Trapped in it’s vice like grip
I knew today was going to be an emotional day
Baby Bea is struggling with her tummy
She has not pooed for a day or two
And so is restless and wriggly
And not her usual chilled out self
Our beautiful Rainbow Baby
Is also looking, and acting,
More and more like her big sister in the sky
It makes me happy to see Tilda in Bea
At the same time it shreds my heart
The absolute unfairness of our lives
All blessed for knowing and loving Tilda
All cursed
Forever broken
Never to be whole again
Every milestone that my Earth children reach
Reminds me of the ones Tilda will never see
Every birthday celebrated by family and friends
Is an age that Tilda will never be
All the places she will never go
People she will never know
It makes me so sad
And as the 2nd looms again
I am drowning in the horror of it all
My baby died!
Today our nephews came to play
They were asking lots of questions about Tilda
Prompted by the photos we have around
Where Tilda looks so much like Bea
Where Bea and Tilda look the same
They could see the similarities
They wanted to know if the photos were Tilda or Bea
Granny explained that Tilda had died
I am so glad Granny was there
They wanted to know how Tilda had died
A question for which we have no answer
They asked why Tilda died
And were very concerned that Bea may die too
As Bea was unsettled they asked why she was crying
I explained that her tummy is poor today
They wanted to know if Bea was poorly, would she die?
It must be so hard for children to understand
All their questions with no answers
Nothing that is easy for them to understand
Nothing that is satisfactory for any of us to accept or understand
I am so glad Granny was with us today
It is funny that today I woke up feeling sad about Tilda
And then all the questions came
Esther and William are incredibly emotional and tired at the moment
Especially William, especially today
I think they are exhausted from their first term at big school
And also fighting a virus and bugs picked up along the way
William was utterly wiped out this afternoon
At 4pm he was asking for his bath and bed
Curled up on Bea’s changing mat
No smiles or laughter
I have never seen him like that
As soon as any of our children are slightly ill
The panic does set in
The helplessness of knowing there is nothing we can do
Mixed with the emotion of knowing there was nothing we could have done
It all gets muddled on an emotional day
Today was an emotional day
On Sunday it is the second of November
One year since the welly walk for Matilda Mae
21 months since our baby girl was cruelly snatched away
Died
SIDS
On Sunday we will go to the sea
Daddy, Mummy, Esther, William and Bea
We will blow bubbles to our angel baby in the sky
Send our love on the waves
From the sea to the stars
We love you and we miss you Matilda Mae
We will love you and miss you for all of our days
Our Water Baby
It must be so hard for the children to understand it all, and it must be so hard hearing those questions when you really don’t know why either, it’s all so, so cruel. I hope tomorrow is a better day and that Bea and William feel better too. Sunday sounds like a lovely way to remember and be close to Tilda xx
Please try to think that each step you take and wherever you are Matilda is watching you from above. She is with all of you everyday, everynight. She is there in your hearts, in your memories, in your world. She will always be.
I can’t imagine everyday life after the child’s death but I believe God will give you strenght and energy to live happily and peacefully.
My thoughts are with you.
x x
Jennie, I’m sending you a massive hug from here x
I am sorry there are days where you feel so low, but it is so understandable, no one can know what emotions you go through, unless they too have lost a precious little one too.
How inquisitive are children, talking about your gorgeous Baby Tilda and asking questions, she will never be forgotten or left out, as you will all remember her and talk about her, so including her in all you do, she will remain in your hearts always.
Though beautiful Baby Bea does look so like her sister, she is your rainbow baby, a baby to give you hugs and sloppy kisses & I bet a different little lady to her sister.
I hope her little tummy settles soon, poor little thing, also hoping William feels better too, bless him.
Thinking of you, sending hugs x
I can’t even begin to imagine how confusing and difficult death must be for children when not even we as adults can understand it fully. You’re doing incredibly well and there will always be emotional days in your life, quite likely more than in anyone else’s life, but that’s because you’ve lost your baby. It’s normal to have these days and I think it’s healthy too because it allows you to process your feelings and emotions. If you didn’t have these days and went through life smiling every day, I would be seriously worried x
Jennie – I don’t really have any words, just sending you virtual thoughts and hugs x
Dear Jennie, I can’t imagine how difficult each day is for you. Happiness mixed worth grief and sadness must be so difficult to take. I wish I could do anything to take a little of that sadness away. Take care of yourself and hope Bea and William feel better soon x
I have no words for what I want to say, just want to send you hugs x x x x
Hi Jennie, I lost my little boy Dexter to SIDS on May 30th this year, he was 1 year and 25 days old. 5 weeks earlier I had an ectopic pregnancy, I should be a mummy to 2 right now but I’m not. I’ve been reading your posts for a few months and right now I’m sat with tears streaming down my face. So many of your words are words I could’ve written!
I’m currently pregnant again and all seems to be well but I’ve got so many fears, fears you write about yourself.
Life just isn’t fair, our babies should still be here. I’ve found your blog helpful, I enjoy reading it even though it upsets me. Thank you for sharing Matilda Mae with the world, I’m glad I’ve got to know her through your words xxx
Gemma – that is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy and you have your own rainbow baby. I am sure Jennie’s writing will help you navigate the mixed emotions involved. Thinkig of you xx
Hello gemma, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my little girl aged just 7 days just 2 weeks ago. I am totally lost if any of you ladies would like to chat – i feel completely empty. SIDS is so cruel. Congratulations on your new pregnancy, and i send my love and prayers to you xx
I am amazed you don’t feel like this every day Jennie. Matilda’s death was WRONG, just so wrong, and cruel, and unfair and impossible to understand. As is the death of any child. My heart breaks for you. Your courage in sharing it is amazing – and as we can see from Gemma’s comment above – is helping others who are grieving such senseless losses.
I hope that tomorrow is easier, that Bea and William are feeling better and the grief is not quite as raw for you.
Virtual hugs xx
Hugs, kisses and lots of love to you all!
Hi ladies, i lost my little girl Sienna just 2 weeks ago aged just 7 days old.
I am devastated and sat in a bubble of not only grief but also guilt as i wish i could have done something to save her – she was there one minute and gone the next.
If you ladies would like to email or text that would be lovely to hear from mummies who understand and we can help each other get through this awful time together
Thank you
Rachel info@dontbinitsellit.com
Jennie no words, just wanted to know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers x