Dear Matilda Mae: Without You

Dear Matilda Mae

I wanted to try and write you a letter to let you know how we are getting along without you.

We all miss you very much.

We talk about you every day.

Every time we see anything pink or purple

We think of you

Every bubble is blown for you

Every star shines and glitters for you

Every place we go has an empty space for you

You are everywhere we are.

Esther and William are funny little things.

They find each other most amusing.

Esther has learned to pedal a bike.

William loves ride on tractors with trailers.

They are both still obsessed with Thomas.

William is more than a little in love with Emily.

He takes her everywhere!

It seems that Spring is finally coming.

Replacing the cold that has been with us since the day that you passed.

As we venture out into the garden.

I miss seeing you laying beneath your tree.

Now you have a lovely new tree.

A cherry with blossom as pretty as you.

It will sit in a garden we are creating in your memory.

A place to be together and be with you.

Daddy is keeping busy.

Making Esther and William’s new room.

Making a boat to take you away

On the final leg of your journey.

I am keeping busy too

Making friends in our village and across the country

Friends who are helping me to treasure your memory and keep your legacy alive

Friends who are supporting our family and making Esther and William smile

I am writing every day

It is what I do for a release

Daddy has his wood work and I have my words

Neither of us has you

So we have to busy our hands, hearts and minds somehow

We are empty without you.

The days are easier than the nights

It is easy to fill the time

But once Esther and William are sleeping

The emptiness envelopes us

The enormity of missing you

Fills us and every room

Our house is not such a home without you

Without our Baby Tilda Mae

Our family is not complete without you

Our beautiful Matilda Mae

This week we are getting ready to go on holiday.

Your holiday.

Do you remember?

We booked it on Christmas Day.

A holiday for your birthday.

I had pictured you toddling around the farm

Getting to know the animals

Charming all the visitors to the farm

I could see you beaming in your buggy

Crawling on a sandy beach

Tentatively putting tootsies in the sea

I had imagined how the house would be decorated

The party tea we would all share

Now we will be on holiday without you

Marking your first birthday without you there

Nothing makes sense without you Matilda Mae

The world makes no sense without you

I love you little girl

I miss you every day

I dream about you every night

I will never ever let anyone forget your name

Your face

Your beautiful little face

I will never let anyone forget the little life of Matilda Mae

And through me you will live on

I am going to make you so proud Baby Tilda

With everything that I am

I love you and honour you

I adore you and cherish you

I will make sure your legacy goes on

And in that way we will be together

Until we are truly beside one another

Wrapped up in one another again

I love you Matilda Mae x

In the dappled sunlight

19 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: Without You

  1. Matilda’s memory will always live on, always. While there are people who knew her, who held her, who smelled her beautiful baby smell, who saw her chocolate eyes; while there is all of this, her memory will live on.

  2. Beautiful, just beautiful. I have no words. This is one of my favourite photos of the two of you…the light, the way you’re looking at each other with such love. So much love. Hugs xxx
    p.s. Go Esther with her pedalling :)

  3. You have a wonderful way with words, I have tears in my eyes and feel pain, but I know its only a tiny bit of what you are feeling. I’m really so sorry. I know Matilda Mae is looking down on you with the angels and is happy and just wants you to be too, she knows she you will see her again one day xxx Thinking of you ♥

  4. tears rolling down my face reading this… you are in my thoughts every day and I hope you’ll do a lot of wonderful things on your holiday remembering Beautiful Tilda. She is and will be present in your and our hearts forever. You are a trully amazing person Jennie and Matilda would be so very proud of you. Keep strong!

  5. I think of Tilda every day and will never forger her.
    I actually dreamed of her on Sunday night. I dreamed she and S were sitting on a blanket under a tree playing together. They were chatting to each other in the way that babies have, where the words sound like nonsense to us, but clearly make sense to each other. It was such a lovely dream, but i woke in tears at the unfairness of it all. That it will only ever be a dream. If it makes me feel like this, I just can’t comprehend how much it must hurt you every day.
    You are such a beautiful and strong woman and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through this and that Tilda was still with you. Like Susanne, I am so very proud to have you as my friend x

  6. I have been reading and never really know what to say, other than that my heart bleeds for you and i simply cannot imagine having to say goodbye to my own little baby daughter. I can’t imagine how the sun would ever shine again, but cruelly, it does.

    Reading this letter, I was wondering what Matilda might write back. I wouldn’t presume to put it into words for you, but just thought i’d say that she is probably up there in heaven fingerpainting her reply.

    xx Judith

  7. Such a beautiful picture of the two of you together, you can see the love between you, it is stunning. I have never met you, nor was fortunate enough to meet MM, but I can promise you one thing, that I will never forget her name nor the look of her beautiful smiling face and dancing eyes xx

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