As 2015 draws to a close
I have a decision to make
(Together with David)
Do I want to try to get pregnant again?
Should David and I have another baby?
For the last few months
I have not felt broody at all
I have told people that Bea has broken me
At almost 17 months she still breastfeeds like a newborn
And still sleeps in my arms
I adore her
We have an incredible bond
But I am also exhausted
And longing for some time for me
More time with Esther and William
With David
We always said that we would have four children
When Tilda died we very quickly agreed that we wanted four children with us
Four children on Earth
Siblings for our baby in the sky
Esther and William are so incredibly close
It would not be right for Bea to grow up alone
Would it?
Bea at almost 17 months
Is already holding her own
Since finding her feet
She has also found her place in the family
She is definitely a toddler now
A strong willed, tantruming toddler
And an incredibly advanced, clever one at that
So very different to Esther and William at the same age
Should she have a sibling?
A partner for all her crimes?
9 months today
I will turn 40
I always said that this date would be the cut off for me
I did not want to have a baby when I was 40
But now the day is here
And I just don’t know
I am not sure that I am ready to say that I am done
I am not sure I want to never be pregnant again
To never have another baby
But I am not sure that I want to be pregnant again
To have another baby
I am getting older
I tire more easily
I am already medically a geriatric mother
Do I have the energy for another pregnancy?
Another baby?
Esther and William definitely do want another baby
I think that David does too
I don’t know how to know if I do or don’t?
I can imagine life with another baby
I am not sure our family yet feels complete
But I wonder if that is because of the baby we are missing
Rather than the need for any more
I worry that another baby means more years of treading water
Rather than moving on, moving forward
Embarking on adventure
I do wonder if now is time to look after me a little
I have been doing IVF, been pregnant or breastfeeding since the start of 2009
I think it would be okay if I was a wonderful wife and mother
But I think I am pretty terrible at both things
And yet there is a huge, great big part of me that just does not feel quite done
But now if we were to have another baby
I would be 40
A 40 year old new Mum
With 5 cycles of IVF
Premature twins
Losing Tilda
Raising a rainbow
And battling anxiety and grief
Maybe it would be pushing my luck to take on any more
Or maybe, just maybe
One more baby
Would truly make our family complete
Heal my head and my heart
It is not just about me
It is about all of us
Our family
I just don’t know how to know what I know or don’t know
Do you know?
A different dilemma for us, but I understand the age quandary. I am 28 but my husband is 47 so while I would be happy to wait to try for a third, it feels as though we must not wait or he will be far too old. Alas, we have been trying for three years and nothing has happened yet, so it may well be taken out of our hands anyway. I think Bea will be fine either way, she will have you and David and friends and most likely cousins even if she does not have the closeness of the bond that the twins share with a sibling. Life is for adventuring, if you feel ready to try something new as a family, I do not think Bea would be missing out in any way. On the other hand, if you would like another child, you are only looking at another 3 or so years before you can properly travel and adventure as a unit of six. In the great scheme of things, that isn’t a huge amount of time. And you are certainly not too old, a lot of my Mummy friends are older than you xxx
I hope you get your third x You are an amazing Mummy x I want to be a better Mummy next year x
There are 4 years and 9 months between my amazing Any and my terrific Thom, And yes, in theory there would be a marvellous Martha (in my head that’s what baby 3 would have been) but she never happened -various reasons -which is really sad in itself.. But Bea does have siblings ! And even if she was an only child how much is she loved ! You are still young, yes, but, I am now in my late 40s and my kids are 17 and 21 and they are making their way in life and hubby and I are finding new paths together too and I won’t lie – it’s GREAT !
There are always new ways ahead.
Jennie, you are already an amazing Mummy. You have inspired so many other Mummies to do things with their children, you and David do so much with your own children.
I would say this: What would happen if you did nothing to prevent another pregnancy, and you did not fall pregnant? would you go the IVF route again? Somehow I doubt it.
What would happen if you did nothing to prevent another pregnancy and you did fall pregnant? You would crack on with it, have a beautiful sibling for your four children, and a wonderful family unit of 7.
Why not give yourselves a year of doing nothing to prevent a pregnancy, begin to wean Bea from you and into a bed so that your arms can hold another baby if you fall pregnant.
Allow yourself this time to strengthen your mind, body and soul, as you know how tiring it is going to be. If it doesn’t happen, the steps you will have taken will enhance your life, not detract from it, and will enable you to enjoy your earthbound children and husband even more.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
You always know what to say x
Beautifully written xx
Hi Jennie
I have had very similar thoughts to you – when my son was alive we wanted to have 3 children (we had 2 boys at the time). Then he died and we have been lucky enough to have another child since – but I still battle with this idea that I wanted 3 LIVING children, rather than 2 with a large (ish) age gap. I feel too tired and drained to have another child I think…but there will always be a gap, but I guess there would be however many children I have as my son is not here. It is a really difficult decision. I also feel I have been pregnant or breastfeeding forever – and also, my children don’t sleep! Which makes the thought of another newborn challenging.
Anyway, enough about me but this post really resonated with me as your posts often do x
It’s so hard isn’t it. James would like another child and I am undecided part of me would like another and part of me already really struggles with the stresses of parenthood with just 2, not to mention the horrendous months of sickness I seem to get when pregnant! I personally like being one of 3 siblings now as an adult, my mum is one of 4 and I love the big family meet ups we have opposed to the small side on my father’s side (not that I don’t love seeing them!). Loads of people say they think we will be a two part family and have another 2 in a good few years, but I’ve always said no to that and have also said I’d have 4 not 3 due to it being an odd number. Aaa such a hard decision-good luck with whatever you decide!
You are an amazing, inspiring woman to all of us. Including your twins and David. You provide Bea with everything she needs and are her comforter, an amazing thing! Maybe concentrate on weaning her from you/your bed too and stop taking contraception. What will be, will be. My thoughts are with you xxx
I’m constantly broody – always have been and always will be. The thing that stops me from that tempting ‘just one more baby’ question is thinking about it like this: Do my children NEED another sibling or do they NEED more of me?
It makes it really clear to me that another baby would be a selfish thing – what I want rather than what we as a family need. That’s not to say it’s the same for you, just my experience. Even with just two I am spread thinly, never feeling like I am spending quite enough time with my children or doing enough for them or even for myself. They need me and my attention far more than they need another sibling. Then of course there’s the question of having enough money to send them to university or help them pursue their dreams in other ways. I can’t put what I want ahead of what is best for my existing children.
That’s just how I look at it and thought it may help, one way or the other. xxx
You are a wonderful mother. This is such a hard question to answer but perhaps the easiest is to let fate decide. Take time out, don’t think about it and see what happens. Nature will surely answer the question for you
I became a mummy at 42 ….after :
10 rounds of IVF including donor cycles …
4 trips abroad , acupuncture til I felt like a pincushion ….
1 miscarriage
I now have my beautiful son aged 3 1/2 … I would have loved more but at 46 , it would be selfish ( and risky !)
I am so lucky to be a ‘success ‘ story and feel complete , although a family of 3 was never my plan …
Xx
Take time darling. Heal, nurture, enjoy your wonderful family. Sometimes we can overthink these things. May 2016 be kind to you. H x