Missing My Matilda Mae

It has really hit me today that Matilda is no longer here

That everything I am doing at the moment

Is because she is not here.

Should I be grateful to her?

For dying?

Can I be happy for the things I am achieving?

Should I be?

I only wish that none of it were true.

I wish I were not organising a walk in her memory.

I wish I were not raising awareness of the fact that healthy babies can die suddenly and unexpectedly

And there is nothing you can do to save them.

I wish I had no idea who The Lullaby Trust were and why they felt it so important to change their name

I wish I were not feeling a need to help other mothers who lose their babies like mine.

I wish I were not shortlisted as an inspiring blog as I am only inspiring because my baby died.

I wish I were not a finalist as an outstanding MAD blogger. I only stand out because my baby died.

I am only number one in the Tots 100 because my 9 month old baby died.

There would be no book to write if my baby had not died.

She just died.

And I seem to be everything without her.

That is not right.

And I don’t know what I should do about it

Or how I should feel?

I would be nothing if my baby had not died.

Nothing but a mother to a daughter

A warm blooded, rosy skinned, sparkly eyed, ever smiling baby daughter

I want her back!

Missing My Matilda Mae

13 thoughts on “Missing My Matilda Mae

  1. I know what you are saying and I don’t know how you should feel either. I’m not sure you ‘should’ feel any particular way. I want you to know though, that I voted for you in the awards last year and the year before that too. This year, things ARE different and that cannot be ignored but I did not vote for you out of pity, or because your beautiful daughter has been taken from you. I did not vote for you because of any of the reasons you think people voted for you. I voted for you because your writing is beautiful, and inspiring. It’s the messy play posts that are the most inspiring, which is the reason why the book is happening too. I happen to think that book has always been in you.
    That said, I guess that it must be the most awful, horrid feeling knowing that you are doing things without Tilda. Knowing that life is moving on and her being without you is bringing new things into your life. I am so so so sorry. But I do think that you deserve your nominations. I just wish that all of this was different.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. I agree with everything that Susanne says. But if I could take it all away and give you your baby back then I would. Of course I would. I do not believe that ‘things happen for a reason’ so I will not try and tell you that – but I do know that you are achieving so much in spite of your terrible loss. I know that your daughter – who is watching from somewhere more glorious than we can comprehend – will be proud.

    I wish with all my heart it weren’t so xxx

  3. I agree with Susanne, you deserve everything you have achieved blog related because of your amazing ability to write so honestly and beautifully, and don’t forget you have been a finalist in the awards for the past few years, you have always been a very very good blogger worthy of recognition for your writing Jennie, always. yes things perhaps more seen now, and yes thats because you lost your amazing daughter, and of course you would rather her be with you and no of those things happen but thats not how it was to be, sometimes things happen for a reason, and maybe you and your blog are destined to go on this journey because you through this blog can do great things, no it will never be wonderful or right, but thats just how it is :( Matilda isn’t here in your arms,but she is in every thread of your blog, her life is right here, her death too, this blog is as much a tribute to her living as it is as a place which will be of much comfort to thoe who sadly have been or are going through the same thing. there is no right way to feel about this roller coaster of a ride that life is for you right now, but everyone will be here supporting, reading helping you in any direction you go, and keeping lMatilda Maes memory and legacy alive.

  4. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel but I just wanted to let you know that I have read your posts for a while now but never posted before. The reason I first started reading your posts and thinking you were a great blogger wasn’t because you had lost your beautiful Matilda Mae but because you gave me so many great activity ideas to do with the kids I nanny. You have always been a great blogger(and mum), we all know you would give back all of the recognition you are receiving now if it meant your baby girl could be back in your arms but it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it, MM will be happy that you are getting lots of love from people even though we know it will never make up for the love you’ve lost :( my friend just ran the London marathon for the lullaby trust so I have been thinking of you and your lovely family lots over the last few days. I know my words won’t help the way you are feeling but I just wanted to let you know that no matter what you deserve all the recognition you are getting for being a great blogger, not because of what you’ve been through but because you have always put your heart and soul into your blog x lots of love x x x

  5. Jennie…. I admit I know you only because of your sad loss of Tilda & how I wish wish I didn’t know you from the bottom of my heart but I do & I want to say your writing has hit me right there where the really good stuff gets you & shakes you & says listen to this because it’s good, it’s real, it’s from the heart…… Very very few writers or should I say people, humans have the ability to do this to another. I have read some of your posts from a few years back & they are just as captivating then as they are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself. A star does not just appear Matilda Mae is a bright star & a bright star is born of a star. Your gorgeous Matilda is lighting up the sky & inspiring everyone in heaven just as you are doing on earth…… xx sleep well xx

  6. I really HATE that I came across your blog because of everything that has happened, I only wish I had come across it and your blog long before.
    But you are inspiring, your messy/sensory play ideas and scenes are truly AMAZING I only wish I had the guts to do half as much as you do with the twins.
    I really wish that things were different, it isn’t right for this to have happened to you, or anyone. xx

  7. You deserve these awards because of the way you have written so beautifully and eloquently – not many people would be strong enough to share these thoughts. Bee x

  8. I do also agree with the rest. You can write beautifullyr and what you are doing is not in vain. Now, when I put my son Adrian to sleep, I always have a look that here are no blankets surrounding him, that the windows are open, that the air fits the room and that there is nothing around disturbing him.

    I am learning from you. I know your loss is the worst a person could ever have, but thank to you, tonight many babies will not die of SIIDS because so many parents like me will take the needed precautions thanks to your beautiful and clear writing.

    All the best for you!

    A little rock at Roundstone

  9. I have been reading for a while now but never posted before. But I wanted to say that maybe there is a different way to look at this, These things are not happening because your beautiful, precious daughter died, but because of your response to her loss. She would have died whether you were a blogger or not, whether you were on Twitter, Facebook etc. But it is the way you are dealing with her loss, your heartfelt and beautiful words, your commitment to raising awareness of SIDS and raising funds for research into it that is bringing these things about, not her loss per se. It is very early days yet, and you will feel every emotion in the book – and it is good that you have an outlet here for them. So many people are holding you and your family in their hearts – and we all wish that Baby Tilda was still in your arms. Sending love and prayers

  10. I can’t say anything better than Susanne has said. Your blog and writing has always been fantastic, Jennie. I’ve known you and read your blog since the beginnings. You inspire with your messy play posts so much and look how everyone has got onboard. I truly believe that this linky would have still inspired despite Tilda’s passing. Sending love and hugs, always xxx

  11. Your blog is brilliant Jennie, and every post is so well-written whatever the subject. I think it is a kind of mental torture to try and get your head round the fact that friendships have come out of something so terrible. It reminds me of something else… I’d better not put it here. I will message you. I suppose what I want to say is that it’s okay to be glad of the friendships while at the same time wishing that they had come about for any other reason. I don’t like the idea that Tilda’s death was meant to be. I just can’t believe it. It’s so wrong. But I can believe that friendships were meant to be. That they would have come about somehow, whatever happened. Because when you have a real connection with someone, it just feels like it has always been there. So maybe it has. Good things can come out of bad, but I think that only the good things were meant to be. Love to you Jennie xxxx

  12. Hi Jennie,
    Prior to announcing the 2013 testers, I was thinking about the same, whether people would think we choose Edspire to be one of our Toy Toad Testers (by the way thank you for that great great Toad idea) out of pity. But that is not the reason, at the time we decided you were not #1 on the list yet, we just absolutely loved your application! http://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2013/03/24/the-toadstool-toy-reviewers/

    We loved how you had made the effort of spreading the word, pointing out our values, how you choose pictures with William wearing a Toadstool jumper and the many many replies you got. I was new to your blog (all blogs to be honest) and seeing your Messy Play posts I knew it was a perfect match as I think you can use many of our toys and incorporate them in any sort of play. In your video’s you automatically show the educational value of toys as it seems to be your second nature to talk the twins through play.

    A bit later when I saw you were listed #1 I realised being given opportunities now would taste bitter sweet for you.
    But like everyone said above, your blog is inspiring, your writing exquisite, and the way you write about your loss engages a whole community and raises more awareness for the cause.
    Your writing moves everyone, I am sure I am not the only one who is tearful upon reading your posts.
    Love, Niki

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