As a bereaved mother

I live with my sadness

I live with my grief

I live with my love for my child who has died

While at the same time trying to live my life

I know how short a life can be

I know how precious life is

I know that we should live every day as though it is our last

But living, grieving and parenting are an incredibly difficult balance

Throw lockdown into the mix and sometimes I feel totally and utterly unable to carry on

One thing that I have struggled with for 8 years on Tuesday

Is giving myself permission to live

Though my child has died

Giving myself permission to grieve and feel sad

While laughing and smiling with my living children

Grief is inconvenient in life

And the emotions that come with it are incredibly hard to navigate

Big feelings that so often we do not know what to do with

We feel the stresses and strains of these complexities as adults

It is hard to imagine how children are expected to understand

And deal with big feelings of their own

Or the feelings they see in their grown ups

I have blogged about living with grief, with sadness, with depression and PTSD

For 10 years

And a question that I get asked the most through my blog is …

… How can I help my children understand grief?

How can I help my children understand and deal with sadness?

My answer is and always has been through books

Through books and play

But it is not just children that need to understand sadness

And why we must face our grief

So many adults need help with this too

And I think one powerful tool for helping grown ups with this

Is a book designed with children in mind

One of the best ways to explain loss and grief to children is through books

One of the best ways to help children understand and deal with feelings

Their own and those of others

Is through books

And my advice would be exactly the same for grown ups

Especially those dealing with the loss of a child

A poignant combination of words and pictures

Can be exactly what we need as grieving adults to understand ourselves

And to help other adults understand what we are going through

David Litchfield has a real talent for this

In A Shelter for Sadness written by Anne Booth

And his own book Lights On Cotton Rock

That really helped me when I was feeling low

Today I am sharing with you

A Shelter for Sadness

An incredibly beautiful book

Illustrated by the wonderful David Litchfield

And written by Anne Booth

This is a stunning book

A book that is perfect for families who have suffered loss

Before I ever saw this book in the flesh

I felt a connection with it

Like it was a story that had been written for me

Now that I have read it

I think that lots of people will feel just like me

This is a book that is going to help a lot of people

This is a book that a lot of us have been waiting to read

This is a book that I want to share with so many people

To help them understand me

To help them understand living with grief and sadness

To help them give their children the space they need

To feel the things they need to feel

This is a book that will help us all live with our sadness

Anne and David give sadness a face

By personifying sadness they show us how to deal with it

How to live with it without being consumed by it

It also shows people that sadness is always there

Sometimes front and centre of everything

Sometimes in the shadows

Sometimes contained and some times all encompassing

This is a book that shows sad people how to live with their sadness

And this is a book that shows the people around us

How sadness affects everything

But that does not mean we cannot be happy

We cannot appreciate good and beautiful things

I feel like this book was written for my children

And others like them

Who have lived with a parent’s sadness, grief and depression

Their whole lives

While also dealing with their own big emotions

I also feel that the origins of this wonderful book

Have given me some perspective

I feel awed and humbled

Reading the words of Etty Hillesum

And indeed all holocaust survivors

Who saw and experienced horrors we can only imagine

If Etty and other survivors can give their sadness a shelter

And carry on living with good hearts

Then surely so can I

A Shelter for Sadness sees a small boy create a safe space for his sadness

A shelter where it can do what it needs to do and be what it needs to be

The boy can visit the shelter whenever he needs to or wants to

And he knows that one day

Sadness may come out of the shelter and they will look at the beautiful world together

By personifying sadness

Enabling us to see it and touch it

We are all better able to understand it and deal with it

Grief needs to be dealt with

It needs to be faced honestly and courageously

Openly

If we do not learn to deal with our grief, our sadness

If we keep it hidden inside us

That is when sadness can turn to anger and resentment and hatred

“If you have given sorrow the space it demands, then you may trly say: life is beautiful and so rich.”
Esther (Etty) Hillesum

This is the perfect book for bereaved families

It has been published at the perfect time

When so many of us are facing uncertain times, dealing with big emotions and suffering loss

It is a reminder to us all that our feelings are valid

No one can tell us what we should feel and when

When sadness comes we must acknowledge it

Make our peace with it and make space for it

Because only if we do these things

Can we find peace and move forward

Sadness and grief are not things to fear

We must all find ways to give our sorrow space and shelter

We can live with sadness in our heart

But still be happy

Still appreciate the good and the beautiful

As we grow

As time passes

Our sadness will change

Sometimes we will spend a lot of time with our sadness

Sometimes we will hardly notice it at all

Life will carry on

As seasons come and seasons go

We will carry on

Sometimes we will need a moment in a dark room

Sometimes we will be desperate to walk beside the sea

Sometimes we will want to dance in our kitchen

Sometimes we will want to stand out and get soaked in a storm

Sadness comes and goes

Grief ebbs and flows

A Shelter for Sadness explores the nature of sadness

And reminds us all that it is okay to feel sad

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day

A day we remember the 6 million Jewish people murdered by the Nazis during World War Two

1.5 million of those were children

The Jewish people were persecuted for their beliefs, for being themselves

On Holocaust Memorial Day we remember all people killed simply for being who they are

We take some time to reflect on events in the past and think what can we do

To stop such horrific things ever happening again

Tonight we will light our candle at 8pm

We will remember all those people and children

Killed for simply being who they are

Tonight we will also remember Etty and the other survivors

Who have learned to build a shelter for their sadness

And live with good hearts

‘Give your sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due,
for if everyone bears grief honestly and courageously, the sorrow that now fills the world will abate. But if you do instead reserve most of the space inside you for hatred and thoughts of revenge –
from which new sorrows will be born for others – then sorrow will never cease in the world.
And if you have given sorrow the space it demands, then you may truly say:
life is beautiful and so rich.’
Esther ‘Etty’ Hillesum (15 Jan 1914 – 30 Nov 1943)