C.S. Lewis
Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.
Two years of life
Two years of death
Two years of treading water
Paddling hard to stay afloat
Getting nowhere
Doing all we can
To save ourselves from drowning
It has taken every ounce of my energy
To stay alive these past 24 months
And not follow our daughter over the sea to the sky
I have almost lost friends and family along the way
Being so consumed in my own hatred, anger and grief
Unable to share in the joy of others
I have had to be selfish to survive
I am bitter and twisted
And it is going to take time for the ice in my heart to thaw
Matilda Mae has been gone two years
Dead so much longer than she ever was alive
And it breaks my heart that she is gone
I miss her so much
All she was and all she would have become
I miss my daughter
But I do not want to drown
I do not want to spend all my energy
To be only just keeping my head above the water
I need to live
For my husband and my children
And in honour of Tilda’s memory
And I know I keep saying it
I keep repeating it
It is easy to say it
To write it
It is not easy to do
It hurts
A LOT
To live in a world without my baby in it
It hurts so much to live my life without her
To grow our family without her
But I know I have to
For Esther
Who needs her mummy’s full attention
Her cuddles and her smiles
For William
Who needs his mummy to watch him play
No more laters, no more excuses
No more almost watching
But watching him play
For Bea
Who needs the space and freedom to grow
Who needs to be a baby with a life of her own
It is not about me
It is not about Tilda and me
It is about the people who need more of me
Than for two years I have been able to give
I am not promising that it is going to be easy
I am not promising that it is going to happen quick
I can only promise that I am really and truly going to try
I am putting my buoyancy aids on
I am going to learn over again
How to swim
I am not going to drown
I am not going to die
I am going to live
I am not going to stop grieving
I am not going to forget
I am going to honour her in all I do
And make her proud
This is the future for Tilda and me
For Bea and me
For Esther and me
For William and me
David and me
She will always be in all we do
But we are alive
We are going to make a life
Because our family needs that
As a family we need to know that it is okay to be alive
It is okay for us to live even though Tilda had died
It is important for us to live
To not take life in vain
In honour and memory of our beautiful girl
We must choose to live
There can be bubbles and rainbows and stars
We can write her name in the sand
She will be part of all that we do
But we must live
For Tilda
We must live
WS Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
Oh Jennie what a wonderful post to read, so many positives. Happy to hold your hand on this jorney. X
Jennie, words can’t begin to express just how moving this post is. I have thought about you so much these past two years, my son was born as Tilda went to the stars and a part of me felt bad feeling so happy when you were in so much pain. I am a firm believer in the afterlife and I am sure that Tilda is watching over you and sent Bea to you to bring you love and help you all smile again xxxx
I have no words…I’m not going to tell you this is beautiful because having your daughter would be a far greater beauty! Sending you hugs from one grieving mother to another, one who knows the exhaustion of treading water every day, one that wishes you could have one more cuddle, one more day. I hope you succeed in all you desire this coming year and that you can be who you want to be, I hope your family and friends continue to be patient and support you and even carry you at those times you almost sink! xx
Thinking of you all so much, my heart breaks for you all. Small steps, huge love xx
As you start your journey and learn to swim again,
As you put on your buoyancy aids,
As your family and friends watch from the side of the pool and in the water
As your friends and family welcome you into the water and hold your hands
As we all help you re-learn to float, re-learn the strokes, stop you from going underwater,
As your family watches proudly as your strokes become stronger and you can go longer distances both on top of the water and underwater, knowing that you can and will re-surface and breathe again,
We all say, well done, for putting your toes into the pool, for getting wet, for trusting that you can do it, because you are strong, and positive and able.
You can do it Jennie, you’ve been thinking it, you are now saying it out loud on your blog, keep saying it, keep thinking it and I know you can do it. We are all here for you xx
Such a beautiful post, we are all there for you aiding you in the waters too. xx
Jennie, you are going through a pain that nobody else can understand or imagine unless they have been there. But, I have to tell you that I believe in reincarnation. And that bodies are just vessels for souls to float in and out of. I truly believe that Matilda has come back again in the form of your little one; she never really left you – and in that you have to find peace and happiness. God bless you. x
Jennie – this post has left me with a lump in my throat. Doggy paddle first, just keeping your head above water and then slowly your strokes will get stronger. I don’t know if you’ve seen this quote before from ‘The Little Prince’ but it made me think of Tilda. “You – you alone will have the stars as no one else has them… In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You – only you will have stars that can laugh.”
xx
Jennie, keep repeating as often as you need! You will start to believe more and more: that it is possible, that you can do it without loving Tilda less, missing her less. You will break that ice and expand the love you have to give and get more to those who need you and who you need.
Just keep repeating it and you will find a way to swim!