Dear Matilda Mae: A Day of Planning Updated in the morning light x

My darling baby girl

I have spent a lot of time in your room today.

My favourite time is just as Esther and William go to sleep, when I should be feeding you.

The room is dark except for the lamp I lit a little when I found you.

No one is allowed to touch that light.

It will stay on until I am ready to be the one to turn it off.

When I am ready to go back to sleeping in our room instead of on the living room floor.

When I am ready to say goodbye.

I am finding that my coping mechanism is planning.

I am desperately trying to plan your funeral.

Would you like to hear what I have come up with so far?

Your goodbye will be in four parts.

A church funeral, your cremation, a gathering with a celebration for the children who knew you and sending your ashes to sea.

The church will be open to anyone and everyone who would like to come. And those that cannot make it in person will be invited to join us through the power of Twitter. I want people to see how far your smile has reached these past 9 months and especially the past few days.

You are wearing a beautiful suit from The Essential One. Your favourite bright pink suit with a purple Snoodie from Mama Designs. I am going to complement you with a purple dress and a pink scarf. I am going to look my best for you on that day.

Matilda Mae @ The Baby Show

We will ask everyone who attends to wear something purple or pink.

Daddy and I are going to carry you into the church. For me it will be like I am giving you back to God, now that you have earned your wings.

I know that it will be hard but it feels right. I carried you in my womb for 9 months and on my chest for 9 months. I will carry you to the end. I am your Mummy. It is what I am supposed to do.

We have chosen some music that we love from a very sad episode of our favourite TV programme The West Wing. It is a series that Daddy and I have watched every season of at least 7 times. The music is Hallelujah and while this plays there will be photos of you. I have been searching through my pictures and in every single one you smile. You were such a happy baby. I miss your beautiful smile.

There will only be one hymn to sing and that will be Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace. We sang this at our wedding when you were our special, miracle, secret bump. We were so happy you were on your way!

We will also be having the song Starlight by Muse. A song Daddy and I love that reflects our musical tastes and also makes us think of beautiful you.

There will also be a time for reflection in the church when your own special lullaby will be played. This was written especially for you my angel x Thank you Sarah x

At the crematorium when you are taken away then we are going to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, there was really no other song it could be. You are our little star, our star of the sea. However, you did ask me in a dream last night if this could be followed by Wheels On The Bus. I think even now you are longing to make us all giggle and smile. I hope we can do that for you. You did love a bit of Wheels on the Bus, just as Esther and William do now. We miss you Missy Matilda Mae x

The crematorium has more of an order of things now. We are going to ask Michele to talk on behalf of our friends, Uncle Martin to talk on behalf of our families, then Daddy will talk for our little gang before I read you your final bedtime story and we all say our final goodbyes. I am going to read you ‘No Matter What’ then will make sure I read it to Esther and William every day. We love you Matilda Mae x

We are going to keep your ashes until your first birthday when we will be on holiday in Cornwall and then we will go to the beach and cast them out to sea. You are our star of the sea Matilda Mae. We love you so!!!

We are asking people to donate to Bliss in a special fund for helping tiny babies. This Precious Star fund was started for you by a very special lady called Kylie. It is a wonderful idea as it is perfect for us as a family affected by both premature birth and premature loss. Thank you Kylie.

Though Esther and William will not be attending your funeral we want them to know that we thought of them whilst saying goodbye to you. We will ask the vicar to talk a bit about them and about how they were with you.

There will be a bible reading from Daddy’s Godmother and Uncle Steven will read you a story. The story of Laura’s Star. I have bought a copy of the book for you to have in your coffin and a copy each for Esther and William to keep too.

After the church and the crematorium all your cousins will join us and we will find a place to be outside where we will all blow you bubbles up to the sky. Watch out for them Matilda Mae they are sent full to bursting with our love. I am going to give each cousin a pot of bubbles and a copy of this story for their parents to share with them when the time is right.

Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more. ‘Look!’ said one of the water bugs to another, ‘One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?’ Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return. ‘That’s funny!’ said one water bug to another. ‘Wasn’t she happy here?’ asked a second water bug. ‘Were do you suppose she went?’ wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. ‘I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.’ ‘We promise’, they said solemnly. One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above. When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: ‘The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why’. Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. ‘I can’t return!’ he said in dismay. ‘At least I tried, but I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what happened to me, and where I went’. And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

Fly high little dragon fly!

My plans are coming together.

I will not let you down.

I love you Matilda Mae x

47 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: A Day of Planning Updated in the morning light x

  1. Jennie, words still fail me. I still can’t believe this has happened. You’re being so strong and these plans are just beautiful. Sending you all the love and strength in the world xxx

  2. Oh Jennie. Well done. Keep going. Keep planning. Keep talking. You will never regret putting so much effort into this. It’s great that you are communicating and getting help and ideas. Don’t worry about doing that. It will matter to you late that people shared your planning. You are doing so well. I am so pleased to see you talking and asking for help. I just wish there was no need :( . Lots of love.

  3. Jenny, my god you are wonderful and so strong. I am so sorry for you all, I have been meaning to write all week but really didn’t know what to say to you. You may not remember me, I am one of the ARGC mummy’s, we used to speak when Amelia was born almost the same day as Esther & William, she also prem but not as much as them. You have been in my thoughts and prayers every day this week. I am glad you may be finding some comfort in planning, there are so many here praying for you, David, Esther & William. You are one amazing mother. Matilda Mae will be so proud to have a mummy like you, I am sure as much as she was a beautiful gift to you all, you were one amazing gift to her. You were obviously chosen for her. Xxx

  4. Dear Jennie,
    I’m not much of a writer, words fail me, but this, as everyone has said, is just beautiful. I listened to the music last night, so full of love. Xx

  5. Jennie, every time I read your words I feel tears well up in my eyes. I can’t concentrate on anything else and I keep trying to close my eyes and make time rewind. And I can’t. I’ve always read your blog and I’ve never been much of a comment-er – mostly because I’m at work and I find it hard to find the time. But I really don’t care about work right now. I suppose that sounds bizarre as you are a perfect stranger to me and me to you, but Matilda Mae has touched me and so have you. I’m so sorry. I hate that I can’t make it better. And I hate that the beautiful little girl, with those gorgeous eyes and special smile, isn’t here anymore. How can that be? I’m so sorry. xxx

  6. This is so beautiful. When I sing Twinkle Twinkle to mine tonight, I will be thinking of Matilda Mae. No words seems enough, but I wanted you to know you have been in my thoughts all week and I am so sorry for your terrible, tragic loss and that you are having to go through this unimaginable painful time. xx

  7. Once again I am moved to tears. It sounds beautiful. So pleased you like the lullaby. I am glad I have been able to help in a small way. You are all still in my thoughts and prayers. XXXX

  8. You don’t know me as I am just one of the many strangers who have been drawn into your heart wrenching tweets but I just wanted to tell you that your words are just so beautiful and full of love. I also wanted to tell you about a poem called The Ship by Victor Hugo which brings me great comfort. Thinking of you and your family and adding my virtual hug to the huge pile that have already been sent to you.

  9. You’re an amazing family. I am deeply shocked and saddened, and cannot really imagine how it is for you all. Just wanted to recognise your wonderful Matilda Mae and say that more people than you’ll ever meet are thinking of you. At least you can never doubt you all loved her enough or that she felt it; that is obvious to all of us. What a happy face. You’ll never forget her. xx

  10. That all sounds beautiful. You are such a strong woman and I’m glad that Twitter, blogging and planning are helping you cope.
    I wanted to pop by to suggest you listen to Fredrika Stahl’s version of Twinkle Twinkle little star – I had this playing as my darling boy was carried out at the end of his service and it was perfect. Also because it’s a slightly different version it means the nursery rhyme itself won’t then remind you of the funeral, because something I’ve learnt is music knocks me for six if I hear it unexpectedly.

    All my love for the whole family xxx

  11. Such a beautiful post, and you have planned such a beautiful goodbye for your little girl. I’m so sorry you’re having to do this. No matter what, was always a special story for me and my children – I’m going to dig it out and read it again with them tonight – it’s just the perfect choice. I’m really trying not to intrude, but a suggestion was made in the Facebook group about sending you a photo – I hope you didn’t mind ours xx

  12. Jenny it sounds as if it will be a perfect day for your ” little star”. I know how hard it is to sit and plan a funeral for your child. A job no parent should ever have to do. Please be kind to yourself, for me I was ok until
    after the funeral. Then the emptiness hit home, please don’t walk this pathway alone, allow people to be there for you, allow yourself time to be.

    May our angels always watch over us.

    Take care and if you ever need to talk I’m here, losing a child is a pain no one can imagine but somehow even though my heart broke it still continued on.

  13. You have planned such a beautiful service for your little girl. I am a strong believer that lost loved ones do come to you in your dreams, my dad came to me for help and I spoke to him, he then came back a few days later to let me know he was okay and felt no more pain. You are all in my thoughts every day x x

  14. Oh Jennie everyone of your posts has had me in tears. Could I use your Waterbugs and Dragonflies story in one of my creative literacy session it is so beautiful and it would be great for the kids to create some dragonflies. It would be my way of marking Matilda Mae’s passing. I might not be able to explain to them all that the story represents but at least give them the idea that when things disappear it might not be a bad thing. I was struggling to explain to Little Man the other day about pets dying. This might be a kind way of explaining things. My heart goes out to you.

  15. I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to comment until now. I’ve read all of your posts but was away from home and couldn’t come over and leave a response here. I’m so desperately sorry that you have loss little MM. All of us in the mummy blogging community would do anything to take this pain away and bring her back. I know all of us are terribly sad that we can’t do that, that all we can do is let you know we are here for you and do our best to offer you support during what can only be hell for you and your family. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking of you all every day since the horrific news broke last weekend. I know you’re finding huge support in the online community. Please know that so many of us are thinking of you and hoping so desperately that this horrendous pain gets easier soon. xxx

  16. Your funeral plan is amazing. I wanted to tell you that I read what you wrote about wanting to get in your baby’s bath all week, and because of that, I took my children out of nursery on Tuedsday and we went sledging. I have never met you or your beautiful children but because of Matilda Mae I spent the morning doing something precious with my children and praying for you all. Thank you X

  17. Well done Jennie. If you do not mind, me and the boys will blow some bubbles too on that day. No Matter What is one of our favorite books, I read it each night to Mini after my mum died and he still reads it. It gives him comfort.

  18. Jennie, this is the most beautiful post and yet so heart breaking. I’m so happy Matilda Mae came to you in dream and made you smile. I am sure that all of your planning will mean you give Matilda Mae one splendid send off that you may cherish for the rest of your life.
    I am still so very very sorry this has happened. Sending my thoughts to you and your family xx

  19. you are a remarkable mummy, the strength is inspiring and although you dont know me and i dont know you…. i just wanted you to know that i am so sorry for your loss but you’re planning such a wonderful celebration for such a gorgeous little girl… my thoughts are with you xxxxx

  20. Jennie it sounds like everything will be just right and Matilda Mae will be smiling down on you all, so proud of her wonderful family. Wheels on the Bus is perfect and one not to be missed out for sure!
    Kisses and hugs to Ester and William and many sweet dreams for Matilda Mae xxx

  21. Dear Jenny, I have just discovered your blog and I just wanted to say hi and how much I feel for you. What you write is so beautiful, what an extraordinary way to make the memory of Matilda Mae live on. All my heart goes to you and your beautiful family. Anne xxx

  22. You are such a brave lady and she was so lucky to have you as a mum, even for a short time. I’ve been thinking about you all week as have lots of people who would do anything to take the pain away for you and your family.

    It sounds like you’re planning a beautiful goodbye to a beautiful girl x

  23. I hope you don’t mind me commenting. I don’t know you personally and so I feel I maybe have no right but I just have to say something. My heart has broken for your so many times in thr last week. A truely wicked thing to happen anyone. There are no words. What is truely amazing though is watching the outpouring of love, support and advice from everyone around you and those no where near you. Your beautiful baby girls legacy is going to be huge. Who really can say that when their time comes they have touched the lives of people so deeply? People they didn’t even know? Not many. But your Matilda Mae can. Where ever your angel is now she must look down and know she was loved beyond words. There can be no doubt in her mind. In the last few days I have seen the name Matilda over and over. It keeps appearing – I hear it when I’m out, I have spoken to people’s who’s name it is and I have seen it written down. I always think of you and your Matilda. I have even bought the book – I don’t quite know why. Maybe when my daughter is old enough il read it to her. Il tell her of another little girl called Matilda who went to heaven and we’ll think of her, and you and your Matilda Mae’s name will go on. Sorry for rambling. I just wanted you to know. I am thinking of you and your Matilda Mae. She will never be forgotten by even those who never got to meet her x

  24. Beauty unabounded. I wish you all the strength to smile, and laugh, and the courage to remember the warmth you felt from Matilda Mae, your precious star. xxx

  25. Words fail me. I have tears streaming down my cheeks – this is so, so beautiful.- you have planned the most beautiful and delicate ceremony for the most special girl in the world. I’m so, so sorry you having to do this….. (thinking of you).

  26. Your little girl will be so proud of the service you are creating in her honour and memory. Everytime I blow bubbles with my daughter I will think of Matilda Mae and pray for you all. You are so very brave. xx

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