Today it hit me like a wave of steel

It knocked me off my feet before I was even out of bed

Grief gripped me and it would not let go

Trapped in it’s vice like grip

I knew today was going to be an emotional day

Baby Bea is struggling with her tummy

She has not pooed for a day or two

And so is restless and wriggly

And not her usual chilled out self

Our beautiful Rainbow Baby

Is also looking, and acting,

More and more like her big sister in the sky

It makes me happy to see Tilda in Bea

At the same time it shreds my heart

The absolute unfairness of our lives

All blessed for knowing and loving Tilda

All cursed

Forever broken

Never to be whole again

Every milestone that my Earth children reach

Reminds me of the ones Tilda will never see

Every birthday celebrated by family and friends

Is an age that Tilda will never be

All the places she will never go

People she will never know

It makes me so sad

And as the 2nd looms again

I am drowning in the horror of it all

My baby died!

Today our nephews came to play

They were asking lots of questions about Tilda

Prompted by the photos we have around

Where Tilda looks so much like Bea

Where Bea and Tilda look the same

They could see the similarities

They wanted to know if the photos were Tilda or Bea

Granny explained that Tilda had died

I am so glad Granny was there

They wanted to know how Tilda had died

A question for which we have no answer

They asked why Tilda died

And were very concerned that Bea may die too

As Bea was unsettled they asked why she was crying

I explained that her tummy is poor today

They wanted to know if Bea was poorly, would she die?

It must be so hard for children to understand

All their questions with no answers

Nothing that is easy for them to understand

Nothing that is satisfactory for any of us to accept or understand

I am so glad Granny was with us today

It is funny that today I woke up feeling sad about Tilda

And then all the questions came

Esther and William are incredibly emotional and tired at the moment

Especially William, especially today

I think they are exhausted from their first term at big school

And also fighting a virus and bugs picked up along the way

William was utterly wiped out this afternoon

At 4pm he was asking for his bath and bed

Curled up on Bea’s changing mat

No smiles or laughter

I have never seen him like that

As soon as any of our children are slightly ill

The panic does set in

The helplessness of knowing there is nothing we can do

Mixed with the emotion of knowing there was nothing we could have done

It all gets muddled on an emotional day

Today was an emotional day

On Sunday it is the second of November

One year since the welly walk for Matilda Mae

21 months since our baby girl was cruelly snatched away

Died

SIDS

On Sunday we will go to the sea

Daddy, Mummy, Esther, William and Bea

We will blow bubbles to our angel baby in the sky

Send our love on the waves

From the sea to the stars

We love you and we miss you Matilda Mae

We will love you and miss you for all of our days

Our Water Baby

Esther and William love having an activity set up ready for them when they return from school

Autumn is a lovely season for small world play

So many seasonal things can be included

Conkers, apples, acorns, corn

So many wonderful woodland or farmyard animals

Harvest time is an inspirational time for sensory play

This month I made Esther and William individual autumn worlds of play

Esther has a forest floor in a box

While William has a farm in a tray

Both spaces are very small

But are proving to be just what we need for a small window of play after school

Esther’s box was inspired by one of our favourite autumn stories

Squirrel’s Autumn Search

I lined the box with felt

Red, brown, golden, green

I then poured rice on to it

I added piles of pasta

To be log pile houses

Animal dens

We added berries and conkers

Acorns and stones

Autumn leaves were strewn around

And then the animals were added

Squirrels and hedgehogs

Rabbits and hares

Badgers and birdies

Foxes and moles

Before adding the creatures and seasonal bits

We used the rice for some mark making

We made letters from our names

And the initial sounds of our autumn collections

S for squirrel

E for Esther

C for conker

A for Autumn

In William’s tray was a smaller version of his Harvest Farm

He loves ploughing the fields with his mini tractors

And loading their trailers

He loves gathering feed for his animals

How I love to watch him play

How I love to watch them both play

Together as they so often do

Or independently as in this instance

How I love to listen to the stories that they tell

The scenarios they concoct

The voices they give their characters

How I love to listen to them play

Esther and William love small world play

And so do I

It encourages talking and listening as children play together or at least alongside each other

It allows children to create stories around things they know or often stories they have read

It helps children to process ideas and new concepts

It allows children to communicate their thinking, their feelings, their fears

It enables adults to find out what new things children have been doing as they bring them into their play

This has been really useful for me since Esther and William started school

Small world play gives children a tiny space of their own

To fill with the things they enjoy

To fill with their imaginations

And how I love to watch them play

Here are some of my other small world play posts

Dinosaur Lands

Small World Stars

Flower Fairy Water Play

Construction Site

Heaven and Earth