Missing Matilda Mae

I am counting the days

The nights

Until that one day that the pendulum swings

And our beautiful Matilda Mae

Will have been dead for longer

Than she was alive

It will just be a normal day for most

But for me I know

It will be a day of heartbreak

And stabbing pain

How is it fair

That a baby so loved

Lived for such a short time?

How is it fair

She was snatched from our lives?

How can it be fair

She died?

Matilda Mae is dead.

Soon she will be have been dead for longer than she was alive.

And I still have a lifetime to go

Without my baby girl.

A healthy, happy, cheeky little character

How can she have died?

All the questions

The what ifs

The wonderings

What would our little girl be like now?

What would she be saying?

How would she be dressed?

What would she like doing?

Today I saw a little toddler

With dark pigtails

And a cheeky face

And I wondered if that is how Tilda might be

It is how I imagine her to be

How I see her in my dreams.

Every child of 9 months, 18 months

What she was

What she should be

Everything I do and see

Is a reminder that she is not here.

My heart breaks with loving her

My arms ache with missing her

Everything she was

And everything she should be

Every time I hear her name

See her face

Find her things

Each bittersweet memory

Of our precious baby girl.

I will never understand why she had to die

I will never come to terms with fact that she is gone

She is my daughter

And I love her

My beautiful Matilda Mae.

21 thoughts on “Missing Matilda Mae

  1. I know that next Saturday is going to be so so hard for you. You will be surrounded by people ready to catch you if you need to crumble. I do love these photos, you look so happy. Matilda was so so loved and I don’t think anyone will understand why she was taken
    xxxxx

  2. It’s not fair at all. Life isn’t fair – I’ve learnt this. So much over the last 12-18 months especially. Kerry and Matilda will be forever in my mind and heart. I still can’t believe Tilda is gone, Jennie. I often think about being sat near you on those steps at the MAD Awards both newly pregnant.
    My heart aches for you, it always will. I don’t know what else to say, I’m sorry xx

  3. Beautifully written as always. There are no words. I hope you feel the comfort of all those who know Matilda’s name because of you.
    Nothing can replace her.
    I think of you every day.

  4. Oh it’s just so cruel and unfair and I am so angry that that beautiful little lady has been taken far to soon. I think of that precious little girl most days and I never even knew her. Sending loving hugs xxx

  5. I’ll never understand. It will never, ever make sense to me. I just have faith that one day in many, many years when you go to meet her on the other side, it will be like no time has passed at all since you last held her in your arms and your lives together will continue uninterrupted in another realm, another dimension. What love and peace there will be in that moment and it will be so worth the wait!! I know this is a personal belief and not shared by all but I hold it with all my being. But still, you have to get through all these days and years without her somehow and for that I have no words, only “I’m sorry” and “It will never make sense, because how could it?” and “LOVE”. x x x x x x x

  6. Jennie, I think of Matilda every day still and I ask myself ‘How can it be?’, ‘How can a lovely little baby no longer be here?’, ‘Why?’. I don’t understand it either. It is so unfair, so unjust, so wrong. I can only begin to imagine the pain and heartache that you are suffering every day. I will be thinking of you all on the 2nd and although I know that the weekend will be incredibly hard for you, I hope the Welly Walk will be just as you want it to be.
    Eleanor xx
    PS Hope the bunting arrived safe and sound.

    • Whilst looking for something else, I’ve just come across these lyrics from a song by Tex Ritter:

      You can look up every night and you’’ll see me light the light
      Where I’’ll watch for you to join me someday soon
      We’’ll go lookin through the stars, for the heaven that is ours
      And I know we’’ll find it soon, somewhere just beyond the moon.

      I’’ll walk just beyond the moon then I’’ll stop and wait for you

      I’’ll just sit there by a star and I’’ll watch you from afar
      ‘Til I see you walking toward me someday soon
      Then together hand in hand, we’’ll find our promised land
      And we’’ll settle down forever darling’ just beyond the moon.

      I always hesitate a bit to post things like this but I liked the gentleness of the words so hope you do too. x

  7. It is so unfair. I will never understand it. And I don’t think I will ever quite get over it – although it happened to you, not to me. It is the cruelest loss that I’ve been touched by (albeit from a distance) in my life to date. I know you see life go on around you and you often feel very lonely. Please know there is not a day goes by that you and baby Tilda do not enter my thoughts. I cannot think of you without tears pricking my eyes. It is so very very unfair xx

  8. I still think of you every day Jennie and I still can’t understand how incomprehensibly cruel life can be. It is not fair that Matilda isn’t with you, and I can’t imagine how you must feel each and every day. It will never ever make sense. I am so so sorry. x

  9. There are just no words that i can offer you Jennie that will provide you with the comfort i so desperately want to give you… all i can say is i think about you and Matilda Mae everyday… and the photo of you and Matilda Mae looking at each other sat on the sofa shows more love than words can express… it’s just beautiful x

  10. Such beautiful photos of the two of you together, they bring tears to my eyes every time I see them and see the pure love between the two of you. That love will never fade, even though you are physically apart, you will always be in each other’s hearts. It still remains incomprehensible to me, as it is to you and to everyone, that a beautiful healthy adored baby girl could be so cruelly taken from your lives. Words fail me. Sending love xxx

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