I complain a lot from day to day

I think I always have

I am not proud of it at all

In fact it is one of many things I hate about myself

One of many things I want to change

I think that I do it for attention

A cry for help?

For someone to notice that life is tough

But what I have learned since Tilda died

No before that

From starting IVF

Is that I had never known what tough was

Now life can be hard

Really really hard

And I have reason to complain

But I don’t complain about the big stuff

It is the day to day

It is verbalising all the little frustrations in life

And getting them out is healthier than keeping them in

But it is David that hears it all

I do not have anyone else

I am not a telephone speaker

I absolutely hate being on the phone

Which makes things tricky

When you have no family close by

My mum lives in Spain

And so we do not see her all that often

She cannot help with the children after school

She cannot pop round for a cup of tea and a chat

We cannot go to Nana’s house for a change of scene

She cannot help when one of us is ill

We do not see each other enough to talk about the day to day

It is the same with my sister

Who though not in another country

Lives very far away

And though we love each other dearly

I would not say we are close

Like other sisters I know and see are close

We can’t be when we live so far apart

And I think that is what I have noticed as I have had children of my own

I do not have that closeness with anyone of my own

I have David’s Mum

I have my best friend

Who I joke plays the role of Mum and sister for me

But she has family of her own to support

I do not have anyone of my own for me

Whose first thought is not to care for David or for my children

But for me

I read about people who visit their Mum once a week

I see the sisters on our school playground

Who raise their children together

And I know that is something I will never have

And something that I miss

David is a wonderful father

And an amazing husband

But he is, at the end of the day, a man

He does not like it when I complain

He is not one for chit chat

He does not understand outburst of emotion

I am not sure complain is the right word

You know when you just talk things through

When you ‘go on’

I am not explaining it right

But it is something for me that is missing

That makes a difference to my life

And that I think about on Mothers’ Day

I love you Mum

Mothers’ Day and always

Though it may not always seem so

I do

And I miss you

And what might have been