To my dearest children

Who are so much better and lovelier than I deserve

I am so sorry that I have fallen apart today

I need you to know that it has nothing at all to do with you

Remember the book we read about Perry the Panda and his Mummy

Today Mummy went a bit bonkers just like that

Today the ugly monster living inside your mummy

Decided to raise it’s ugly head

I tried and failed to protect you

From the wicked shouts and screams

And the wracking sobs, cries and tears

I am sorry

The monster did not come because of you

It is never ever because of you

The monster is inside of mummy’s head

And most of the time I can control it

Suppress it

But today the monster escaped

Today the monster raged and roared

And I am so so sorry

Dearest William

It was not you

It was not to do with you and the work we were doing together

What a very special boy you are

So bright

So clever

Not silly, not stupid

But a tiny young boy

With an enormous computer brain

Beautiful, wonderful Esther

How kind and caring your are

How well you know that the appearance of the monster

Does not last

How well you know that once the monster leaves

You will find your mummy crumpled in a heap somewhere

Needing your cuddles and your kisses

And your ‘I love you mummy’ notes

Little Bot Bot

Coughy snotty Bot Bot

Thank you all for your cuddles

For loving me

For holding me

For cuddling me

For kissing me

For kissing bump

Thank you

I am so grateful that my children have such a strong bond

With me

With each other

I am sad that we have moments like these

But I am glad that we know how to navigate them

It makes me so sad and yet so thankful and so happy

To hear Esther tell her younger siblings

Do not worry it is not you

Mummy has just gone bonkers

It makes me so sad and yet so thankful and so happy

To see Esther searching my coat pockets for tissues

To wipe away my tears

I cannot apologise enough to you my amazing children

I cannot tell you that I love you enough

They always ask, are you sad about Baby Tilda mummy?

I tell them that I am

About her and other things

But not them

I make sure that my beautiful living children know

It is never them

Never their fault

I have always talked openly with them about grief

About anxiety the best I can

It does not excuse the monster

It does not make it okay

It is never okay

I am very aware of that

And no one can make me feel more guilty than I already feel

Today was not about my children

It was about it being the anniversary of Tilda’s funeral this weekend

It was about the three nights of disturbed sleep

It was about the hospital tests that no one feels the need to tell me the results of

It is the having less than no money to my name

It is pregnancy hormones

It is the recurring fight that David and I just cannot seem to get past

And it is the anxiety and PTSD that makes all of these things worse

And makes them all fill my head

Til it bursts

And the ugly angry monster bursts out

Now there is calm in my house

Now there is quiet and love

Sadness and sorrow and guilt

And silent silent tears

To my dearest children

Who are so much better and lovelier than I deserve

I am so sorry that I have fallen apart today

I need you to know that it has nothing at all to do with you

Remember the book we read about Perry the Panda and his Mummy

Today Mummy went a bit bonkers just like that

Today the ugly monster living inside your mummy

Decided to raise it’s ugly head

I tried and failed to protect you

From the wicked shouts and screams

And the wracking sobs, cries and tears

I am sorry

The monster did not come because of you

It is never ever because of you