I think this was inevitable

That by the end of term I would be feeling utterly broken

From somewhere I now need to summon the energy to make Christmas special for my family

There is so much to do

I have exhausted all my energies and enthusiasm at school these past few weeks

Emotionally and mentally it has cost me dearly

And there is no stopping for a rest now

Now I have to make magical things happen for my living children

While missing my dead baby with all my heart

I find it very hard to find peace at this time of year

Today the tears before breakfast were mine

The sleepless night before was mine

So much to do and so little time

You literally cannot see the floor in most rooms of our house

There is no Christmas tree

No decorations

Most pockets of the advent calendar are still full of chocolate

Cards for school friends half written

Presents for teachers not made or bought

It is too late for us and advent this year

I can only promise my children that next year will be better

Next year my focus, enthusiasm and energy will all be for them

Today we have started our Christmas holiday a day early

We are all exhausted and have nothing left to give

We are having a quiet day

Wrapped in the arms of our dear friends

Before trying tomorrow

To make a start on Christmas

I am feeling very low

And very disappointed in myself

For forgetting what is most important

Who is most important

And who should be given the best of me

Family first

At Christmas time and always

2015-12-11 16.28.56-1

2 thoughts on “Done

  1. Oh hun please don’t feel bad or disappointed. Christmas is bloody hard when you are missing are child! This is the first year that we have felt remotely ‘ok’ at Christmas and even then the kids advent calenders haven’t been open, there are chocolates still in all the dates I think, and we only got our decorations up 11 days later than usual. You know what they don’t care. They really don’t.
    As long as you get through the day, and I only ever get through the day.
    We have a routine now I will cry at some point but then I try my hardest to just be happy for the boys. They have about 30 mins on Christmas Day without us, where we go to Rhianna, they are always asked if they want to go, Baba has never said yes yet. But that is Mr L and my time with her, and then we go back and get on with the day for the boys.
    My sister always buys for Rhianna, something for her grave usually, that the boys open and we always light a candle in the evening. Santa usually leaves a balloon for Rhianna as well. Maybe he could leave bubbles! The boys love that and it means she is very much included every year xx

  2. Wow Jennie. I hear you big time. But I keep reminding myself, all the kids need is Mummy to be be happily singing Christmas carols and that feels like Christmas more than anything else.
    What a beautiful Christmas photo! Print that and pop it on the wall…what better decoration could there be?!
    Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.
    Felicity xxx

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