Trying to Say Goodbye

My dearest darling Matilda Mae

I tried to say goodbye to you today

We came to the place your body is resting

But you were not there

There lay an empty shell

That your soul and spirit had borrowed a while

But you my darling daughter were not there

Even though your eyes were shut tight

I knew you were not there

Your soul and your beauty are flying high

The body left behind is broken

Never to be fixed

It cannot hold you down any more

You are free to soar in the skies

Be free my beautiful angel

And know that we love you

I was determined not to let you down today

Did you see?

I walked into the room where your coffin waited

Carrying the things you will need for your journey on

I had intended to place each one carefully with you

And explain the reason they were there

But you were not there little girl

For me to talk to

Just your empty carriage

Just the remains of what kept you grounded

And enabled you to stay with us here on earth

Even if only for the tiniest while

I am so sorry that I was so scared

I am so sorry that I ran from the room

I am sorry that I cowered in the corner of the corrridor like a coward

I was so frightened Matilda Mae

I had expected to see you laying there

Looking all at peace

Not a bruised and broken body

That belonged to an angel that once I knew

Know that I love you little girl

And I came back to the room

It took all the strength I have to stand behind your Daddy

As he did the job I could not do

Gave you the belongings we so want you to have

You are in our hearts Matilda Mae

You are all around us but I am certain that this morning you were not anywhere in that room

So let me tell you now Baby Tilda

The things we have chosen for you to have

To treasure now you are gone

Inside your coffin we have laid

Your favourite cuddly bunny to snuggle and soothe you as you rest. Remember how I used to stroke your face and hand with it’s soft furry paw as you were falling to sleep.

A picture of you with Esther and William. Remember their love and their over enthusiastic cuddles.

A poem I wrote that explains what I think we both always knew, you were born to be an angel.

A description I wrote of the night we found you sleeping. I hope it helps you realise how much you were loved and how broken we are without you.

A picture that I drew one week after you died. I felt I was drowning without you.

A photo of us two together, mummy and daughter as we should be.

Some raspberry mittens and booties, to protect those fingers and toes. The tiniest yet chubbiest fingers and toes.

A copy of the story Matilda that I had always meant to read with you. Would you have been like as you grew up?

The story Laura’s Star that will be read in your memory as people gather to celebrate your beautiful life.

I hope that you like the things we have chosen.

I hope they provide comfort to you and to me.

I am so so sorry that we did not get our perfect goodbye.

Perhaps it is because it was not meant to be.

Because the part of you that matters.

Your beautiful spirit and soul

Is still dancing here in the sunlight

Playing in the garden that will forever hold your memory

Just as you will always fill a special piece of my heart

Be at peace Matilda Mae

I turned your light off today

Night Night Matilda Mae x

Be free, Baby Tilda, Be free x

83 thoughts on “Trying to Say Goodbye

  1. This post is simply lovely. Each and every item you have given Matilda obviously means so much to you all. You have amazing strength that I could only imagine having xx

  2. You’ve done everything right, Jennie and family. Now keep remembering her as she was, the beautiful star whose light you’re capturing and shining for all of us. xx

  3. Tears streaming down my face – I remember going to say goodbye to my little one and it took me back to that time.

    Your comments on how you felt Baby Tilda was always meant to be an angel ring true to me too – I had the exact same feeling with my son. Since then I trust my instincts.

    Sending you love xx

  4. Jennie. I’m so sorry. I keep thinking what I would feel, should my mum have done this for me. And I know, I REALLY know, that she is looking down on you and believing that she was the luckiest little girl that there is. Only brilliant people can raise an angel. And you did. I won’t forget Matilda Mae. She’ll be a constant reminder of how precious children are. Don’t feel guilt. Don’t feel shame. You are a brilliant mother. Her spirit may fly in the sky, but her heart, her memory, will always be with you.

    One of my favourite quotes, being the person that I am, is a lyric from Les Miserables. And I think, more than ever, it rings true:

    “And remember, the truth that once was spoken – to love another person is to see the face of God.”

    xxx

  5. I’m sat here with the tears streaming down my face, Jennie. Once again so beautifully written, so heartfelt and so moving. My heart aches for you so so much. I wish I could give you a big hug and I hope that I can on March 7th. Lots of love xxx

  6. Oh Jennie, as always so beautifully written. It must have been so hard. Matilda will love everything you have left with her. Next time you see her you will be saying hello but in the meantime she will be with you day and night in your heart forever. xxxx

  7. I’m sure she is so proud of you as she plays in the heavens above with her angel friends. I’ve never met you but your story and your honesty over these heartbreaking weeks has touched my heart. I wish, more than anything, that I could ease your pain. You may not feel it at tes but you have done so well and come across as so strong. My best friend unfortunatly lost her Baby Emma ladt year and I saw a quote that has stayed with me “Even the smallest of feet have the power to leave everlasting footprints upon this world” I am sure that is true of your baby girl . Sending you love xxx

  8. I don’t know you, Jenny, but follow you on Twitter.
    I’ve been reading your Tweets and blog posts over the last few weeks and am amazed at your strength and devotion to all your children. I’m a mother myself and I have no idea of the heartbreak you are going through,in fact I can’t even imagine it without welling up, but wanted to send you and your family good thoughts and love from a stranger.
    Your beautiful Baby Tilda lives on in your writing and in photos – she is a beautiful girl who is clearly loved by so many.
    Wishing you all the best,
    Sara
    x

  9. Tears pouring down my face, so beautifully written and heartfelt. Wishing your angel on her way with stardust at her feet and love all around her. Special, special girl.

  10. I’m so sorry – tears here too. My heart hurts for you all, but I agree with Charlotte – she knows. And she knows how much you love her, how much it hurts and how hard you are trying to be strong. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Massive hugs x

  11. Oh Jennie I just want to give you a big hug, I read this with tears rolling down my face. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard today was, you did baby Tilda proud x

  12. Oh Jennie there really are no words.Saying goodbye to a baby is unbearable, but I hope like us, you will find some comfort in the coming years knowing that Matilda Maes spirit was no longer there but with the angels, safe and loved. I am not sure exactly when a spirit leaves but after spending 3 days with Clover after her death I could see it gradually slip away and when we laid things in her coffin and dressed her on the day of the funeral I could see just as you did that there was nothing but a shell left.

    I am sure MM was incredibly proud of you today – I think it really shows what fantastic parents you are that you really saw her from her very beginning to the end of her time on earth. I truely believe that being a great mummy is about being there in the very bad times, no matter how much they hurt and that is where real mummies are made. It doesnt matter you found it scary hun, you were there and you gave her all the things she needed for her journey including your love and permission to fly to God – you let her go and that is a priceless gift. She was just too beautiful for life here but you were the lucky ones that got to teach her what she needed to learn before she moved on. Heaven will shine because she is there. Sending so much love xxxxx

  13. Sending you and your family all the love in the world. Reading your tweets and blogs since discovering them a couple of weeks ago. Your beautiful daughter was clearly a child who glowed with the love invested in her by her family. Indeed she glowed so much she was destined to become a shining star. Your beautiful writing and the love you show for all your family have already given me great strength and I am sure they will continue to give others strength in years to come. Thank you for sharing your love and pain so bravely with us. Was thinking of you especially this morning. Good bless you and your family.

  14. You have done today what no parent should ever have to do. I have followed your blog and cried for you and your family every day since reading the news about beautiful Matilda Mae. She will be a beautiful angel and will watch over you and your family forever.

    You are so brave, you have such strength and grace and are a fantastic mummy. Because of you and your story I try hard every day to be the best mummy I can be.

  15. I don’t know you, but I wish I could come and sit with you a while and hold you in your grief. But I am grieving for you on this side of the computer screen. You are such a brave and courageous Mummy. You have placed some special things in Matilda Mae’s coffin and I have no doubt she is so very proud of you how much thought and care you have put into picking out just the right things to send with her on her journey.

  16. She is so loved and will always be remembered.
    You couldn’t say a perfect goodbye, as this is not goodbye. She is always with you.
    You put such lovely things in with her, I know she understands and feels this love.
    Dance with the Angels, Matilda Mae.

    Love, hugs and peace to you all
    xxx

  17. Jennie, I’m so heartbroken for you, no parent should ever, ever have to do what you did today. Your Matilda Mae is in the sky shining beautifully. I saw a pink sunset yesterday and baby Tilda and you were my first thought. You are so strong and brave and your babies are very lucky.

    I can’t imagine how hard today was for you and your husband. I’m thinking of you constantly xxxx

  18. With tears streaming down my face I read this beautiful post from you Jennie. You are a fantastic mum and what you have done today has proven that. Matilda Mae will be so proud of you. Your family are always in my thoughts, sending you lots of love and strength. xxxx

  19. Absolutely beautifully written. I have tears reading this as it is so moving.

    I wish I could come and hold your hand or take your pain from you.

    Sending much love.
    X

  20. Dearest Jennie, absolutely heartbreaking! You have done Baby Tilda proud today, you (and David) have done an incredibly brave thing: switched the light off and let her soar. May this power and strength and her ever presence carry you through the hardest of times.

  21. I know that you don’t know me but I am so truly sorry for your loss, I can not even imagine.
    Reading this brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. I am so heartbroken for you and your family. You are a fantastic mother, Matilda is proud of you. I’m thinking of you. xx

  22. hi
    I tried to read all of it, but tears stopped me, i’m sorry. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I have a 1 year old daughter and she had exactly the same cuddly bunny as Matilda. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, even i dont really know you all x

  23. Jennie this is beautiful but so heartbreaking. I truly believe that Matilda will stay with you and watch over you for the rest of your days. Be proud of yourself for no parent should have to endure what you and David experienced today. Full of tears for your beautiful tribute to your beautiful girl xx

  24. Jennie,

    I don’t know you, but follow you and your blog through twitter.

    Your words are beautiful, I think you are so very brave. You are in my thoughts.

    Hannah

  25. Like so many other mothers, I cannot read this without crying – the thought alone of losing one of my children has me welling up. And here you are, going through absolute hell and are still brave and strong and graceful and do beautiful things for your darling Matilda Mae. Sending love and positive thoughts. Deborah xx

  26. I got all the way through your beautiful post & savoured those words, then I got to the part about the light & I crumbled.
    Jennie – my heart is breaking for you and David, but you know this: Matilda Mae couldn’t have been loved more by you both.
    You gave that little girl all you had and her little life was enriched and lived to the full.

    Fly high little butterfly … and know this, your mummy loves you so much

    xoxoxoxox

  27. Heartbreaking to read Jennie but just so beautiful. Be strong and find comfort in knowing that little Baby Tilda is with you wherever you are. She isn’t in that box, as you saw, she is flying high and watching over you day and night – you will find her in the most amazing of places, you will feel her presence with you, of that I have no doubt. Words are inadequate but I hope that you find comfort in knowing that the blogging community are behind you, praying and willing you all to stay strong together – you will do it. x

  28. I can’t help but cry for you and your family. You are a very brave woman to walk back into the room. Today took a lot of strength and you did it. Stay strong and look up at the stars every night xx

    T

  29. Jennie, I don’t know you personally, just through reading your blog, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss and how beautiful and important your writing is. You are teaching us all in the great community of Mums everywhere just how important children are and how we must never waste a second of the time that we have with them. You do this through the fun times and games that you have shared with us all and also through sharing with us all the emotions and terrible heartache when the worst moment happens. I hope that your writing is helping you to move forward at this time and that in the future it will also help your other beautiful children to understand what happened at this point in their own lives. Please keep writing. I shall keep following your story. You are an inspiration.

  30. I have been thinking of you all day and am totally humbled by your courage. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the decision that something else is more important – you were so scared but you went there today because you knew it was important.

    You saw today that the body and the soul are two quite separate things – and I hope it has, in some way, given you comfort to know this, because it makes me believe more than ever that since they are separate, the soul does not have to die just because the body does.

    You are in my thoughts and in my heart.

    xxxx

  31. What a fabulous basket of love you gave to baby Tilda. I am positive her spirit will live on in all who knew her and surround them for their time here. Massive hugs xx

  32. These are beautiful words and have brought tears, but not in a bad way, in a respectful and caring way that any mother would feel for you and your family. Take care and my thoughts are with you all. XxKaren

  33. Every time I read your blog, I end in tears because of your words. It may not have been perfect, but that would have meant it was easy, and it’s not easy. Not at all. You did good today. Know that, and know that she knows that too. Sending you lots of love, and rest in peace Matilda Mae xx

  34. I lose my words every time I try n write to you on your blog-my thoughts have been with you since hearing about baby’s tilda from a friend-following your blog over the last couple of weeks has inspired me to be safer with my little boy of 21 months n for that I thank you-you are an inspiration to many Jennie-wishing you all our love x x rest in peace baby tilda x x

  35. I so hope that one day you will feel so very proud of the mummy and woman you are. I am thinking of you and sending so much love xx

    Say not in grief that she is no more
    but say in thankfulness that she was
    A death is not the extinguishing of a light,
    but the putting out of the lamp
    because the dawn has come.

    – R. Tagore

  36. Much love to you and beautiful Matilda Mae, Jennie. You have been so brave sweetheart, MM will be so proud to have a mummy like you. My heart breaks for you every day but please know that your words are a true inspiration for the many of us who read them. Always in my thoughts A xxx

  37. sat here with tears running down my cheeks. Again a post written so beautifully and heartfelt. You are such a wonderful mummy and lady baby Tilda will be so proud of you love to you and your family xxx

  38. Jennie, your strength and grace are truly inspirational. No mother should ever go through what you went through today, and with every tear I cry, I hope I can help hold your hand in some tiny way. You are right to remember Matilda the way she was. Her body was merely a vessel and she has gone now to the sky to watch over you. Your gifts are a lovely memento to take on her journey. All my love and prayers are with you and your family. xx

  39. Such a moving and poignant post. Such a loving thing to do for MM, and no wonder you struggled. She will be so proud of you, as are the rest of us.
    I am sorry but I am selfishly sitting here with tears rolling down my face as well.
    Huge hugs and supportive loving thoughts for all of you. xx

  40. I don’t know you but we follow each other on twitter. I have been trying to put words down but they all sound wrong but I will try today to put in to words what I’ve been wanting to say. I admire your immense dignity and your tremendous ability to love which shines through even in such a dark time. I wish you, your husband and your twins the utmost peace and healing… I will never forget your baby but neither will I ever forget you. x

  41. You’ve been in my thoughts every day since your beautiful girl got her wings. This post is possibly the most poignant thing I’ve ever read, and I too, am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks. You both did a wonderful and very brave thing today. Bless you all xxxx

  42. I am so sorry that you’re going through this, I’d do anything to take the pain away for you and your beautiful family. My heart breaks for you. You’re right Tilda is not there, she’s with you always and lives on through all of you.

  43. I’ve cried so many tears for Matilda Mae, for you and your family, the heartbreaking cruelty of losing your darling daughter and the beautiful thoughts and deeds you have shared over the past few weeks. I can’t begin to imagine how you are finding the strength and grace to get through each day but I’m in awe that you do. Matilda Mae will never be forgotten, soar high sweet angel xxx

  44. What a wonderful mummy you are, I really believe she will be with you forever, every step of the way…. every step. Thinking of you and your family all the time, x

  45. Aww yet again I’m in floods of tears. I feel your pain in the words you write. I just want to send you a huge hug to you and your family! Xxxxx

  46. Aw Jennie, Jennie, Jennie. I really can’t say anything except I am so sorry. This is beautifully written and made me feel like you were telling it to Matilda Mae. I have a little thing to send to you to capture the sun for Matilda Mae if you could send me your address by email I’ll get it sent out this week. You are an amazing woman Jennie. You and David are showing such strength, I admire you both. Lots I love gorgeous. Jo x

  47. Jennie you are an amazingly strong person. You write so incredibly beautifully. MM is with you, around you and she’ll be looking after you all. I have a little bit of Shakespeare which I love and I hope you will too:

    When you do dance, I wish you
    A wave o’the sea, that you might ever do
    Nothing but that, move still, still so,
    And own no other function.

  48. I’m a man.
    I never cry.
    Except when reading your posts.
    Your baby up with the stars knows just how much you will always love her.
    She has touched the hearts and souls of thousands.
    Take care of yourself and your wonderful twins.
    And your husband.
    A rock he must be for you.
    Even though we don’t read his words, I feel his pain too.
    I am not religious but God bless.

  49. Reading this I am so devastated for you and your family, but so full of admiration for the strength you are showing. May you stay strong, and may Matilda be forever in your hearts and memories.

    Best wishes.
    Nikki Roche.

  50. I am so sorry for your loss. Since hearing your sad news through a mutual friend, I think of Matilda, you and your family every day. I’m so so sorry. X

  51. Pingback: Bereavement Support After a Baby Dies | Edspire

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