It is so easy to say that I want to learn to live again
It is so easy to plan in my head all the things I could do
The difficulty comes in doing them
The guilt strikes when they become more than thoughts or dreams
People say that when you have experienced the death of a loved one
It makes you want to grab life with both hands
Live every day to the full
Losing my baby has not had that affect on me
Quite the opposite
It has made me feel guilty for living
Losing Tilda has made me want to hide away
Losing Tilda has left me a broken, shadow of my former self
It hurts so much being me
I don’t want to hurt any more
I want to learn to live again
I look at Bea in awe every day
She is so full of life
She is the personification of happiness and joy
I adore her energy
I envy her zest
I am certain she is living for two
I cannot give Tilda her life back
I read in Twitter today that eople are petitioning God to send David Bowie back to Earth
If only such things were possible
Could be true
God cannot send my baby back
And unless I plan on killing myself
Which I do not
Then I really do need to start living again
To not be scared of feeling happy
To not be pierced with guilt for finding something fun
To not feel physical pain for cuddling and kissing my living children
For not robbing my Earth babies of their childhood
As Tilda has been robbed of hers
It is time
I have said it before
And I am certain I will end up saying it again
But I really do think it is time
Time to try and live again
I only wish I knew how
Take little steps. Make small, acheivable targets. You’ll get there 🙂
You’re such a great Mum to all your children, none of them would want you to feel so much guilt, you deserve to live a life with smiles and happiness on your face and in your heart. Tilda was part you, let that part of you live life to the full for dear little Tilda. You will always miss her, it will never change, but when you meet her again, think of all the adventures you can tell her about 🙂 x
I know what you mean, I’m only three and a half months into this journey and I feel like the entire world is wanting me to jump straight back into it. I don’t think when you lose a child that it makes you grab life with both hands, I think it shows you what truly matters. I no longer care to fill my life with trivial things, just my Lily, just focus on her. She’s what matters. I guess we’re both living more than we realise, with a head full of grief.
Again, thank you for blogging your journey. I feel a lot less alone.
Nin (&Lily) x