Today we went to see our Rainbow
I am booked in for NHS growth scans
Every four weeks from now
28, 32, 36
Until she is here
But on Thursday we go away for 10 days
And I wanted to be sure
As much as we can ever be sure
That all is well before we go
So we went to our trusted Mr Penman
And we saw our little girl
Her beautiful beating heart
Blood flowing as it should
From placenta to baby through the cord
Placenta high and on the back
She is breech
Bottom first
Hands and feet all jumbled round her face
We saw her tiny feet
Her perfect little fingers
She is measuring big for her gestation thus far
Currently weighing around 2lb 9oz
So heading over the 8lb marker
If I carry her to term
We saw her little face
Her perfect tiny ears
We saw her yawn
And poke her tongue out
She stuck two fingers up
To tell us when our time with her was done!
It was very emotional seeing her
The excitement started to bubble
Before each bubble burst with pangs of guilt
Guilt and sadness for Matilda Mae
All the time I was trying to see
If this new baby would look like she?
And all the time I was asking myself
How will I feel if she does?
Will I be more disappointed if she does
Or she doesn’t?
Pregnancy and parenting after loss
Is a very tricky game
A delicate balance to find within me
To enable me to be the best mummy I can be
To all of our children
Because I love them all equally
One can never take the place of another
There will always be room around our table
For all our little children
There will always be love in our hearts
For all of our children
Those living in our house
And those alive only in our hearts
They all are
And will continue to be
An important ongoing part of our family
A family of six
Our family of six
Five living and one in the sky
A delicate balance to find
My family and me
We!
12 weeks from now and she should be here
A baby among us again
The time is coming
To start accepting the fact that she is coming
Time to prepare one another
Time to get the house ready
But first we have our month of Mae
Then, then little Rainbow
We will give you the time, love and attention you deserve
Be patient with us Rainbow Baby
We love you already
More than you know x
Beautiful long fingers in the scan picture
Jennie the 30th of this month will mark the 20th Anniversary of the loss of my two year old niece. Nothing can heal the pain we feel but time gives perspective. Grateful for what we had. This is a beautiful new and brilliant life and I wish you all the best and hope you enjoy every second XXX
Oh Jennie – she is beautiful 🙂 You describe the very mixed feelings of pregnancy after loss so well. It must be incredibly tough. But you will love ( already do!!) this baby for herself and, as you say, that doesn’t take away one mote of love for Matilda Mae. Try not to feel guilty – she wouldn’t want that. Take care of yourself and precious bump! xx
Oh wow, what clear images of your beautiful baby, so funny about the fingers too!
I am glad all is going well.
Hope you have a nice time away xx
What a magical day seeing her gorgeous face! She does have a Tilda look to her which I think is .really special as it will always be a reminder of her beaut of a big sister. My aunt still celebrates the birthday (he was born silently but nether the less born & a beautiful person) of her son and it’s 23 years on… His 21st was great! I hope the month of Mae is kind to you and that June is full of rainbow excitement!
Absolutely beautiful and very touching words xxx
Beautiful scan pictures Jennie, the detail is amazing. As always thinking of you all x
Oh my she is beautiful! Thank you for sharing these precious pics. It must have been wonderful to see her and to hear that all is going well. Loving and enjoying your new daughter will never mean you miss your darling Matilda Mae any less xxx
So lovely, what amazing clear photos you have 🙂 x
It’s so lovely that you have been able to see her so clearly and that she is doing so well. The scan pics are beautiful, your little girl is beautiful and she really is coming to be with you soon, how wonderful. xx
Oh my. What a beautiful baby girl..x
Such amazing pictures!
It’s really strange, but as I’ve read a couple of your most recent posts: I “hear” a different voice relaying these stories in my head. (You know the way you read something and you give it a voice in your head…. or is that just me? Anyway…) This a stronger voice, deeper voice than before. It reminds me of the firmness in the roar of a lioness.
You are one strong mamma, with so much love to give all your children.
Beautiful pictures Jennie. I’m thinking of you all. X
Wow what amazing photos! It must have been so emotional for you but I hope your mind is at rest a little
x x
Isnt technology wonderful, she looks so perfect, as she will be, loved and cherished for who SHE is, who she will become, every day you will love her more just like her three older siblings.