Being Brave is …
Waking up to face yet another day without Matilda
Getting up in the morning and breakfasting with two children instead of three
Putting out clothes in the morning for only two of your children
Only two pairs of pyjamas at night
Smiling and playing with two children whilst desperately longing for the third
Planning creative and messy play when really you want to do nothing but cry
Going to friend and family gatherings and acting like all is alright
Not being afraid to be sad or scared or angry in front of your children
Being able to make them understand that none of this is their fault
Planning your days for weeks and months in advance so that you know there is always something to look forward to
Planning the best things for the saddest days so that Esther and William are okay
Letting your children go to school though you constantly worry they may not come back
Letting your children go to sleep though you are terrified that they will not wake
Writing a funeral for your 9 month old daughter
Building a boat to carry her ashes away
Tilda’s Boat made by Daddy x
Planning a birthday she cannot attend
Carrying her casket in and out of the church
Checking the breathing of your sleeping toddlers
Opening the door to a silent room
Meeting other similar aged babies
Considering more babies of your own
Helping other parents who know what we know
Making our friends and family think that we are alright
Telling the truth that we are far from alright
Knowing the people you want and need round you and keeping them close
Spending time alone
Being alone with thoughts and memories
Sharing the deepest thoughts and darkest memories
Holding your partner’s hand and pulling them through
Letting your husband take control
Talking to Esther and William about heaven
Telling them Tilda will never be back
Being Brave is not
Smiling when I am breaking inside, it is admitting my hurt and not being afraid to show it
Putting on an act for others, it is being with people who do not want you to act but accept you how you are, broken and hurting
Pretending that everything is better now. It is NOT!
Talking about life as though Tilda did not exist.
She is our third child and always will be.
Bravery is making sure she is a part of our every day life and not being afraid to mention her name.
She may be dead but she is still my baby.
I am her mummy for always.
My bravery is that I love her now as I did when she was in my arms.
I am not afraid to cry.
I am not afraid to rage.
I am doing the best I can to live my life and care for my children.
All of them.
That is what it is to be brave!
You are the bravest person I know. X x x
There are no words Jennie that will make things better for you, i just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts x
Oh Jennie. That boat is beautiful.
You are very brave.
I just wish brave could bring Matilda back to you x x x
Thinking of you every single day x x
Please never ever feel you have to put on a brave face with me and smile when you want to scream or cry. Please never feel like you have to pretend Tilda did not exist. I’m here for you in whatever way you need. Be it to smile about happy memories of Tilda or hug you and cry at the pure unfairness of it xx
You are so very brave, and David too. What a beautiful boat he has made for his girl xxx
such a brave mummy to your three beautiful children, sending you virtual *hugs* xxx
You are being brave with every second of every day. What a beautiful boat for a bright shining star, what a thing for a father to have to do 🙁 x
You don’t know me but I’ve followed your blog for about six months. I just wanted to say Tilda’s boat is so beautiful. I’m so sorry that you & your family have lost your lovely girl. My family are all looking forward to walking the Mile in her memory xxx
You are a very brave mummy. The boat is simply beautiful. Lots of hugs xxxx
I habe no doubts whatsoever that you and David are made of something special. I watched you carry yoir daughter into that church I watched yoir face light up when picture after picture of your precious baby filled the screen. I saw you as you left that church and I knew then that you were not ok, things were not ok and may be that way for a long time. I do not expect you to pretend. How can you? I made you a promise that day which speaks volumes about your bravery. The boat is beautiful and I think its very symbolic of the journey you both face too. I will be thinking of you both so much as you set it free and say a final goodbye xxxxxx
Like Suzanne, I saw how incredibly brave you and David were 7th March – a day that will stay with me forever. You will stay with me forever. Tilda will stay with me forever. You are the bravest person I know, Jennie. I know you are breaking. I know this pain you are feeling is making you crumble. I just wish, with all my heart, there was something I could do xx
A beautiful boat for a very beautiful baby. Wishing it wasn’t so for you all, but you have made these past few weeks a testament of your love for your Matilda Mae.
You and David are undoubtably brave, but more so, through your blog you have made a pathway for us all to walk with you on your journey so far, we are all virtually standing behind you both in your final goodbye. For us to be ‘part’ of your lives, makes you an open, honest, sincere, courageous, loving, incredible human being, but above all an amazing mother.
Thinking of you all always xx
Jennie, you and David have had your lives turned upside down, inside out. You have shown incredible bravery in everything I’ve seen from afar- bravely and dignity in how to honour and remember a baby lost, how you grieve and how you create a lasting tribute to Matilda Mae.
Tilda’s ashes will travel to the Garden of Delight in beautiful vessel! As beautiful, in its own way, as that which held her gorgeous soul for her short life.
… David did an amazing job!
Such a brave and honest post. And such a poignant and tragic, but beautiful boat xx
I don’t know you Jennie but I read your blog a lot, and know about Matilda Mae. I have no idea how you are able to face it, but you do and by definition this makes you brave. To be honest I don’t think the word really does you and all the parents who have lost a child, justice. Keep writing you’re so good at it x
And you are all still being brave. It is horrible that you have to be brave. I wish I could make it all better by bringing Matilda back for you. We all would if we could. Huge hugs. x
And you are all still being brave. It is horrible that you have to be brave. I wish I could make it all better by bringing Matilda back for you. We all would if we could. Huge hugs. x