I was never sure that I would have children

It was never part of the plan

I was always going to look after other people’s children

But I never wanted any of my own

My parents were confident they would not get grandchildren from me

I think they probably laughed at the prospect

And have often publicly commented on my lack of maternal instincts

My feelings changed as soon as I met David

We met in May 2007

By July 2007 we had decided that we would have children together

In 2008 we found out that having children was not going to be straight forward for us

In 2009 we started IVF

In 2010, our fifth cycle of ICSI was successful

And we fell pregnant with twins

Esther and William were conceived

From the moment I knew I was carrying them

All I have wanted to be is a good mummy

And as hard as I try

Fate seems to have other plans for me

Things keep on going wrong

First I get sick while pregnant

I have failed in my first duty of care

Unable to carry my babies to term

They are born at just 27 weeks

Born too soon

And so very small

With 59 days of hospital care

What kind of Mummy am I?

Watching the doctors keep my babies alive

Asking for permission to hold them

Asking for permission to do their cares

When we are finally allowed to take our babies home

It is so much harder than I ever thought it would be

Two tiny babies

Constant feeding and soothing to sleep

Parenting is not like you see on TV

It is hard

Really really hard

And though you love those babies so so much

You are struggling to find your way in the world as a mum

Just as things turned a corner with Esther and William

I fell pregnant with Matilda Mae

My pregnancy was not a tough one

In fact I think having Esther and William

And being pregnant with Tilda

Brought some of my happiest times

Taking Esther and William to all their classes

We did something different every day

Going out and about

I was confident

Having fun

Driving around in my car

As I got more and more pregnant

Daddy had to do more and more for the twins

He was the one racing and chasing

Swinging and sliding at the park

He carried them up the stairs

And took charge of the bath

And wake ups in the night

That has carried on through the last few years

I have dealt with pregnancy and babies

David has taken charge of Esther and William

When they wake in the morning it is Daddy they call for

Not their Mum

When Tilda was born I looked after all three children

We continued going out everyday

Daddy was on hand when we were at home

Tilda made doing things with Esther and William harder

I worry that they will grow to resent the fact I was pregnant

Or had a baby

The whole time that they were young

After 9 months

Again just as things were getting easier

We were falling into a family routine

Baby Tilda died

Since that awful night

Esther and William have had to deal with so much

They are very aware children

They notice when people are angry or sad

It must seem to them that their mummy gets cross or sad for no reason

They must be so confused

They have been through the toughest times in their four and a half years

William is struggling at the moment

At home and at school

He is having trouble controlling his emotions

And has started lashing out at Bea

I think more to see how she will react

Than with intention to really hurt her

But it is worrying all the same

We have had a rubbish few years

I have not been anything like the mummy I hoped to be

And I am worried that as a family we are struggling

We are stuck in a rut of emotional hardship

Of grief, of sadness, anger and frustration

We are hurting

Not in the same way we were two years ago

But still hurting every day

Still struggling

Still unsure

Still wondering if one day we might once again all be okay

It breaks my heart

We lost so much more than Matilda Mae

On 2nd February 2013

We all of us lost so much more

Today has been a horrible day

Bea has been so unsettled

Screaming with pain

Needing to be held every second of the day

It is so unlike her

It has been a tough tough day

David had to come home and help

As I had to go to school for Mothers’ Day Assembly

And I could not take such a poorly Bea

After a morning I am not proud of

Feeling cross and frustrated with my lot

Not really with Bea

The assembly broke me

For so many reasons it did

My beautiful twosome looking too small for school

The fact that Tilda should have been there

The children missing from the assembly because their Mummy died

The children speaking to their brave Mummy who has cared for them all the more

Since their Daddy died

There is absolutely no excuse for not being the best Mummy I can be

The Mummy my children need me to be

Life is hard

Times are tough

It is not their fault

I want my children to one day stand up and say

No matter what, our Mummy loves us

No matter what, our Mummy puts us first

Our Mummy is a great Mummy

A brave Mummy

An inspiration to us

But mostly I want them to say

My Mummy gives great cuddles

My Mummy makes me laugh

My Mummy looks after me when I am hurting

My Mummy is always there

So dearest Esther and darling William

Though it may not always seem so

I love you with all I am

I love being with you

I love playing with you

Reading to you

Tucking you into bed

I am sorry if I cannot always do those things

I am sorry I am often cross and / or sad

But no matter what I love you

And I am trying so so hard

To be the best Mummy I can be

I love you x