I asked David today if he thinks we will see Matilda again
When we die
He answered me honestly
Though it was hard for me to hear
He does not know
He thinks that he believes that we will but in a way that no one understands
I want to believe with all that I am that one day I will be with Tilda again
I asked David today if he would ever kill himself
He asked would I
Would I kill myself if I knew I could have my daughter in my arms again?
I wouldn’t
It would be the selfish thing to do
I have two beautiful children who need me here
A husband who loves me
Is the other, better half of me
And I am just starting to feel like a proper member of his family.
Our family.
Something that I have wanted for so long
I will not hurry to be reunited with Matilda
But I wish that I could know for certain that I will be with her again
I wonder now if when death comes for me
I will not fear it
If I truly believe that so soon I will be back with my baby
But I worry
What if I do not die until I am 90?
What would Matilda want and need of me then?
And if when I die I return to this age to be with her
Then Esther and William will not recognise me when it is their turn to come through
I am so confused about what happens when we die
Is heaven just a story we tell to make one another feel better
I, of course, know that Matilda is not actually a star
So what then?
And where?
And how?
Will I ever see my beautiful baby again?
I don’t think anyone has the answers, Jennie. I’m not a religious person so I struggle with this but I do like to think that there is an afterlife and that we are all reunited with lost loved ones and those loved ones see us with their eyes how they remember us – I hope that makes some sense. Much love to you xx
Those are the words … loved ones will see us with their eyes how they remember us … perfect and then it can all start to make sense!
there are just so many questions and sadly most have to go unanswered. I have said for many years now that I no longer fear death. I don’t want to hasten it or encourage it but to know that I will somehow be with my baby in whatever form again means that I can always see a positive.
I am so glad you and David can talk try not to change that as we shut down a few months into our grief and it nearly tore us apart.
sending love xx
How I wish I could answer your questions
xxxx
The Bible says that in Heaven, there will be no more tears, no more pain. That, to me, says very clearly that you will be with your beloved Tilda again.
I just recently read a book called Existence, by Abby Glines. Whilst the book itself is kind of teenagey fiction, the premise behind it which explores how souls move on when it is their time is one that I kind of hope is true – the explanation is that certain groups of souls are ‘attached’ to each other, and although the soul of a person may leave from time to time, it will return back into the lives of the other souls it is attached to, only in a different guise.
I don’t know if that makes sense to you, and I hope you don’t mind me putting it here x
Jennie, i wish i could give you the answers you so desperately need to know. The sad thing is, no one knows what happens but i think it is nice to believe in anything that makes things easier.
I heard a quote from a new film ‘Cloud Atlas’ that sent a shiver up my spine and i like to believe it’s true;
“I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I’ll be waiting for you there.”
I have a boy of 17 months, and i fear everyday that something will tear us apart, the quote above reassures me so i choose to believe in it x
I truly believe that you will see her again, I once went to a spiritualist meeting and a lady asked this question about her 1st husband who had passed, she was now happily remarried but wanted to know what would happen to her when she died, which husband would she be with. The spiritualist answered in a way which I believe is true, he said that there are many different levels in the after life, when she goes to heaven she will be live with both husbands if that makes sence, there is no ill feelings between the husbands, its her heaven so both husbands are in it.
As my grandmas mother was dying my grandma said at the very end she looked up and said Bill (her husband who had passed) like he was there in the room. I know this is not anything like what you are going through, its just my jumbled way of trying to explain what I think will happen. I am sure that when you go to heaven, your soul is not restricted by whatever age you are, Matilda will be there waiting for you, just try to find comfort in feeling that she is always with you, whatever you do, where ever you go, and she will waiting there for you.
I hope I havent spoken too candidly or upset you by writing this, I just want to give you some comfort xxx
I don’t have the answers either. I ask them myself although my loss was of an elderly person so quite different to your tragic loss. I hope you find peace of sorts and soon. I can’t believe a spirit just disappears and that gives me comfort. Sending all my best wishes your way.
Jennie I wish I could answer that. I’m almost loathe to suggest it as these things are so subjective but a year or so ago, when I was having a hellish time, I read a book called ‘Angels In My Hair’ by an Irish writer called Lorna Byrne. Its a simple, beautiful, calming story with a wonderful message. She does touch on infant and child loss. Its not a therapy or self help book, its just her story, but it helped me and I’ve thought of suggesting it to you before now. I just checked on Amazon and I think the short blurb makes it sound rather different to what it actually is. It certainly gave me a real sense of peace at a time when I needed it x
When my Grandma was ill some things happened which make me certain that we will meet those we love again. Mum and I stood in the garden holding hands wondering what to do with the news we had just been given of my Grandma’s sudden and short illness and we spoke aloud wondering if Grandpa would be waiting for her. It was August and there was no breeze. Not at all. But suddenly the tree at the far side of the garden started rustling as if in the wind and Mum and I looked at each other and we knew it was Grandpa letting us know he was with us. We said this to each other and as we did each tree in turn, like a Mexican wave, rustled until the tree just above where we stood shook massively but in a calming way then suddenly stopped. We just knew he was letting us know and I honestly wouldn’t say we are people who would have previously thought things like that could happen…
9 weeks later and after dismissing any conversation about my Grandpa while she was ill, which was not like her as usually she spoke of him every day so frightened she was of life without him, she passed away after a few days of not really being very lucid at all. Mum and I didn’t quite make it in time because for 48 hours she had been in the hospice, but the nurse said that my Grandma, quite lucidly said ‘Tell Pam (my Mum) that I have to go, please let me go now because Peter is here, he’s right here with me and I have to go with him now’.
So, I believe that yes, we will see those we love, I can’t answer the other questions of course but that is truly what I believe…
Jewish people sing a song that we sung at both my Grandparents funeral (we are not Jewish but we loved the song), ‘Shalom’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCreul4NU94. It’s a song my primary school used to sing in rounds and it seemed appropriate to sing ’till we meet again’.
And my Mum always says that those we love who have passed are like ships and we watch them sail away until one day they sail over the horizon where our eyes can no longer quite reach them. But the horizon is just the horizon and beyond that their ship is still sailing, one day we will sail over that horizon too and we will see all those ships that went before us.
Love and more love to you all Jennie. I know this is a really long reply to a blog post but I wanted to tell you what I believe because I truly, truly do. I don’t think it helps and I don’t mean for it to if you see what I mean. I know the world would be a far better place with Matilda right here with you but your post made me need to tell you what I believe. Incase it helps in any way at all. If it has in fact been the wrong thing to say please delete it.xxxx
It truly does, thank you x
Jennie, yes I believe that you will be with her again, I really do believe in the afterlife and that we are reunited. Those who believe this believe that children pass and remain children in the spirit world. She will be there waiting when it’s your time.
The Bible clearly teaches that Matilda will have gone straight to heaven. She will be at peace and live in eternity with joy. If you believe and go to Heaven also, you will recognise each other. Same for any miscarried babies. She will be there is spirit as will you, you will be like best friends. Neither of you will need for anything, just an eternity of enjoying each others company. This is my firm belief but I understand it is not everyone’s. This is what the bible teaches xxx
This is the eternal question that noone has an answer to. I think it’s a true testament to the strength of your relationship that you have been able to bring this up with David – it’s a very hard one to discuss. I am not religious at all but I do believe that our loved ones are there for us and I don’t always believe you have to wait till ‘heaven’ to feel it. You may think I am nutty but every now and then I go to see a psychic with the SAGB (Spiritual Assocn of GB) and my mother’s mother always pops up (who I was closest to when I was young) and I take great comfort from that. Even though I can’t see her I do feel like I have her on my side – I have always felt I have a guardian angel in her. I believe that little ones who leave us early are looked after by our loved ones until we are all together.. this is not something I would normally share publicly but I am sure MM is being looked after already and she’s there waiting happily until you meet again somewhere beautiful xxx
Yes, I believe you will see Matilda again and you need to have faith that you will too. You have so much strength & my thoughts are with you. x
Jennie, I have been reading your blog since I heard about beautiful Matilda & was thinking of you all so much yesterday. It is so difficult to know, but I truly believe that I will see my baby son again, in Heaven. When it is my time, I will go, and I no longer fear death, for I know that I will see him again. I believe that he will still need me, just as much as I need him (which is in its enormity!) and when I am joined by my other children, husband and family, then we will all be reunited. I don’t know how we will appear to each other, physically, but we will know who we are in Heaven. And we will have unending peace and happiness.
Lots and lots of love to you all. Your beautiful Baby Tilda had touched the hearts of so many, and will continue to do so forever xxx
I’ve done a lot of reading and thinking about this over the last few years, I’ve read Neale Donald Walsche and Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle and Einstein, and also watched hours and hours of Science programmes like The Universe and physics programmes on National Geographic etc. and for me, there are more than two sides to the coin, but also one place where religion, Science and spirituality all meet. All of this has lead me to firmly believe that our material, physical life here on Earth operates within the confines of the Universal laws of space-time, whereas once we die, we continue to exist, but from a place outside of these confines, a place where the past, present and future are all one moment! All existing, not on a horizontal time-line but like pieces of paper on a pin, all stacked on top of each other. You can only be on the piece of paper you’re currently on, one beneath you, one above, but all are present at the same time. It’s a really complicated idea because it deals with the idea that the future has already happened, but yet can still be affected by us and our thoughts and choices, both at the same time, and it’s too complicated to describe here. But I genuinely believe that what happens to us is what our soul needs to happen. That we enter and part the illusional material reality of space and time when we are meant to, according to the needs of our soul, which can be really, really hard to hear as it may be different to the wishes of our conscious brain! My answer to your main question is a resounding YES, I really, really believe (I would say know but that’s not very diplomatic! – although I feel it as a deep sense of knowing in my DNA, in every cell of my body, beyond even the level of the “gut instinct”) that we do meet our loved ones again after we die. But I also believe that time to them isn’t the same as time to us here in life – there is no time except now and all time exists as one moment as far as I understand from listening to Quantum Physicists talk on the telly! – and , so what seems like a lifetime to us, to our loved ones is like a split second. There is no rush in other words… Tilda Mae isn’t “waiting” for you in that sense, she doesn’t have to wait at all and if you go to her now, or when you’re 90 is all the same to her. So have a life, a full life and she’ll see it and follow it but all moments happen at once at the same time so already right now, she’s with you and you with her, even while you’re here and she’s there! And she is at the same time! That makes no sense in words, and to grasp the concept takes hours of reading or hours of discussion and of course may turn out to be bollocks in the end! But given that we know for a fact that space-time is a material which can be warped and altered by gravity AND that it’s been proved that two particles in space can influence each other without being connected physically, it’s not SUCH a huge jump to believe really. I feel strongly that people don’t spend enough time drawing spiritual conclusions from the most advanced scientific discoveries… when you ponder them awhile it is really mind-blowing, and it seems to me not as conflicting with religion as people seem to like to believe! x
As you know, I am a religious person and the bible tells us that we all go to heaven. Most Christians believe that everyone in heaven is the same age as Jesus .. approx 33 as this was his age when he was crucified. So if that’s the case, what happens to babies, or even the old, do they revert back to their 30s and are babies accelerated to that age? Who knows, I guess we’ll find out when we get there.
All I am sure of is, whatever age we appear to be, we will be gloriously perfect. Our entire person will be remade flawless, wholly and completely Christ-like. So whatever age we are, it will be the age of complete and total perfection.
I honestly believe Matilda will be there waiting for you when the time comes. She wouldn’t want you to come too soon, you haven’t had your call from God yet and God willing it won’t come for a very long time. She will watch you all from heaven, guide you through life and hold your hand like you have held hers.
God bless you all Jennie, daily prayers are still being said for you all in my prayer circle and will continue ………..
I hope I haven’t sounded like some religious nut, I’m not a very good Christian in the way, sending out the message is something I’m not very comfortable with, but I have felt the love of the Lord, and he has helped me through the good and the bad.
Sent with heartfelt love
Millie x x x x
Ppff.. that’s the first time I’ve tried to articulate my beliefs in any logical way and I failed miserably.. words are far too constricting for such esoteric ideas! I should just let other people who are better with words do it for me. The sum total of my reading and thinking in pure, simple language, and all my strongest gut instincts, all the things which resonate most strongly with me are that we most certainly survive in an energy, non-body, soul form after we die and that we are tied to our loved ones forever! Love is a powerful energy, more powerful and enduring than the illusions of fear, death, time and distance. And I really, really believe that you and Tilda Mae will be together forever after your death and that her waiting for you is no pain or suffering for her at all because where she is, there is no such thing! All there is is Love. She loves you, she feels love, is is loved, she is love. xxx
I wanted to post a THIRD time (so sorry for my useless ramblings!) but I also believe in Jesus, and from that point of view I am a Christian and I can’t explain how this ties with my beliefs above as I’m just not talented enough with words, but it does…they aren’t mutually exclusive at all! I believe humans’ power of understanding is growing all the time and that we need to be careful of chaining ourselves spiritually by trying to stick to explanations of religion laid down by earlier, less developed powers of understanding the Universe but I believe in a lot of the basis of the Christian religion and I don’t think you should feel at all afraid if the church is of some comfort to you… I am SUCH a cretin at expressing this stuff properly. I sound like a pompous stupid arse..this is why I don’t blog! haha… but I hope you can pick out the bits of all our responses that resonate with you. We all send you so much love, jennie. Loving that you can share your thoughts so beautifully. xxxxx
hi, i am a Muslim and just like the Bible the Qur’an also says U will meet ur babies who will recognise both parents n even if we die old, nobody will be old in heaven. You just need to believe she is waiting for U in a place where there is no pain, no hunger, no desire, no hurt just love and live for the children you have who also need their parents and when God wills U will meet again even though she will be in your heart always! 🙂
I believe that we see people how we want too irrelevant of age or time passed. Matilda Mae will see as you are now and Esther & William will see you how you are when you die. As they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Dear Jenny, I have been following you for a while – we too have a Matilda (Tilda/Tilds) who’s 8. A beautful name – mighty in battle! I totally, 100% believe that you will see your Tilda again. God is a good God. Have you read ‘Heaven is for real’? Or ‘Tilly’? With love & our prayers xx
Just before my nan died she said she could see a man standing in the corner of her room…we like to think it was the son she had lost many years before xxx
I think that when we die, our soul is free and that we will recognise that regardless of physical appearance. To me, it makes sense that as our earthly body is left behind so are our looks. Meaning you will see the light and love and true soul. So I believe you will see your baby but not as Matilda body, but her soul. And she will see you and therefore the time between it all doesn’t matter. You as a family will be together xxxxx
I don’t know the answer to your question but just wanted to say how brave you are and let you know that I am thinking of you. I came across your blog when you lost your Matilda. She was ao beautiful and so are the words you have written for her. With love xxx
Dearest Jennie, I was told your very sad story by my daughter who is a fellow Mummy blogger of yours, you have been so inspiring in the depths of your sorrow. My own Mother lost one of my twin brothers shortly after his birth in 1947. My Mum always spoke of him and although I didnt arrive until 10 years later, I always knew I had a little angel brother. As my Mum got older she talked about him much more, he was never forgotten. During my Mums last days (she died aged 78, in 2004) we spoke a lot of him, whether he would be grown up or still a baby when she joined him. I truly believe our loved ones will be what they were on earth, a Mother needing to mother, a child needing to be mothered. My Mum died in peace knowing she would see him again.
You will see your beautiful girl again but until then you must live life for her. I never knew your precious baby but through your amazing words I will never forget her. xxx
Dearest Jennie, there is no doubt in my mind that we reunite with the loved ones. It sounds a bit crazy coming from someone who pays just an odd visit to the church…
In my mind a heaven is a place where our souls are destined to go. And souls do not age, do not get wrinkless with time, do not forget because they are everything about us less the body bit. And with that in mind, MatildaMae will always recognise your soul and you will always recognise hers because of the unique love between the two of you. Time flies for bodies, however it doesn’t matter for souls. Time doesn’t matter for love. The link between the two of you is unbreakable even by death.
I know my gone loved ones would want me to live my life the best possible, happy way. Matilda Mae wants the same for you because she loves you so much.
I have sent you an email with the long answer. The short answer is yes. Love to you xxxx
Jennie, I lost my grandmother very suddenly when I was 8 years old, she was my World, but I believed and still do that she walks beside me, when I first lost her I would regularly be found talking to her, although it worried my mum, but I really truly felt her presence and heard her words in response to my questions, and in truth still now I turn to her in times of happiness and sadness. I believe I will see her again and it will from a time when I was most happy with her, similarly to David I feel it might not be in the form we are now, but in an alternate form where we recognise each other through our fond and happy memories, so perhaps different from person to person.
I have no religion and do not believe in God. But I think your final thought goes on forever. If you think of Tilda in those final moment, how she laughed, smelt and the weight of her in your arms you will be with her forever.
I am new to your blog, sadly only discovering it because of how many others were writing about your tragic loss! I am so sorry!
But I wanted to leave a comment on this post because I wanted to tell you about a beautiful book you may want to buy at some point for the entire family. It is called The Brothers Lionheart by Astrid Lindgren. The first chapter introduces you to the two brothers, one of whom is going to die. His older brother tells him not to be sad because they will see each other again. During that chapter both boys die and they do indeed meet again… And the rest of the book is about their adventures in the next world. But even that isn’t the end! It is a book that is aimed at children but I read it in my early 20s and it was one of those books that moved me so deeply I couldn’t read another for months! It isn’t religious in any way, and the first chapter is a hard read in some ways, but it is such a beautiful exploration of the neverending love between family. It might not be right for you, but I wanted to share it just im case you want to check it out.
At the end of the day, I think what YOU believe and what brings you comfort and understamding is the right answer to any of the big questions. I hope you can find your own answers in time x
All such typical thoughts and conversations of bereaved parents. We’ve had them, too.
I wondered so many times if I ended it all today, would I get to be with Finley. Until I had worked it out, I decided I would make him a part of my life in any and every way that I could. So many thoughts that I never spoke about went through my mind, and still do every day. I still don’t know the answer to that question or to whether I would actually do it or not. But right now I have a Twinkle here who fills each day with so much busyness, and I fill my nights, that I don’t give myself much time to think about it.