Finding a Way Forward

On my way to London.

Me, my laptop and my memories of Matilda.

24 hours of time to grieve for a baby I love and miss with everything I am.

I love all my children.

Esther and William are a cheeky challenge every day.

I would cope with them much better if I still had my baby in my arms.

The next three days are for me.

Some totally me time and then time with friends

Friends who have made sure that I am still standing

Still getting up and getting through each day

Friends who are making sure Matilda Mae will never be forgotten

That Baby Tilda

My blog baby

Will live on in everybody’s hearts.

As well as rest and relaxation

I am hoping that my time away will give me time to grieve for Tilda

And time to think to the future too

There has to be a way forward for my little family and me

I am not sure of the route yet but I know that there are changes that need to be made

Losing Tilda has crushed my confidence as a person and as a mother

And to be honest I was not that confident to begin with.

Partly because that is just the way I am

Partly because my husband is truly super human and so makes everything looks easy

This is wonderful but can make others around him feel like they are not doing so well.

I love my husband, he is truly my super hero

But I have come to rely on him too much and that has to change

For his sake and for mine

David needs to work and I need to find myself again

I was once a bright, confident, intelligent lady

Full of fun and ideas

I desperately want to be that lady again.

I want to enjoy my children

I want to be the best mummy I can be

I want to stop shouting and crying and struggling

I need to find a way back to the old me.

A lot of this I know has to do with time

Like this 24 hours

Like these three days

Time for me.

When I return from London

David and I have agreed that he will work every day from 9.30 – 5.30

Without interruption

This means, for me, to make this work I need to plan my time with the children

Time is always better for me when I have a plan

Esther and William also love a routine

With the summer holidays approaching I think this is going to be even more important

As all our classes will be coming to an end.

So part of my time away is to plan, research and resource some nice things to do

With Esther and William over the summer period

Once September comes around they will be at preschool everyday

And our lives become much more structure anyway

One of the big benefits of this is that I will be forced to have one full day a week to myself

For one full day a week Esther and William will be at school.

For one day a week I am going to have just one of the twins

As we experiment with sending them to preschool individually for one day a week

This will start as a half day in September and build up to a full day in the new year

I want to use the days to get to know my children as individuals

Which is harder to do than you might imagine with toddler twins.

I also want to build Tilda time into our lives.

I do not want us ever to forget our magical miracle baby

Who in such a short time made such a huge impact on our lives.

When I think of what she should be like now

It makes me cry out loud

She should be toddling and making mischief

I should have a cheeky and challenging three

Not two

She will always be missing from our lives

But somehow I want to celebrate the times we did have

Together as a family of five

It is too easy to be caught up in the tears and the sadness

And forget that Tilda was such a happy little thing

Beautiful babbling Baby Tilda

Who wriggled and giggled and scrunched up her toes

Gorgeous giggles

A dazzling smile

She stole the heart of everyone she met

Of everyone who saw her beautiful baby face.

She will always be our daughter.

And she deserves a chunk of our time too.

This has turned into a bit of a ramble

This is what happens on a train journey without twins

That and smiling as I say all the things in my head that William would be saying out loud

About the man asleep in the chair opposite

The lady with her legs out

The girl with her glasses on top of her head

I am so looking forward to these precious three days

But I am going to miss my children so much

Each and every one of them.

But soon I will be home

And I hope I might be a calmer and happier stronger mummy

And more of a match for my hero of a husband

Back to be better for my family

Who I love with all my heart.

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14 thoughts on “Finding a Way Forward

  1. I hope that your time away from your house and family will give you a bit of time to just be. For what it’s worth I think you are a fantastic mother who feels like she is doing it wrong well you aren’t. Have faith in your skills which are amazing and take care x

  2. Have a wonderful time away. And remeber, heroes come in all shapes and sizes. Just because you are different in how you do things from David, that does not mean your way is less important or less worth celebrating. x

  3. I think of you all everyday and of your beautiful baby Matilda. I think you are a great mummy for all that you do for your family and I hope that you have the time you need this weekend to yourself. Take care xxx

  4. I’m sure David thinks you are his hero too :)
    Bet you are really looking forward to your individual days with them in Sept.
    Enjoy the weekend, it’s funny we crave time away from the children, yet we miss them oh so much on days away :) x

  5. Be gentle with yourself and you will find your way with Matilda in your heart and your memorise. Enjoy your weekend and hope all the hugs from your friends brings you comfort. Take care x

  6. Someone once told me that grief was like the Going On A Bear Hunt Story, you can’t go over it, you can’t go round it, you just have to go through it. I can’t begin imagine what it must be like for you, going through it. x

    I use The Children’s Year for inspiration when I need it. A great book for seasonal ideas.

  7. I hope your three-day break was good for your soul, and helped you to see some light. I think of you all so often.

    I think your plan to spend individual time with the twins is wonderful. My two are not twins but my second-born has always had her brother around (whom she loves madly – they are inseparable!) but I’ve recently put him in an extra day of nursery and taken some time out for me and her, and we go to a dancing class together, and it’s AMAZING how much better I’ve got to know her. When it’s just the two of us, she chats to me much more (rather than him talking cos he’s older and more confident, or them talking to each other). I think you’ll really feel yourself getting to know your twins even more than you do, and will hopefully give you a bit of a break too, as doing things like shopping are easier if you take one child at a time, I find.

    Sending all good wishes, as always. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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