Every year for Baby Tilda’s birthday we go to Coombe Mill Farm

I booked our first trip there

For Tilda’s first birthday

On Christmas Day 2012

I had no idea that Tilda would not make it alive

That she would arrive at Coombe Mill

Ashes in a wooden boat

Ready to sail down the river

And over the sea to the sky

I will never forget booking that first birthday holiday

Sitting on the sofa where I am now

Thinking that a holiday would be much better

Than lots of toys we did not need

I wish with all my heart

Tilda had lived

And our yearly visits to Coombe Mill

Were because she loved her first birthday so very very much

Instead we return to the farm

On Tilda’s birthday each year

To feel close to her

To honour her

Remember her

And celebrate her

And through her

Our link with Coombe Mill is so special

And so strong

There is no where else we could ever be

For Baby Tilda’s birthday

Having Bea at the farm this year

Was lovely

Before falling ill

She had such a wonderful time

Stealing the hearts of everyone we met

Just as her little big sister used to do before her

This year our beautiful Baby Tilda

Should have been three

We booked the largest house at Coombe Mill

And invited my parents and sister to join us

On Tilda’s birthday eve

I kept busy preparing for their arrival

Preparing our rainbow party breakfast table

When I talked to Esther about Tilda’s birthday in April

She suggested we might have a rainbow party

I started looking at party accessories

I found that it was just as cheap to buy

Brightly coloured plastic cups and plates

That could be reused for garden parties and picnics

As to buy paper party ware

I bought some rainbow spot napkins

And lots of rainbow inspired party favours

From the fabulously fun The Jelly Rabbit

My new favourite online party store

Star bubbles

Star sunglasses

Whistles and rainbow slinkies

The children loved their goodies

And were so excited on waking up and seeing the table

I had bought presents for all the children

Board games, bubbles and Lottie Dolls

A flower press, story books

Kitchen accessories and a mini farm

I also bought lots of sand and water toys

For beach play that day

At Watergate Bay

My wonderful brother in law

Took charge of cooking breakfast

Pancakes and bacon and sausages

It was lovely to all sit round the table

And remember our little girl

I had to keep swallowing the grief

The tears

As I imagined how different it would be

It should be

With Matilda Mae here

Before breakfast Esther, William and I

Went to see Rocky, the baby goat

And give him his morning milk bottle

It was a lovely way to start the day

Walking through the farm

Over the bridge Tilda’s ashes sailed under

It was a lovely way to start the day

After breakfast I dressed the children in their party clothes

A beautiful collection of rainbow stars

We headed to the beach

Where we walked on the sand

Played in the stream

Explored the rock pools

And sent bubble kisses

Over the sea to the sky

Mid afternoon we went to The Beach Hut

For a late lunch

This has become a Tilda tradition

A lovely lunch

Followed by Extreme Hot Chocolate

And Extreme Ice Cream

Esther and Bea looked beautiful in their Matilda Mae dresses

From The Princess and The Frock

It was a lovely family lunch

That we all enjoyed before heading back to the farm

For candles and cake

And singing Happy Birthday to our baby in the sky

It was a gentle day

Filled with love

Laughter lined the sadness

Hope ruled the hurt

I am always so very proud of how we manage to pull through the darkest days

I am passionately proud of Esther and William

Who sing Happy birthday to a sister they barely remember

Who shout her name out loud

As they blow bubble kisses to her in the sky

And throw pink and purple flowers into her river

I worry that each year her birthday will become less and less

I said as much to David on the bridge

At 9.00pm

As we remembered together setting her ashes sail

To the garden in the night

In her little wooden boat

I admitted to David that I am forgetting Tilda

That she is all muddled up in my mind with Bea

I told him I was scared that we would stop remembering her

And celebrating her birthday

He told me that we wouldn’t

And that he could picture us all here together

In 18 years time

Celebrating Tilda’s 21st

Esther and William would be nearly 23

Bea would be nearly 19

I dare not work out how old I will be

But I hope he is right

That we will all be together

At her river

On our farm

Remembering our beautiful Baby Tilda

Our forever baby Matilda Mae

Wishing things could be so different

That we truly could

ALL be together

For her birthday

We love you and miss you Matilda Mae

Happy third birthday beautiful baby

Happy third birthday in the sky

Thank you very much to everyone who sent cards and gifts and well wishes on Tilda’s birthday. It means the world to me that she is remembered. Thank you x