It has really hit me today that Matilda is no longer here
That everything I am doing at the moment
Is because she is not here.
Should I be grateful to her?
Can I be happy for the things I am achieving?
Should I be?
I only wish that none of it were true.
I wish I were not organising a walk in her memory.
I wish I were not raising awareness of the fact that healthy babies can die suddenly and unexpectedly
And there is nothing you can do to save them.
I wish I had no idea who The Lullaby Trust were and why they felt it so important to change their name
I wish I were not feeling a need to help other mothers who lose their babies like mine.
I wish I were not shortlisted as an inspiring blog as I am only inspiring because my baby died.
I wish I were not a finalist as an outstanding MAD blogger. I only stand out because my baby died.
I am only number one in the Tots 100 because my 9 month old baby died.
There would be no book to write if my baby had not died.
She just died.
And I seem to be everything without her.
That is not right.
And I don’t know what I should do about it
Or how I should feel?
I would be nothing if my baby had not died.
Nothing but a mother to a daughter
A warm blooded, rosy skinned, sparkly eyed, ever smiling baby daughter
I want her back!