Two Sleeps or Sleepless Nights To Go

Today we met with the vicar to finalise our plans for Thursday.

For Matilda Mae’s Goodbye.

We have decided that we will not travel to the church in the car with Tilda.

It is a thirty minute journey and I just can’t imagine it being good for David and I.

I am having nightmares about the funeral.

About the church being empty.

And about the casket coming open.

I should never have gone to see her body as I cannot put the picture of it from my mind.

Our daughter is an angel now.

She is up in heaven.

Above the clouds.

Catching our bubbles and smiling down.

Overseeing all we do in her memory.

In her name.

So David and I will travel to the church with my best friend, our children’s Godmother.

She is also the person I know will get me out of the door and into the car no matter what.

She will gently but firmly be telling me, ‘You can do this.’

And I can.

I will.

David will carry Matilda into the church, flagged by his brothers, like an honour guard.

I will walk in front of them, carrying a wooden star and Tilda’s floppy eared toy bunny.

The service is written.

It is a beautiful mix of memories, readings, photos, stories, poems and songs.

It is going to be a lovely celebration of the little life of Tilda Mae.

I know that I am not going to be able to stand up in front of everyone and talk and so I have recorded my words for the day.

I hope that this will be okay.

Here are some of my words for the day.

After the service David will carry Matilda out of the church, again supported by his brothers.

I will leave the church after them, carrying the star and the rabbit.

Supported by my best friend.

David and I will travel to the crematorium in the car with Baby Tilda.

The vicar, who is also our dear friend, will meet the car and he will take Tilda into the crematorium.

David and I will walk in their together.

And we will leave together without Matilda Mae.

Parents together with empty, aching arms.

Some sense of realisation.

That our precious baby girl is never coming back.

Be at peace Matilda Mae x

18 thoughts on “Two Sleeps or Sleepless Nights To Go

  1. I’m sure she is at peace Jennie. That beautiful smile says it all- how happy she was to be with you, surrounded by love. And that love is still surrounding her now, it always will. And I too believe that you can do this. It will be so so hard but you can do it.
    xxxxx

  2. Oh sweetheart, those words from her darling mummy are just beautiful. Well done for holding your composure all the way, through speaking with happiness and love of your gorgeous girl. Matilda will be so very proud of you, I wish I could be there for you.

  3. Jennie, you have been so amazingly strong, and I cannot imagine how you are feeling, you have been constantly on my mind night and day. I seriously don’t know what to say, but I know you will do with the support of so many people and friends, and family around you. I will be blowing bubbles with Amelia for Matilda Mae on Thursday and we will wear pink and purple. Xxx

  4. You have created a beautiful service for your darling girl. I cannot begin to imagine how hard that must have been. I believe Matilda is at peace in heaven and she will be smiling down. Sending you love and strength for Thursday – your saddest of days. I will be wearing pink and purple and taking my children to a beautiful sunny spot near our house to blow bubbles for your Matilda Mae xx

  5. Oh Jennie, my heart breaks for you. We’ll be thinking of you on Thursday (as I have done every day). The children and I will be blowing lots of bubbles for Matilda Mae.xxxx

  6. i ache for you and your loss, although my ache is not a millionth of how you must feel.
    she is an angel now and will always be a part of you, all of you.
    i am just so sorry.
    i too will wear pink and purple on thursday and will be praying all day for you.
    oh bless you and your beautiful family, no mother should have to go through this.
    xxxxxxxxxx

  7. Your words are so beautiful & really made me smile remembering some of the chats we had over twitter about our non sleeping babies 🙂 You are such an inspiration & my thoughts and prayers are with you always, but especially on Thursday. It will be a lovely day to remember Matilda & celebrate the joy she brought to so many lives in such a short time on this earth. Xx

  8. jennie you are an amazing strong lady. My heart is breaking for you. Matilda Mae is an angel now and she will be looking down on her mummy,daddy brother and sister and she will be so proud of you all i am always thinking of you xx

  9. Im holding you and David in my heart and thoughts Jennie, such beautiful words and sentiments – I think Matilda Mae, Esther and William are very lucky to have such an amazing special mummy xxx

  10. Oh Jennie, this is so moving. Know this, the church will not be empty, I will be there as will many others – there for you and David and everyone else who loved Matilda and who love you two.
    I hope I don’t let you down with my tears, I will try to be strong for you but as I write this I am crying for you and for David and for everyone who loved Matilda. We will give that little girl the sending off of all sending off’s .. she will know how much she was loved.
    Hold on tight Jennie … its going to be a rough ride but as you know, you can do this .. you can do this for Matilda x x x x x x x x

  11. Pingback: The Legacy of a Baby…Thank you Matilda Mae

  12. How you have managed to record those words, I’ll never know – your strength is truly incredible. My heart aches for you and for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine how you are getting through each day, I’m in awe of how you are so bravely dealing with this and keeping going not least for the sake of your other two darling children. It is the cruelest thing imaginable that you should have to face this loss and that you should have to go through a day such as Thursday will be, I will be thinking of you all and saying many a prayer for you and for Matilda Mae on that very sad day and I shall blow bubbles in her honour xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *