Birthday Ashes

David and I have been planning and replanning our final goodbye to Tilda.

Our ’til we meet again’.

We have always wanted to scatter her ashes in the sea.

And today as we cycled along the Camel Estuary and played on the beach at Polzeath I felt so close to Tilda.

We all did.

I know that we are doing the right thing.

She is our Star of the Sea.

It is what her middle name means.

It is perhaps what she was born to be?

An angel.

A star of the sea.

We have always planned to use a boat

To take Matilda Mae out to sea.

David created a Balsa wood long ship

But now we have changed our minds.

On Thursday

Baby Tilda’s first birthday

We will set the little boat sail

It will carry our love and hopes and dream and wishes

And balsa wood stars

It will carry them all to Tilda

But it will not carry her.

The boat will sail gently out to sea

Followed by a trail of pink and purple flowers

Tilda will be making her journey in another boat

Her journey to the sea will start at the river

At Coombe Mill

On Thursday morning Esther and William will each be given a balsa wood boat

To play with in the stream at Coombe Mill

On Thursday night

At sunset

While Esther and William are sleeping

David and I will take each others’ hands

We will walk down to the river that we can see from our cottage

We will say our goodbyes

Make our peace

And set the last of our daughter free

It will be just the three of us

For a last goodbye

A ’til we meet again’

We will place her ashes in the boat

Set fire to the boat

And watch it sail away.

I think that this is the best way for Thursday to be

The imagery is just too hard to explain to Esther and William at the moment

They will be part of Tilda’s birthday wishes

And one day

We will tell them

About her birthday ashes

When they are old enough to understand

And not be scared

We will take them down to the river at Coombe Mill

And tell them Tilda’s story

Thursday night will be for us and Baby Tilda

And I think it might be the thing that makes my heart finally snap entirely in two

Except I will know

That this day next year

We can come back here

To the same river in the same farm

The same perfect peaceful spot

And sail balsa wood boats in honour of our baby girl

As we remember

Her birthday ashes

46 thoughts on “Birthday Ashes

  1. I am quite speachless, you are such a loving and caring family. What you are doing is so beautiful and so right for You, for David and for the Twins. I never met Tilda but I feel her presence around you, a part of her is within you all always. A small part will forever be remembered here at Coombe Mill. I hope the stars are as bright on Thursday night as they will be tonight. x

  2. I have only recently started reading your blog and spent a while reading over your old posts. I just wanted to say I think you are such a strong woman and every day will get easier, we have been through the loss of a child and although the pain is unbearable at the moment you will one day find peace. I wish you strength for when the time comes to send your beautiful baby off in to the sea. I will be thinking of you and your family. X

  3. oh jennie, that sounds so special. A beautiful start for her journey, and all of yours. I will be thinking of you jennie on thursday, and I will light a candle for Matilda xx

  4. I’m always floored by how you capture the intense feeling of love for your Tilda. The engulfing sense of your grief is obvious in every post but I always feel the love you have for her even more strongly and thank goodness you will always have that.
    I will be thinking of you.

  5. I can’t even read this without crying, I really don’t know how you and David are holding it together. I will definitely be thinking of you on Thursday and sending you loads of love x x

  6. What you have chosen sounds just perfect for her. I haven’t decided yet what I will be doing on Thursday to honour Matilda Mae but I will be doing something special for her and for you. She will never, ever be forgotten, she was so special.

  7. That sounds like the perfect thing to do to say goodbye. Sometimes you need for it just to be the two of you and Tilda. And I am so very pleased that you will always be able to come back to Coombe Mill to celebrate your precious star.

  8. My heart breaks at the thought of what you will do on Thursday, but I am glad you have found a way to say goodbye to the physical part of Tilda in a way that is so right for you and David,and the twins. I would imagine you will both be very upset and just need to hold each other – it is your time, and you don’t need to be worrying about how Esther and William are coping at that moment. You and David welcomed her physical being into the world together on her birthday and will set her free together too. But the essence of her, her spirit, and the love you share will always be with you. Thinking of you all xx

  9. Beautiful. You are so very close to us here, geographically we could hold hands and watch you. So I feel extra close and almost involved. Thank you Tilda for bringing the sun to Cornwall x

  10. Dear Jennie, this sounds like the most beautiful & perfect thing to do…. It was the 3 of you when she was born & it seems right that this will also be the same…….I am so glad you have a peace about what you will do & how wonderful that you can return here & know that she set sail in such a special place to you all – Tilda’s place. What a poignant tradition this will become to return on Tilda’s birthday every year or at other times too. I am thinking of you always & will light our candle for your precious Daughter at sunset on Thursday. Sending you all much love & keeping you in my prayers. Rachel xxx

  11. I can’t find any words… I don’t want to say it’s perfect, because this is so far from perfect. But in this most devastating of all circumstances that you find yourself in, this is the most beautiful thing you could do. My heart will be aching and aching for you on Thursday, as it has done every day since I read that world-stopping tweet, nearly three months ago. I’m so, so sorry – beyond words sorry – that you lost your baby girl, Matilda Mae.

  12. What you had planned originally was perfect enough, but this…this is incredibly beautiful. So sad but yet so beautifully perfect. Thinking of you this week more than ever and willing it to be June so I can give you another hug xx

  13. Beautiful. And Jennie I am so pleased you have found a place you can return to year on year. And make new happy memories there whilst feeling close to your beautiful girl. Love to you all xxx

  14. Sending lots and love and thoughts. We will light candles for MM on Thursday. Sounds just right and I bet one day William and Esther will be telling their own children and perhaps even grandchildren about MM at that same river xxx

  15. Jennie, that is so completely right, I am so pleased you have worked it out. Since you first talked about your plans, I have been thinking about the twins and wondering how you could make it something they can be a part of, and I think you have found a balance between what you and David need to do and what Esther and William can understand. You are both such wonderful parents. And I am glad that after searching around for the right place, you found that you were in it all along. Coombe Mill will be Tilda’s special place. I will be thinking of you on Thursday. Love to you all xxxxx

  16. So very beautiful, but so very heartbreaking. You will all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, particularly on Thursday. Thinking of you and sending much love and strength xxx

  17. May all your wishes and plans for Tilda’s special day be as perfectly beautiful as you have planned them, may you hold onto eachother and know you will be ok and may serendipity bring you smiles on such a difficult day.

  18. Jennie this sounds so so beautiful. I think it will be good to be the three of you. And somewhere you can return year after year. Lots of love to you all, im glad that you found Coombe Mill it seems to be perfect xxx

  19. This is both heartbreaking a beautiful. What a thoughtful send off for your little star of the sea (hadn’t realised that was what her middle name meant until now). I am glad you have found your special spot, and it’s lovely that you can visit there in years to come, where you can explain more to the twins when they are old enough to understand. Sending love, strength ans courage for you all, tomorrow is going to be so hard for you both but in some ways I hope it gives you some release xx

  20. a beautiful thought into idea, a way to say your until we meet again, to a beautiful little Princess, now a star of the seas, no matter what you do, she will always stay close in your hearts.
    Wishing the gentlest of times ahead, wishing the evening/day goes as beautifully as it can under the circumstances and each & every year, you will be able to remember your beautiful daughter at this special location, sending heartfelt love and hugs to you all x

  21. Pingback: Bubbles for Matilda Mae | 3 Kids and a Gluestick

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge