Today has been an exhausting day. There have been moments of inspiration and planning, lots of talking, some playing, lots of crying, some shouting and swearing. Some feeling that nothing will be right ever again and some determination that everything needs to now be better than ever.
My head is burning, my heart is aching and often I do not know if I am coming or going and I just want the earth to swallow me up.
I long for a quiet place just me and my laptop.
I crave company and a chance to remember my beautiful baby out loud.
I want to show people photos and rejoice in my wee angel’s smile.
I want to break things.
I want to be held while I cry.
Today started well. Last night David stayed up with me as he was busy making plans for Esther and William’s new bedroom.
We need to move them from their cots to beds and David is building them the most amazing beds.
They are going to be small single beds, each in it’s own little room within a room. It is hard to describe.
There will be stairs between the rooms that will lead to an upper level where they will have their own area to play.
The room will also have a reading nook and the walls will be sky blue and littered with stars of all sizes and materials. One star will be chosen to bear the name of Matilda Mae.
I have just ordered some lovely starry bedding from H&M and want to fill the room with wooden toys for a really peaceful place to be and play.
David and I are obviously now overly concerned about safe sleeping and so we have ordered these mattresses from Mothercare that are safe and hygenic and prevent overheating. With no cause of death for Matilda Mae I am terrified to think that she may have overheated though the night she died was so bitterly cold.
David is building the beds out of the safest materials he can find and we are going to paint the walls with Nursery Paint. This was recommended to me by Emma from Me The Man and The Baby. Having looked at their website it was easy to convince David that this is the paint we must use for Esther and William’s room.
The paint is
VOC Free – BS EN71 compliant so no chemicals in our paint !
Antibacterial – We add silver colloid to our paint which is resistant to 99% of pathogens, meaning your walls stay germ free!
Made from natural soya beans.
The colour we like the best is Whisper which seems to fit with the peaceful, tranquil, safe environment that we are trying to create.
In absolute contrast to this planning for the future we have also been busy planning for the present and for Matilda’s goodbye.
Today we went to the funeral home to start realising our plans for our celebration of The Little Life of Matilda Mae.
I was surprised at how composed I was able to be as we had to make some horrible decisions.
We had to choose a coffin and at first we accepted a white wooden one but then I asked David if we could buy her a woollen one. It comes with a blanket to keep her warm and a mattress to keep her comfy. It is softer to look at and gentler to touch. It seemed just perfect for our beautiful little girl. She will be cradled, cocooned, as we give her back to God.
The other thing we talked about was transport. I did not want Matilda’s casket to be on show for all to see as it is not nice for anyone to have to witness a child taking their final journey.
There will be one car for Matilda. David and I can travel with her if we like. A decision I think we will have to make on the day. I hope to have the strength to not let our baby travel alone.
The car is called a Hearsette and to our relief it can travel at normal speeds as we do not want a dragged out journey to the church.
We have asked for Matilda to be brought to the chapel of rest so that we can see her. Because the funeral is to be almost a month away we have decided to have her embalmed. I started to read about this process and now wish that I had not. I am unsure whether I will actually go and see Baby Tilda. I feel that I should and there are things I want to say and do and give to her but I am so so worried about seeing her. David wants to see her. He wants to say goodbye and tell her that he is sorry.
If we do go to see her we can place some items in the coffin with her. I have had these chosen since the day after she died. I want to make sure that she has these things to comfort her in heaven and so she knows that we will love her always. Our darling Matilda Mae.
With over three weeks until the funeral David and I are going to take Esther and William away. Our two troublesome toddlers are in desperate need of some quality mummy and daddy time. They are the ones who need us most right now. David and I have promised to be happy for them and with them and not get cross with each other if we seem to be too happy. It is hard to spend time with Esther and William and not giggle and smile.
After the funeral our routine will return to normal, our new kind of normal, without Matilda Mae.
The moment that I fell apart in the funeral home was when I asked them to please make sure that they closed her eyes as the hospital had not been able to do so. I want to know that she is at peace, wherever she may be.
Matilda Mae’s funeral will be held at St Mary’s Church in Kennington, Ashford on the 7th March 2013. She would have been just over 10 months old.