So David says I just have to think what we can do to make me happy and we will do it
A wonderful offer
Generous
Kind
But I have no answer
I wish I did
I know it would make life easier for him
Happier for everyone around me
But I have no answer
I have no idea how to be happy anymore
I cannot remember the last time I felt truly happy
It has been nearly two and a half years
Since Tilda died
It has been nearly five and a half years since I almost died
And the twins were born three months premature
I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy
The day I married David maybe?
With Baby Tilda safely inside my tummy
The twins in their trikes
Surrounded by all our family and friends
Perhaps it was then?
But what would make me happy now?
A new house
A fresh start
Living where people are
Making friends
Not feeling so all alone
Staying here
Teaching at the school
Making a difference to little lives
I thought that might be the answer
Perhaps I still do
But I am feeling more and more alienated from my own little ones
I barely have anything to do with them during the week
And I am finding that really, really hard
For the last few years David has run our house
I have been struggling for so long
And now I am working I feel more like a guest in my own home than ever
I want to be present in my children’s life
I keep waiting for the future
I keep waiting for something to happen
But this is it
Life is happening
And I am missing out
I don’t know how to be happy any more
I don’t have the answers David is looking for
The answers my family needs
I only wish I did
I wish I knew what I wanted
I wish I knew how to make myself smile again
I wish I knew how to be happy
Because if anyone thinks I choose to be me
The way I have been these past few years
They are very very mistaken
I have to live for the rest of my life
With my dead daughter in my heart
Knowing I have been at best part present in my family these past lost years
I am not sure there is a way to fix me
A way to make me happy
I am so envious of people who have their happy endings
Because I know I will never quite get mine
Not in this lifetime at least
There will hopefully come happy moments
I hope some happy moments will come
I know I need to change
But I do not know how to start
Almost three years since our baby died
And I don’t think people know that Tilda is still on my mind
In my heart
Every single day
My constant craving
I wish that she was still with us every single day
I wonder what she would be like every single day
And on the darkest days I feel no further on in my grief than the days right after she died
And I feel so on my own
The only other person who out loud says that they miss Tilda is William
He is the only one
And I know I am her Mummy
And she was a baby
My baby
And it has to be harder for me
But it does make me feel so isolated and alone
But life does have to go on
For me
For my children
My family
My ever patient, ever constant David
And in spite of it all
I do want that life to be a happy one
As happy as happy can be for me
And I have a picture in my head of what that happiness looks like
But how do you know if that picture is true?
How can you trust it enough to guide you in the decisions that you make?
Decisions that affect not just me
But my family, my friends, my community
How can I risk making decisions on a whim?
When I honestly truly do not know if I will ever know
If I will ever feel able to be happy?
What do I think happy might be like for me?
Before children
I always said that if I had children I wanted to be the one to care for them
I wanted to be a stay at home mummy
At least until all my children were at school
But I had a rose tinted view of motherhood then
The happiest I have been as a mummy
Is when Esther and William were the age is Bea is now
I was pregnant with Tilda
I was out everyday at classes
We went to at least one class or group every day
We went into town and explored
We spent a lot of time at Leeds Castle
It was good
I was good
I was confident
I was happy
We went everywhere by train
I did a lot of walking pushing the buggy
Maybe that helped
I do wonder if now Esther and William are at school
I should be making more of my time with Bea
She is such a clever little thing
She would adore all the classes
And learn so much
I need to be confident driving my car again
Or start using public transport again
Or live somewhere with lots going on
But I love our house
Our house and our garden
Baby Tilda’s garden
I am sad that the village has not turned out to be as we thought it might be
There are no toddler groups
There is no cafe, shop or pub
There is not a decent playground
I do feel very isolated here
But we are close to David’s family
And I could access more amenities
If I was willing to drive my car
We could move house
But I think we would struggle to find one
With as much land as this one
With as much potential as this one
As much character
As suited to us
Stay or go?
I am back to wondering if home schooling would make me happy
Put all my energy, heart and soul into educating my own children
It would give us so much freedom
Esther, William and Bea are all bright and creative children
I have so many things I want to do with them
So many things and so little time
David and I are both well educated and love to teach
We have different strengths
I think our children will do well however they are educated
But I love the idea of having them home
Getting out in nature everyday
Enhancing their learning with visits
Travelling to Cornwall to Tilda’s special places
Spending time in The Lakes
Spending time with my parents in Spain
Being creative, learning through experience, adventure and play
Esther and William do like school
They are much happier this year than last
But I do wonder if home education might work better for us as a family
I know that David thinks this could be so
I certainly feel more excited by this option than any other
But I worry for Esther and William
They are 5 now and they still do not really have any friends
Taking them out of school might exacerbate that situation
Or maybe not?
Perhaps it is at ballet and Rainbows that Esther will find her friends?
Perhaps at gymnastics or Beavers for William?
I do not have many friends now that I knew at school
Only one from primary years
But I always had and still do have my sister
I am rambling
I can imagine us moving to the town where David’s parents live
Esther and William would love being able to cycle to Granny’s
Bea and I could go to all the toddler groups and classes
Esther and William could attend the same school as their cousins
The house might not be as good
Our garden not so large
But their would be playgrounds and swing parks
And public places to play
It is so hard to know what to do for the best
For the best of all of us for the rest of our lives
It is hard to know what will make me happy
When I cannot remember what it feels like to be
What does happy feel like?
How can I know?
Perhaps all we need to do is carry on as we are
Perhaps teaching full time is the path to a happier me
Helping to grow a school
Helping to grow the school all our children will go to
I wish I had the answers
What does happy me look like?
What does happy me do?
Can anyone remember happy me?
I didn’t know the happy you. I wish I had so I could comment with knowledge of that you.
I think that if you home educate you can find all the classes and friends you need to. Have you thought about a few sessions with a driving instructor? They may be able to help you with your confidence in your car.
I have so much more I could say. I may drop you an email when I can marshall my thoughts more coherently. But you are trying to do a lot and settle into a new routine, don’t be too hasty in whatever you decide to do. Moving house is stressful, especially with children!
You could try and let out your house and rent for half a year in a town, to see if that makes you all a bit happier.
The children need friends and as appealing as homeschooling sounds, I do think that in the long run, it would isolate you as a family unit even more. I don’t know what I would do without having play dates and friends visiting and Girls’ Brigade. I love Emma very much for too much time together makes us both cranky and unappreciative of each other’s presence.
How is your new teaching job going, are you enjoying it?
As for driving, go for it! Even if it means taking a few driving lessons so you can get your confidence back.
My love to you.xx
Hi Jennie. I have been reading your blog for a while now and only now have I had the confidence to post you a comment. I don’t blog myself So I am new to the world of posting comments. I just wanted to say that you have been a real inspiration to me with all of your amazing educational ideas. I have often looked to your blog for creative activities and thought to myself that you would be an absolute natural at homeschooling. i have just read your last post and felt I need to encourage you as its truly humbling how you manage to be such an incredible and devoted teacher to your children and you are so obviously an amazing mummy. I believe homeschool would suit you perfectly. I have 3 children 7, 6 and 3. We live in a tiny village in the lake district and have just started to home school the older two. Its the best, most fulfilling thing I have ever done. The children love it and the freedom and fun that they have is never ending. As well as maths and english, we get out and learn from living. We go up fells looking at the plants and wildlife on the way, draw the view from the top of a mountain with oil pastels, act out swallows and amazons on the lake! Its liberating and seeing jow much the kids learn is so rewarding. Being able to spend my days with them is an absolute privilege. They still have an amazing social life and see friends and family everyday. They probably socialise more than schooled children because they are mixing with the wider community everyday too, not just the same kids day in day out although obviously they do have close friends that we see regularly too. The house is a hive of activity with people calling in after their school day for a play and a cuppa. I think you would be fantastic. I just wanted to encourage you. If you would like any more this just let me know. I don’t think its a decision you would ever regret. Have a lovely saturday evening. Carla xx
Thank you x Thank you so much x
You are so welcome. You are one of the reasons I home schooled as you inspired me with all your amazing ideas and were one of the people that showed me how education was and is possible at home. Incidentally my children were perfectly happy at school but they are even happier at home. If you would like to know more about our homeschooling journey I would be delighted to share it with you.
My mother in law used to work in a small village school and they actually set up a toddler group in the school. They raised the funds and set it up. It was a success x
Oh dear Jennie. I wish I had the answers for you. I can’t even imagine how you must feel. But I know how I feel when I am depressed. I find it hard to know where I begin and end and where the sadness begins and ends. I imagine this is how you feel all the time. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are beautiful and kind and lovely and inspiring. You are brave and strong and clever. You are an amazing mother. I know that you will never find your happy ending but I pray and hope that one day you will learn to be happy with the story of your life. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Ohh Jennie, I remember the happy you, the one I found who had just had baby twins and mine were older and we chatted and you had so much hope for the future and love in your heart.
I don’t know if you have managed to keep your faith, I imagine it must be so hard when there is no answer as to why baby Tilda died but I pray you have and that you can seek comfort in the Lord and let Him guide you to a better path.
It is so hard for anyone to comment, when you asked about opinions on getting a job, I said you’d feel compromised, I always did. It is very hard to work full time and be the type of parent you want to be. Of course you can do both, so many people do but only you know the way you want to parent your children with David.
My gut reaction would be that a move might be the thing you need. Does it matter if a new house has less land and is smaller? No. Does it matter if a new home allows you to meet people, get out and about and engage more in the world? Yes for sure.
None of us can make your decisions for you. I know you already know that and that is why it feels so difficult. I pray you come to a good decison wth David for all your family and that you can start to find moments of joy again. Mich xx
I don’t think you are alone in finding teaching tough at the moment:
More than 50% of teachers in England ‘plan to quit in next two years’
Oh my love, I wish so hard that I could take that pain away for you. Are you seeing anyone professional who might be able to help you figure out what will make you happy? To help you deal with your loss?
Sending much love to you.
Hi Jennie
Just my two cents – but homeschooling is a really bad idea. I know quite a few people, kids and adults who have been homeschooled for a variety of reasons, and I think it has massively hindered them in life – not necessarily in terms of education, but socially and emotionally, which I think is far more damaging. In my opinion, learning to be in a group situation and to make friends is really important, as is time away from your parents – an hour a week at ballet isn’t enough for this. I agree that I don’t still have friends from primary school in my life, but that’s not the aim – learning how to make friends from a young age will hopefully see them through life and enable them to make friends for the rest of their lives more easily than if they are homeschooled. Just my view, many others may disagree… X
Equally there are many, many children who the school system hasn’t suited for many a reason. I think in our society wemake the assumption that anything which strays away from the norm is odd and going to be damaging for children. Every individual case is different. Homeschooling may produce socially inept children but so can school. Its all down to how it is administered. Some homeschool parents are absolutely amazing at it and others fail their children. The same can be said about schools. I know a vast amount of children who have been failed by state education because of its one size fits all approach and its Iinflexibility. I have a number of teacher friends who despair at the way they are constrained by the national curriculum and its insostence on box ticking and treating childen like numbers. Homeschooled children can socialise in a much more natural way and learn to relate to both adults and children. There are so many opportunities each week to socialise, in fact my children see so many other children I wish there were more days in the week. They have other Homeschooled friends, friends that go to school, friends that are neighbours, friends from swimminhg brownies and church ro name but a few. My point is yes you will.meet some childen where homeschooling has failed them but we know many, many succeas stories. Equally true of schooled children. I believe Jennie has a huge passion for learning and and obviously adorea her kids. I don’t know her personally but byreading her blog both shine through. I feel she would be a huge homeschooling sucess story. Someone once said to me that you can never regret a minute spent with your children. This is so true. You never get the time back and what a true blessing it is to be able to teach your own children. Right, on that note I am off to make stained glass autumn leaf pictures with my girls. Have a lovely Sunday everybody.
Maybe of all your blogging friends I am a little unique. I “met” you when the twins were in hospital. At your time on that roller coaster. You had difficulty getting pregnant then nearly dying then the twins being so small and fragile and then your magical Tilda then her passing.
It’s no wonder happiness is elusive.
The answer for me is mindfulness. Happiness doesn’t come from houses, or work or even our families. It comes from us, from our hearts, and even if they are broken with dark places, there is still room for happiness.
I did a mindfulness course in January and it’s changed my life.
I know that my words can’t solve anything and my love and hugs won’t do so either- though I send them. I hope you are seeing someone to talk this all through to see if they can help you, and David, as I think/hope that would really help. But I wanted to say that I know of some parents who homeschool and are very happy doing so and have a circle of friends and maybe it is something you should try, that you need to try for you and your family? If it doesn’t work, you can always stop it. Happiness is so elusive. I hope you are able, sometimes, to find it in small things. And no one has forgotten you are Tilda’s mummy and they never will.
Sorry I can’t write a longer reply, but just wanted to say that I home ed my 5 year old, nearly 6. She went to nursery but not school. It is far from a lonely and isolating experience, I’ve never felt so welcomed into such a friendly and open local and national community, I’ve made new friends, mums just like me who are home edding, we have so much in common. My daughter has a close group of girl friends who she sees at least once/week, usually more – they all live locally and we go to the same groups. They have younger siblings my son’s age. She may not see them everyday, but I’ve found that doesn’t matter. When she does, they socialise freely, on their terms, not in the classroom or playground, and for a few hours at a time. In addition to this, she gets a rich experience socialising with all ages everyday, wherever we go is a social experience, be it the library, shops, park, bus stop, home ed groups and meet ups. Her social skills are broad and my adult friends with kids in school comment on this from time to time, on her communication and relational skills. It is natural to wonder how home ed kids socialise, but honestly it is not a problem at all.
I knew the happy you. When you were teaching children, encouraging them to learn and especially performing plays, Alice in Wonderland springs to mind. You were, and I believe still can be, a brilliant and inspiring teacher.
Jenny, forgot to say Daisy has just got her first part in the Connections 500 competition run by the National Theatre, she will be performing at the Gulbenkian and the Marlowe, in Canterbury and if they get through to the last ten groups, she will be performing at The National Theatre in London. This is where your inspiring teaching takes people, it may not always be obvious at the time but it was your encouragement and determination to get her on stage that encouraged her to go on with her dreams.
Hello lovely Annie, no surprise to me at all that your children are achieving great things. Your family has and always will hold a very special place in my heart x
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