We are grieving, We are not contagious, We are not sad all the time, We laugh, We smile, We cry, We weep for being happy, We live, We talk, We feel, We come from every background, We are sad, we lost a baby, We are…

Welcome and Prayers by Reverend Richard King

Introduction by Matilda Mae’s Mummy

It has been 13 months now since Matilda Mae, Baby Tilda, died.
She was 9 months old and died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep.
Next week will be one year since we held her goodbye.
Here in this church.
In the last year I have learned many many things
About myself, other people
About loss and grief
I have learned that there is no going back
And it is hard moving forward
After a baby has died
Nothing can ever go back as it was before
Nothing will ever be normal again
We must find a new normal
A new way to live our lives
A way unimaginable without our baby in our arms
One of the things that has touched me most
In a year without Matilda Mae
A year in which we also lost another baby
Through miscarriage
Is that baby loss is not talked about enough
I write a blog
I write very openly about life without Matilda Mae
I wrote very openly about my miscarriage
And what I have found is that I am a voice
For so many people who have been through
What David and I have been through
And have not found the words to say
It is just not something people talk about
But it should be
A person is a person no matter how small
A mother loves a baby from the moment they know they have been conceived
Every single baby matters
And deserves to be talked about
Deserves to be remembered
And to have their name shouted out loud
In the past year the thing I have learned
That has affected me the most
Is that I am not the first mother to have walked this path
And sadly, so so sadly, I will not be the last
And so we raise money and we raise awareness
We come together and we remember
We live our lives to make our babies proud
Because what else is there to do?
Today we come together
And we remember
All babies in the sky
We remember Baby Tilda
We remember Matilda
We remember Harrison
Freddie
Tommy
Hattie and Flic
We remember all those babies lost too soon to be named
Too soon to be known
We come together to remember all our babies in the sky
All angels in the sky
We come together to remember them.

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth,
Then whispered as she closed the book,
“Too beautiful for Earth”

The Cord (Author Unknown)

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It’s not like the cord
That connects us ‘til birth
This cord can’t be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord,
It’s hard to describe,
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you’re not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But the cord is my lifeline
As never before

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A Mother and Child
Death can’t take it away.

Reading Song of Solomon 2.10-13

My beloved spoke, and said to me:
Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away.
For lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove
Is heard in our land.
The fig tree puts forth her green figs,
And the vines with the tender grapes
Give a good smell.
Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away

Little Snowdrop (Author Unknown)

The world may never notice 

If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,

Or even pause to wonder 

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms, 

Or ever comes to be, 

Touches the world in some small way 

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for 

Was swiftly here and gone. 

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do. 

For every beating of our hearts 

Says that we love you.

Quote, Author Unknown

The amount of time on earth matters very little: a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him or accomplish His Plan. A stillborn baby on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God.

Born Silently – It’s Okay, You Can Have Another One

Those were the words of a once dear friend, less than a week after losing our precious twins, Harriet and Felicity, words that made me realise something. They made me realise that the loss of a baby is a lonely, desolate experience. Nobody seems to understand or dare to try.

If, like ours, a baby is lost before it is born, to most people that baby doesn’t seem real as they didn’t know it as a person. They had not spent months planning a future for their bump, they hadn’t agonised over names, they hadn’t seen that baby come to life on an ultrasound screen, talked to the bump, felt it kick, played it music. To them it was merely a bump, a bump that can be replaced. Funny isn’t it, if someone’s brother, mother, friend died, you wouldn’t tell them it’s ok, you can have another, would you?

After giving birth to my silent little girls, it was this loneliness that I found so hard. I couldn’t be with my friends anymore, I was scared to leave the house in case I saw other babies or pregnant women, I couldn’t even be with my family as their lives were continuing whilst mine felt as though it had fallen in to a dark pit. But my girls made me find the strength. I refused to be quiet, I didn’t want to pretend they weren’t real. As they were born before 24 weeks they didn’t get a birth certificate, technically they never even existed, so I wanted to make sure people knew about them and how special they were. To talk about them, to make their lives matter, even if that made people uncomfortable.

Through social media I found others who knew how this felt, and knew that no matter what, another baby could not replace the ones we lost. Others who could help me see that one day there would be light again. People who helped me and my husband create a voice for Hattie & Flic, and to spend our lives raising money to help prevent other babies being lost.

Our daughters have made me who I am now, and I am grateful to them for showing how to treasure what really matters. I may not be able to hold them in my arms, but I will always hold them in my heart.

Reading 2 Samuel 12:16-23

Then the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s widow bore to David, so that he was very sick. David therefore inquired of God for the child; and David fasted and went and lay all night on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him in order to raise him up from the ground, but he was unwilling and would not eat food with them. Then it happened on the seventh day that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was still alive, we spoke to him and he did not listen to our voice. How then can we tell him that the child is dead, since he might do himselfharm!” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David perceived that the child was dead; so David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” And they said, “He is dead.” So David arose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he came into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he came to his own house, and when he requested, they set food before him and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.’ “But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

A Talk by Rev Richard King

You Are Made of Sea and Stars by Finn Butler

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water,
and everyone you love is made of stardust,
and I know sometimes
you cannot even breathe deeply,
and the night sky is no home,
and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
that you are down to your last two percent,
but nothing is infinite,
not even loss.
You are made of the sea and the stars,
and one day you’re going to find yourself again.

Gone From My Sight by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

Harrison Dallamore

In January 2005 we found out that we were expecting our first baby. I always wanted children, and I couldn’t wait to be a mummy. At an eleven week scan, all went well until the very last moment, when the sonographer told us that our baby had a prominent heart. Prominent. A word I will never forget. We were asked to return ten days later, to double check that everything was ok, that it was probably just a quirk of growth, and the body would soon catch up with the heart. So ten days later, and nothing had improved. We were immediately sent to our local hospital to see a consultant, where we were asked to come back in three weeks’ time for another scan, with baby being three weeks older, and the heart being clearer to see. We went back, saw our consultant, who sent us to see the visiting cardiologist, who just happened to be at the hospital that day. A long silent scan followed, and the medical words severe regurgitation. I could feel the tears burning down my cheeks. This is not how it was meant to be. Our baby, 16 weeks pregnant, had a severe heart defect. One of his heart valves did not close, and blood filled his heart, flowed the wrong way. As soon as his chest grew, his heart filled the space. Our consultant lovingly used the nickname our Big Hearted Baby. We were given different options, including a trickle of hope of surgery, but we knew what the reality was, I could see it in their faces. They could tell. Our cardiologist looked me in the eyes and said, your baby is going to die. Probably won’t survive pregnancy, if it does, probably won’t survive birth, if it does, definitely will not survive life. Our world fell apart, but for us there was only one option, continue with the pregnancy, give our son what we could. We were having a boy! He was not in pain inside me, he would not be in pain if born alive. A further complication grew, as the artery between his heart and lungs was blocked. Even if his heart was perfect, his lungs would not be able to inflate. No chance of survival. And so we lived the next five months, my little baby moving every now and then, not much. My heart breaking knowing that I could do nothing to save my little boy. But I am a Christian. I believe strongly in God and Jesus, and I took comfort in knowing that our son would be cared for in wonderful ways beyond our life. Every week I went for a scan, to check that he was still alive. At 39 weeks our son was born. Harrison Alan Dallamore. He survived his pregnancy. He survived his birth. And life? He lived for 31 minutes. The medics do not know how, it should not have been medically possible. Our plan was that I would hold Harrison for the seconds he would be alive. But he had other plans. I held him for a long time, he flashed his eyes open at me once, weakly squeezed my finger twice. Then my husband held him, still breathing. Our amazing consultant held him, still breathing. Our wonderful Vicar, who rushed to the hospital seven hours prior, was able to baptise Harrison, back in my arms, still breathing. Then he stopped. My hand on his heart, feeling it beating, feeling it stop. And for a few seconds, only I knew. My baby had gone to God. My beautiful Harrison fell asleep in my arms. I looked up and told my husband. Harrison was perfect, 6lb 15oz. Born on Sunday 18th September 2005, 8.30am, and passed away at 9.01am. After nine months in my tummy, five months of us knowing he was to be an angel, he saw the sun. My baby was born, said hello to his mummy and daddy, and then went to Heaven and saw the sun. May God bless your soul, Harrison Alan Dallamore. We love you, and we will meet again.

Candles and Classical Babies
We would love everyone to join us in the lighting of a candle to remember all babies in the sky

A Paediatrician’s View

I always knew that the hardest part of my job would be the death of a baby or child. I have been working in paediatrics for almost 6 years now and I remember all the children I’ve cared for who have died. I remember counselling a lady who was 28 weeks pregnant about the risks of prematurity, but sadly her baby died before delivery. It was her only pregnancy after several cycles of IVF. I remember the first time I attended a delivery when the baby was born silently. Every attempt was made to resuscitate her but without success. I remember the father picking her up, in tears, asking how she could be dead if she was still warm? I remember the teenage girl with leukaemia who told me she liked the pearlescent buttons on my top. Every time I wear that top, I think of her. And I remember the baby who had been found lifeless at home on a Friday morning. I remember running to A&E at the end of my night shift, I remember the doctors who were there when I arrived, and being scared that I wouldn’t remember what to do. I can picture the paramedics handing her little body to me, and though we tried everything, I knew that she had died. I will never forget her mum’s sobs nor her dad’s face when he realised that their baby had died. I think of her and her parents frequently. When I got home I phoned my own mum in tears.

It is incredibly difficult to deal with the death of a patient, especially a child, and the whole team are affected. We hold our loved ones a little bit tighter, then we get up and do it all again the next day. We don’t forget though. How could we?

Believe

Sometimes I find it hard to believe
That life can be so cruel
Sometimes I am left in a stupor
As to how this can be the way of the world

A mother is given a daughter
Only to have her snatched away
The promise of another child
Fades in much the same way

How can I keep my faith?
When I watch a mother
Lay her youngest by her first
Life over before it began

It is hard to believe in a God
Who would hurt someone so much in this way
Who would stand by and let this happen
And have absolutely nothing to say

I am finding it hard to believe today
So many families in so much pain
Showing such strength, such courage, such love
As their hearts break over and over again

But I have to believe in God above
So our angels have somewhere to go
I can help other parents to find some peace
Because in my heart I know

Our precious angels are together up there
Toddling together in the sky
Giggling and playing and saying hello
They have said farewell but never goodbye

They will join hands our angels
They will always be side by side
They are each other’s soul mates and friends
Bound together for the rest of time

Our babies will smile at one another
Tell stories, have songs to sing
They will comfort one another
Peace for one another they’ll bring

Their eyes will shine
Their hair will grow
Their beauty beyond all measure
And sometimes
On occasional days
May this image bring us all some pleasure

The angels’ families are struggling now
With anger, confusion and grief
But I hope in our hearts, as time marches on
We might find some hope in this belief

That all little angels together will play
Will love and cherish one another
And look down from their place in heaven
To keep a loving eye on their Father, their Mother

Nothing can take away the pain
Of losing a child to the skies
People can talk and hug and write
People can sympathise

But perhaps some days
A glimmer of light
A sunset with certain tones
And a Mother will know
Her angels are there
Watching wherever she goes

Beautiful angels play in peace
Take good care of one another
And be assured that here on earth
We will all look out for one another

And we will always remember you
Live our lives to make you proud
And when the pain of missing you is all too much
We will shout your names out loud

For once a family, a family always
You will be cherished for all of our days
Remembered and honoured
All number of ways

Until the time we are together again
Play in peace beautiful angels
Fly high and play in peace x

When A Friends’s Baby Dies

One year ago we stood here in tears
as we tried so hard to explain
how Matilda had touched so many lives
how many were feeling the pain.

We’re not sure we realised how hard it would be
to see a friend suffer like that
to see a fried say goodbye –
nothing can prepare you for that.

But we know that this is not our grief
we do not have the right
to cry and to feel sad and wish so hard
that things were different that night.

All we can tell you is all that we know
that seeing a friend suffer is hard.
Watching her move through the days as she does
with achingly empty arms.

***

When a friend loses a baby your world starts to rock –
It’s all so surreal and you’re left feeling shocked.
You read the words over and it doesn’t sink in,
You know not what to do, nor where to begin.

When a friend loses a baby you weep for her loss,
You mourn, you feel low, but you also get cross.
How could this baby be taken away?
On what was to us just a normal day?

When a friend loses a baby you know not what to say,
It’s at time like this that you wish you could pray.
But you know that nothing will bring the comfort she needs,
You sit and watch as her broken heart bleeds.

When a friend loses a baby you stumble and fall,
You cuddle your little ones tight in a ball.
Sleep doesn’t come easy; you are always aware,
Checking on breathing and stroking their hair.

When a friend loses a baby you feel helpless and scared,
Her baby’s been taken and yours was spared.
And then the guilt hits – you know what you’ve got,
You have your baby and your friend does not.

When a friend loses a baby you know that she hides,
The things she is feeling deep down inside.
Her smile is a mask since that night with the cot,
People tell her she’s strong, but really she’s not.

When a friend loses a baby there is not much to do,
Except to hope it’s enough to be you.
When a friend loses a baby I guess she just needs,
Some time and some space to just simply grieve.

Prayers

Reading: Romans 8:24-25

We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we don’t yet have – for a man who already has something doesn’t need to hope and trust that he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn’t happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently.

The Unfinished

We cannot judge a biography by its length,
Nor by the number of pages in it.
We must Judge it by the richness of its contents
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant.
We cannot judge a song by it’s duration
Nor by the number of it’s notes
We must Judge it by the way it touches and lifts our souls
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful.
And when something has enriched your life
And when it’s melody lingers on in your heart
Is it unfinished? Or is it endless?
Reading: 2 Corinthians 4 16-18
Do not lose heart;
Therefore we do not lose heart, though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day, for our light and troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is Eternal.

Blessing