Tonight I have been to the emergency dentist
David had to drive me because I am too scared to drive my car
We had to take Bea with us
Bea was terrified out in the car, in the dark
We had to get Granny to come and watch Esther and William
I disturbed everyone’s night
Ruined everyone’s routine
I should have driven myself
Leaving David at home with the children
This week has been a long week
A week that saw me bedridden with flu
It has been a long few weeks
Weeks that have seen me riddled with tooth infection after tooth infection
A long few months
I seem to have been sick in one way or another for so long
Sick and so so tired
It has been a long almost two years
Almost two years
Since our baby daughter died
And tonight I realised something
Perhaps for the first time
Matilda Mae is dead
Baby Tilda is dead
She is dead
She is never coming back
And if I am not going to die with her
Then I need to start living again
I need to be and feel alive again
Ever since Tilda died
I have become more and more lifeless
I do not drive my car anymore
I do less and less with my children
We do not go out to classes or groups
I do not take them to parties
I do not go to school functions
Or talk to other parents on the playground
The last few months I have barely left the house
I never go out on my own
I never take Bea out like I used to with all the others
Matilda Mae is dead
But my other children are alive
And they need me to live too
They need me to laugh and play
To get down on the floor and roll around
To laugh hard and loud
To be carefree and sing silly songs
Really really loud
And tonight I realised that I want to do those things
I want to do all of those things
Because the alternative does not bear thinking about
I cannot bear to lose anymore of my children
And I risk that if I do not give more of myself to them
To David
Matilda Mae is dead
But I am alive
I am alive
And I need to start living
I need to find a way to live again
I need to get dressed every day
I need to care what I look like
I need to make an effort to hold David’s hand
And snuggle up for a cuddle
I need to take more responsibility around the house
Get more involved with Esther and William’s school
I need to be passionate about things that matter
Do things that can make a difference
And finally accept that Baby Tilda is never coming back
And I can hate every baby I see
Resent every person I see who does not understand death
Or grief
I can blame everything on Tilda being gone
Or I can start to be strong
And begin to live
My children are struggling
They need their Mummy to be consistent and strong
They need their Mummy to be running their house
They need their Mummy to be alive
Have energy
Be fun
They need their Mummy to be up before them in the morning and ready to start the day
Not hiding under her duvet hoping the sunlight will fade away
My family is falling apart around me
And it is not because Tilda died
It is because I have not been living
It is not because Bea is here and Esther and William have started school
It is because of me
Because I have been lost
Drifting
Unsure about life
About death
Unsure about how to move forward
Without moving on
I am still not sure I know how
All I know is that I must
I must!
A new year is coming
A new start for us all
I choose life
I choose to live
I am not brave enough to die
I love my daughter with all my heart
But I love all my other children too
And I want them to love me and respect me
I want them to like me and want to be with me
I want to enjoy my family
I cannot remember the last time I felt truly happy
But I am exhausted from feeling sad
I love Matilda Mae with all I am
But I cannot be so sad anymore
It is killing me
And I do not want to die
My beautiful
Wonderful
Ever loved
Matilda Mae is dead
I want to live
Oh jennie your words are so beautiful and tear jerking. Love to you and youe lovely family and floaty kisses for baby Tilda xxx
Through tears and smiles you have taken my breath away. Love and thoughts to you ALL this Christmas xxx
Jennie my heart breaks for you I cant imagine the pain you feel. But I think if you feel you need to start living then you must and not for your husband or children but for you. Be brave and start to live for you.xxx
Jennie, I am sat in floods of tears at your powerful words. I completely admire your strength x
Grief is an exhausting burden to carry. Hugo was and is my only child so far, which means I am able to indulge my grief: I do not have anyone else to be responsible for. I am exhausted and run down. I can only imagine what it must be like to carry your grief for Tilda, and care for your three living children too. I don’t have any answers, but just wanted to say to try to not put pressure on yourself to do something or not do something, but to make small steps – and to send you lots of hugs xxxx
“Forgive me.
If you do not live,
if you, darling, my love,
if you
have died,
All the leaves will fall in my breast,
It will rain over my soul all night, all day
The snow will burn my heart,
I will walk with cold and fire and death and snow,
My feet will want to march to where you sleep,
but
I will go on living.”
– extract from ‘La Muerta’ by Pablo Neruda (translated)
You are so brave and so right. Don’t be afraid to ask for help towards your goal of going on living. Nothing will ever diminish your love for your daughter.
thank you x this is so beautiful, thank you x
I’m in tears. I feel your words like prickly pin-pricks all over my skin. Everything I read I want to be in the room with you and just say, “Yes…. Yes….” I don’t know what to say about where you’re at really but I feel you, I hear you, I’m hearing you, I’m present with you. xxxxxx
This is a really lovely, positive post. As you say 2015 is a new year and I hope it brings you a new start, both holding on to the past and looking to the future. I’m with you all the way.
I realise it is not the same thing at all, but I have recently written about miscarriage, having had 2 in a row. It’s been a tough time coping with that loss. One of the things that has inspired me most came from a friend of a friend who had suffered a number of losses. She said (after a long time of struggling) that she refused to be defined by the losses and refused to be a victim. That really struck a chord with me.
I wish you and your gorgeous family a wonderful Christmas xxx
I don’t ahve the words that tou need but I have lots of love to send your way x x x x
Even this decision to no longer grieve is part of the grieving process an important part too as MM’s spirit can truly soar if the weight of your grief lessens. I know you’ll know what I mean by that. She’d want you to be happy. Only the best of souls go too soon. She’ll be doing something really important somewhere. As tragic as you’re feeling this post is so positive. Through the depths of despair you’ve found the ground to stand on. Yes it’s at the bottom but it’s the foundations on which to build. The minute you raise your vibration and embrace life again the universe will give it back to you tenfold. 2015 will be amazing. Xxx
Oh. I am one of those you hate, that doesn’t understand death. I do know that you are amazing and you do have strength. You will look back on n these hard days and realise just how strong you are once you’ve reached the other side of it. You’re doing well Jennie!
Be gentle on yourself Jennie. You are lost but you are not alone xxxx
Jennie my heart weeps for you. Choosing to live is the strongest thing you can do, I hope that the new year brings you renewed strength and happiness in whatever form you need it to xxx
I cannot imagine what you are going through . This words are very powerful , you sound like you have a lot of strength x
Jennie, your words in your blog are a strength of their own that you have continued to show over the last couple of years and you have been an ongoing strength to others by writing your blog, so don’t underestimate it, you already have it in you.
I lost my Mum in April this year, I know it’s different to losing one of your children but it has been the hardest year doing everything without her, without my best friend, my support that has been there my whole life, my person who loves me unconditionally no matter what and as the new year draws closer I have to face moving into a year that she hasn’t seen. I have also had to cope with my beautiful children losing and missing their Grandma, it is SO hard. Grief shows itself in different ways and I have found it can side-swipe you when you least expect it but your blog has helped normalise this for me and inspired me to start my blog. It’s not very exciting but I write letters to Mum as I miss talking to her so much.
You are often in my thoughts still now Jennie and don’t underestimate yourself, you are truly amazing xxx
I just wanted to say I think you are the most incredible woman. Xxx
Sending you love and strength Jennie xxx
I remember the morning after Matilda died, I was sat at a local play park with noise of children all around me. The shock I felt as I read your tweet. Everytime I go there I think of you. Last night when I collected my husband from work and looked up at a bright clear sky full of stars I thought of you.
Nobody can possibly understand your grief Jennie, only you and only you can decide when is the right time. Grief never leaves us, it just gets a little easier to live with. All I know is when I was at my lowest I like you, had to make a choice and I too choose to live. Its actually far harder to decide to carryon than to let go (I believe). But I thank god (whoever) everyday now, that I chose to live for my children.
I don’t know if this comment will help, just want you to know I (we) are here and people do still think about you all the time.XXX
I’m crying with you, but because I know how you feel. I think I have been lost more than once this past two years, but everytime my oldest son reminds me of why I need to find the joy of life and of him again.
Only last week something awful happened that brought it home to me again just how much I need to enjoy his beautiful, fragile personality as well as baby Leo.
I really hope the new year helps you find that momentum.
Tilda is a beautiful angel, and she will never be forgotton, no matter how much your life moves on.
oh my love, this is such a big step for you *hugs* I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through, but you are right, you need to live.
I hope you are getting help, someone to guide you through this difficult time, to hold your hand as you walk towards the light.
Much love xxx
Jennie, I think that you are being quite hard on yourself. You are a fantastic Mum that gives so much to your children – that’s obvious in all the thought and effort you put into all of the different activities you do. And you are doing your best – that may change every single day, and it’s all you can do.
You deserve happiness, and I hope that you find peace – true peace. But, whatever happens, be gentle with yourself, don’t look at what you could / should be doing.
Live life when you are ready, play with your children, enjoy them. But don’t blame yourself on the days that you just can’t. Xxx
sending love and hugs
Sending you love and wishing I had the words to help. Please be gentle to yourself.
Always thinking of all of you and especially Matilda Mae x
Jennie, your story is one that will stay with me forever. I will always hold a tear in my eye for you. I have often laid awake at night staring at the TV monitors to the twins room watching them all night whilst they slept and I didn’t when I should have been sleeping. The small amount of pain I feel for you hurts a lot so I can’t imagine what you are going through. My mother in law lost her baby boy at 4 months and she struggled 38 years later to be calm around the girls. Please be gentle on yourself, allow yourself as much time as you need. Don’t worry about distributing your family at night. The children will have many parties to attend in life and your husband and you are a team. You are both grieving in your own way. You have beautiful children all four of them are just beautiful. Sending lots of love, strength and courage to you. Kat xxxx
Oh Jennie – I can feel the tears prickling my eyes. I know it’s a cliché but Matilda would want you to be happy again. Moving forward doesn’t mean you miss or love her any less. Anyone who matters will know that just because you might laugh and smile and have fun, it doesn’t mean that you are no longer grieving. I think you are much stronger and braver than you allow yourself to believe – please don’t put pressure on yourself to be how you think you should be being or how you think others are expecting you to be – nobody should expect you to be a certain way – who are they to judge? Two years is a very short length of time in the grand scheme of things. Grief sounds exhausting, all encompassing, suffocating – so for your own health it sounds like you could start to make small steps to move forward – you don’t need to have a destination yet, just makes small steps – surround yourself with people who understand, people who will catch you when you stumble, when you fall flat on your face even, people who make you feel strong. But do it for yourself first and don’t feel guilty if you genuinely laugh again -it doesn’t mean Matilda is missed any less. Carry her in your heart. I know it’s easy to type these words and what do I really know? I don’t but I hope that I can try and understand is some small way. With genuine and sincere thoughts sent your way xx
You are beautiful Jennie. I wish I could hug you through my tiny phone screen i just read this on. You are doing great and I’ve so much respect and love for you. You truly pour your heart into what you write.
I have followed your blog some time. Since Matilda died, in fact. A blogger friend tweeted about you and I couldn’t not read about your dear daughter. I have never found the words to reply to your posts, although your pain has made me gasp at times.
This is the post I’ve been waiting to read. Just remember that when you take two steps forward, then feel you’ve taken one step back, that’s still one step forward.
Enjoy your life Jennie. x
Jennie your posts always move me to tears – you write straight from the heart and so honestly. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I just wanted to send you my love and best wishes for 2015 xoxo
I know words from a stranger will never be enough. But this touched me. How could it not? It also inspires me to be a better mother and wife to my family and to not let tragedy or depression mean defeat.