Today the school run felt like a horror story

Bea was bumbling around the playground as she does

William chased after her

At first I thought he was trying to cuddle her

Seconds too late I saw he was tackling her

Pushing her to the ground

Smashing her face on the concrete floor

I saw red

As she looked up and screamed

I saw red

Blood red

William was crying

Knowing he had done wrong

Knowing by my tone

Of telling him ‘home’

That he was in trouble

But in that moment

Fear had taken over me

I was in the grip of grief and anxiety

My baby was bleeding

I had to get her home

Get us home

And call David

I urged Esther and William to hurry

As I raced up the road

Bea in my arms

Blood dripping on to my coat

Her screaming

Me shouting

I did not hear or see Esther fall

I ran back for her

I had to get her home

Us home

Two children bleeding

One terrified little boy

Sobbing

Fear had taken over me

I was in the grip of grief and anxiety

My daughters were bleeding

I had to get them home

Get us home

And call David

For help

We fell through the front door

All crying

All screaming

I called David to come home from work

I cleaned the wounds of Esther and Bea

Both inconsolable

Crying

After the blood cleared

The anxiety faded

Sense and sensibility kicked again

I cuddled my children

Held them close

Explained why I was so frightened

Why I saw red

William was sorry

We were all sorry

I was sorry

I was so scared

My baby was bleeding

The fear never goes

Never dulls

Never lessens

Terrified after losing one

That I might lose another

My grief was exposed on the playground today

Laid bare for all to see

How having a baby die

My baby die

Has affected me

I adore my children

I would, will, protect them with all I am

I cannot bear their sadness

I feel all of their pain

And I am terrified that one of them will die

And there will be nothing at all I can do about

Nothing at all

Again