Tea is drunk to forget the din of the world T’ien Yi-heng I love my blog Through it I have met so many wonderful people And discovered so many beautiful brands A few months ago I received an email from … Continue reading
Over the last 13 weeks I have been adjusting to life as a mummy of four Logistically, managing three children is not new to me and so I had assumed it would be easy I really should know by now … Continue reading
Half term has been lovely Unseasonably warm And we have made the most of it A couple of trips out toward the end of the week But mostly long, lazy pyjama days at home Filled with plenty of play Our … Continue reading
Back in April we were part of a campaign to celebrate the 10th anniversary of one of our favourite books, Oliver Jeffers’ How To Catch A Star This is a very special Matilda Mae book for us and I read … Continue reading
Today has been a rainy and windy day Such a contrast from the sunshine of yesterday But I am glad for the rain today I am glad for the rain and the puddles As I sit and watch tears fall … Continue reading
This month is World Prematurity Awareness Month This is my fourth year being a part of this global event As Esther and William enter their fifth year of life Five years! When they were born We were not sure they … Continue reading
I cannot believe that it has already been a week since The Baby Show I had such a wonderful day with my sister and Ami, from Beebies Baby Store Even though we left home while it was still dark and … Continue reading
Back in June as part of the Asobi Ambassador programme We tested and reviewed some Creative Collage Kits from The Orb factory Which we loved The Orb Factory is a brand known to us As back in 2013 Esther and … Continue reading
Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Fillet of a fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake; Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting, … Continue reading
Today it hit me like a wave of steel
It knocked me off my feet before I was even out of bed
Grief gripped me and it would not let go
Trapped in it’s vice like grip
I knew today was going to be an emotional day
Baby Bea is struggling with her tummy
She has not pooed for a day or two
And so is restless and wriggly
And not her usual chilled out self
Our beautiful Rainbow Baby
Is also looking, and acting,
More and more like her big sister in the sky
It makes me happy to see Tilda in Bea
At the same time it shreds my heart
The absolute unfairness of our lives
All blessed for knowing and loving Tilda
All cursed
Forever broken
Never to be whole again
Every milestone that my Earth children reach
Reminds me of the ones Tilda will never see
Every birthday celebrated by family and friends
Is an age that Tilda will never be
All the places she will never go
People she will never know
It makes me so sad
And as the 2nd looms again
I am drowning in the horror of it all
My baby died!
Today our nephews came to play
They were asking lots of questions about Tilda
Prompted by the photos we have around
Where Tilda looks so much like Bea
Where Bea and Tilda look the same
They could see the similarities
They wanted to know if the photos were Tilda or Bea
Granny explained that Tilda had died
I am so glad Granny was there
They wanted to know how Tilda had died
A question for which we have no answer
They asked why Tilda died
And were very concerned that Bea may die too
As Bea was unsettled they asked why she was crying
I explained that her tummy is poor today
They wanted to know if Bea was poorly, would she die?
It must be so hard for children to understand
All their questions with no answers
Nothing that is easy for them to understand
Nothing that is satisfactory for any of us to accept or understand
I am so glad Granny was with us today
It is funny that today I woke up feeling sad about Tilda
And then all the questions came
Esther and William are incredibly emotional and tired at the moment
Especially William, especially today
I think they are exhausted from their first term at big school
And also fighting a virus and bugs picked up along the way
William was utterly wiped out this afternoon
At 4pm he was asking for his bath and bed
Curled up on Bea’s changing mat
No smiles or laughter
I have never seen him like that
As soon as any of our children are slightly ill
The panic does set in
The helplessness of knowing there is nothing we can do
Mixed with the emotion of knowing there was nothing we could have done
It all gets muddled on an emotional day
Today was an emotional day
On Sunday it is the second of November
One year since the welly walk for Matilda Mae
21 months since our baby girl was cruelly snatched away
Died
SIDS
On Sunday we will go to the sea
Daddy, Mummy, Esther, William and Bea
We will blow bubbles to our angel baby in the sky
Send our love on the waves
From the sea to the stars
We love you and we miss you Matilda Mae
We will love you and miss you for all of our days
Our Water Baby