Monday will be three years since we said goodbye
Three long years
Life has gone on
As it has a habit of doing
Our living children are growing
The hole left in our lives remains
I cry less now
But I still think of my daughter every single day
I still mention her in some way
Every single day
And most days Esther and William do too
I am still determined that she will never be forgotten
There are now only two people
Aside from me who remember every Saturday
And mark the second of every month
I struggle with how little our family and friends seem to think about Tilda
Hardly anyone ever mentions her name
While there are people we have never met
Who send cards and messages
For her birthday and anniversaries
There are friends and family who do not
Friends and family who held her
Played with her
Now act as though she was never here
I often feel like screaming at them
Reminding them of our other daughter
Because she is still our daughter
She will always be our daughter
Just as much as our living children
Tilda is our child too
Three years on
And I miss my baby girl more than words can say
I am so very grateful to the very few people who still talk about her
Remember her
Ask about her
And are not afraid to mention her name
I am so grateful to the handful of people who send cards for her birthday
Gifts for her garden
It makes such a difference knowing our little girl is not forgotten
Life changes when a baby dies
You see the world through very different eyes
Your needs and priorities
And those of your immediate family change
Losing a baby is not something you get over
Every single day I miss Tilda for all she was
And wonder what she would be today
I get so angry when I think what she should be today
Three years on and I am still battling depression
And anxiety
It comes and goes
Ebbs and flows
Much like grief itself
One moment I will feel fine
And the next I can be entirely overcome
Sobbing, screaming, silent
Since Bea was born
I have focused on being mummy
I have tried to return to teaching
But think I tried too soon
This year is the year that Tilda should have started school
I know that I cannot be in a classroom
It will just be too hard
I am disappointed with myself at the moment
I do not feel much of anything at the moment
I find smiling hard
Laughing hard
This year is my 40th year
And I cannot make a decision about what I want to do to mark the occasion
I cannot commit
I struggle to make decisions
I am scared of making plans
I do not like being too far from home
Hate being away from David
Hate David being away from me
Hate the children being too far from us
Outliving one of your children
Changes your whole world
And everything in it
Forever
It does not get easier
It does not go away
Every day I live without Tilda
Every day is a fight to survive
And then other days
Mothers Days
Family days
Birthdays
They are so so hard
The reality and oppression of death
Chokes and smothers
I feel like I am drowning
I am there but not present
Present but bot really there
And the eve of the day
Is the worst time of all
The dark before the dawn
The still before the dawn
I miss my daughter
I love my baby girl
Please acknowledge she is missing
Respect that we are hurting
Tell us you remember her
Please say her name
Jenny, Matilda Mae is remembered and talked about so many many people, people that only know you and her through your blog, that tell other people about her and mention her name all the time. She will never be forgotten. Ever. I write her name in the sand on every beach we ever go to, and I often wonder if anyone else reads it and knows what it means and who it represents. Much love and hugs to you, David, Esther, William, Bea and of course to baby Tilda. Xxx
thank you x
xXx Matilda Mae xXx
I’m so sorry to read these words. To feel your pain and sadness. I’m so sorry that another human should feel this was. Should have experienced this greif. The bravery and strength you show daily as you provide love and support to all that around you. And Tilda is right there beside you giving mummy that extra nudge if encouragement. Tilda is loved. You are loved.
Jennie, I cannot imagine that people in your life are trying to hurt you by not talking about baby Tilda, it is probably more that they are trying not to hurt you, in that moment, by talking about her. Of course she will never be forgotton by you or your family, but the harsh reality is that life goes on for the living and the dead will be remembered by those closest to them in life. It is very easy for people on social media to talk about and remember Tilda with you, I have been looking at your posts for years, every since I came across a link on another blog. I feel for you, I empathise with you, I feel so sorry for you, I wish things were better for you, I wish this had never happened to you. But it is easy for me to see say this to you and to write Tildsa name because I don’t know you, I have never met you or Tilda,. I really think that you have tried to deal with this horrendous situation by yourself, maybe by using this blog as a sort of therapy, as a way of putting your feelings and emotions into some sort of perspective, but I don’t think that it is working. For your own sake would you think of going to some sort of professional help. someone who might help you to live with what you are going through. I know that nothing you do or anyone you talk to will change the fact that your daughter Tilda died, but it might help you regain some of the person that you so much are – a good kind loving wife and mother who lives for her family and wants them to have all the beauty that the world has to offer.
thank you x
So sorry you are feeling this way jenny. I can imagine that three years on you are no less shocked or saddened by your loss than the day you found her. You’ve merely just learned to fuction. It by no means makes it any less painful.
Jenny, have you been able to tell your friends what you need from them? Have you been able to say to them that you need to talk about Tilda. That it would mean the world to you to hear them speak of her? Sometimes you just have to tell people what you need. Xxx
My dearest cousin, best friend who I grew up with, spent summers with and lived as single girls in London with sadly loss her daughter at 10 weeks from a heart defect…she was my God Daughter…but I still needed to know from my cousin what she wanted from me in terms of remembering. Like many who do not experience such grief, for a long time I felt that maybe I should not talk about her, as if in some way I would make my cousin sad or my cousin might not want me to speak about her as my cousin might have been having a day that she was feeling OK, then me mentioning it would upset her – but know now it does not work like that, and that most parents that lose a child need to hear their name and want friends/family to talk about them and remember them. Please Jennie tell your close friends / family that you want them to remember Matilda Mae, you’d love to hear from them on her birthday / anniversary – happy to receive a note/card – if they see something nice for her garden they should feel free to get it – I think people need ‘permission’, they need to know that you want that, as unless one experiences it first hand, we just think that the parent does not want us to bring their loss up. Your close friends/family will feel so bad to know how you feel and that you have not said, in the early months and years I could have been a better support to my cousin if I had known – it also creates a divide/bitterness on your side which probably, if you told them, would be fixed and no need to be there.
PS I did not want to put my God Daughter’s name in the post, using ‘her’ instead sounds very informal, but my cousin is very private and thought it would be best. And by ‘it’, I mean her loss. x
Thank you x I will try to find a way to let them know x
Jennie, I have been following your blog for about two years. You are a very brave lady and a wonderful mum. I don’t have any solutions but please be gentle and kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and grow stronger. What you’re feeling is normal I’m sure. Baby Tilda is still around you and she is by your side. Lots of love x
I remember Baby Tilda every time I blow bubbles for my children. Every single time. She will never be forgotten xxx
I remember stumbling across your story three years ago, soon after you lost your beautiful girl. I followed your posts for a few weeks afterwards, and felt the loss with you even though we have never met. Your stories and words moved me.
Ive wondered how you and your family are a couple of times over the past few years, and again today – which has led me here. I am sat here with a smile to see your beautiful new baby and growing children.
So yes, I remember Matilda Mae. A little girl I never met, but I remember her. Shes still here and always will be xx
My heart breaks for you Jennie and I wish I could do something or say something to make you feel better. I cannot imagine what you are going through and guess there isn’t a magic number or time it takes to feel “better” about losing a child. MM will never be forgotten and her short life was not in vain though, you have done so much to help families like yourselves. Despite the missing piece of your puzzle you are allowed to feel happy again, to laugh and smile and be a happy family. I really hope you do someday soon xx
Can honestly say I have thought of Matilda Mae everyday in the last three years. I don’t think I will ever forget her face. She was borm 3 months before my eldest child. I loved reading your blog during my first pregnancy, reading about your adventures with your beautiful baby Tilda and of course the twins to. I’ll never forget sitting up in bed breastfeeding my son and sobbing reading your devastating news. You must feel so alone sometimes, no ones grief can ever compare to a mothers.. but I think Matilda Mae touched so many more hearts than you realise