No Sense At All

I am sat in the sunshine

Looking at our old house

Where one year ago I was in the final week of my pregnancy with Tilda

How I longed to meet her

My beautiful Matilda Mae

Named before she was conceived

9 months I had waited

To meet my precious baby girl

9 months I carried her in my womb

9 months I carried her in my arms

And for 3 long months I have been carrying her only in my heart

This is the church green where she could be playing

Outside the church where she should have been christened

And though we no longer live in this village

It will always hold a special place in my heart

On this green Esther and William had their first ever picnic

It is where they learned to walk and to roll down a hill

It is where they had their first carousel ride

Rode sledges through the snow

Across this green we made our way to our favourite swings and slide

Here Esther and William would toddle from bench to bench

It is the church where we were married

Where I was christened

Esther and William too

Today it is quiet except birdsong

I am the only one here

Me with my memories

Of pregnancy and babies

And my beautiful Matilda Mae

How I wish she was with me now

Crawling around on the grass

Listening to me tell her that this is where we used to live

This is where we brought her home to on the day that she was born

This year has not been at all what I ever imagined

No one plans a death in their baby’s first year

Certainly not the death of the baby

And that is why I am struggling right now

Struggling to be

Struggling to breathe

Struggling to make sense of anything and everything

How with just one year gone

Can the baby I gave birth to be dead?

Where is the sense in that?

No celebration of making it through the tough first year

We did not make

She did not make it

She died

Baby Tilda died

Matilda Mae is dead

9 months in the womb

9 months in my arms

3 months dead

What kind of first birthday is that?

A nonsense one

Nonsense

None sense

No sense at all

Rest in Peace Baby Tilda x

10 thoughts on “No Sense At All

  1. There is no sense to it at all. Nobody deserves to go through what you and your family are dealing with. I think having quiet time just by yourself to reflect and reminisce is a good thing as I imagine it is all too easy to concentrate on everybody else and making sure they are ok. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again – you are so strong and you are doing so well. Three months is such a short time – although it feels like an eternity I’m sure. Once again, I haven’t quite been able to articulate exactly what I wanted to say but I hope I’ve got the sentiment across. xx

  2. Oh Jennie I am so so sorry. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Thinking of you every day and especially from now until Tilda’s birthday. Sending you so much love xxxx

  3. You’re right, it makes absolutely no sense at all. My heart breaks knowing that you are feeling this amount of pain and knowing that these weeks leading up to Tilda’s birthday are so incredibly hard for you. Always here for you and always remembering Tilda xx

  4. really thinking of you Jennie……No sense is exactly what this is & this wasn’t the plan just as it wasn’t your plan. I just pray that you are overwhelmed with comfort from your close family & friends to get you through what is probably going to be the most difficult time ahead…… What do I know except that your words & a sense of what you feel touches my heart…..know that i am thinking of you everyday & how heartbreaking it is for you but also i am praying that God will just scoop you all up & protect you from this horrendous pain. I do hope that your time away will be relaxing & gives you some space to breath a little easier despite the fact it will be a sad time for you xxx lots of love xxx if only words would take this away & bring Tilda back I would truly keep typing & typing & typing…… xxx

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  6. It makes no sense and it is incomparably cruel what life has thrown at you. I only wish there was something that I could do, that someone could do, to make it all just a horrible nightmare that you could wake up from and that it not be true. I’m so truly sorry for your devastating loss xx

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