I feel like I am at the bottom of a dark, damp pit
There is no light to be seen
There is no way out
Part of me is desperate for an escape route
Part of me wants never to be found
I feel like I am facing a lion
Hungry, ready to tear me to shreds
A part of me wants to be beaten, eaten
A part of me wants to fight, and win.
I feel all alone on a shipwreck
Rising waters all around
Storm winds whipping up the seas
Part of me is searching the horizon for hope
Part of me is longing to drown.
I feel like I am on a bridge
Standing tall above a raging river
Part of me wants to stand on a warm summers evening
Enjoying the view
Part of me wants to jump on an icy cold night
To be carried away to a place where I can’t care anymore.
I feel like I am at the end of a bottle of vodka
Not knowing whether to giggle hysterically
Or collapse in a heap and cry
I feel like I am at the top of a mountain
I have reached the summit the most challenging way
Part of me wants to amble back down
Part of me wants to throw myself off
Feel my body smash against the ground.
I feel like I am hiding in a wooden box
Being stowed away to sea
Part of me imagines I am headed for adventure
Part of me imagines staying trapped forever
Part of me yearns for comfort
Part of me needs to feel pain
My heart is poisoned with anger
My mind is laden with hate
I feel like I am all alone
At a junction with roads to choose
I don’t know which way to turn
The obstacles I least expect to obstruct me do
The people I least expect to hurt me … do
I feel like I am forever walking
Barefoot on stony ground
I feel like I am crying out
Yet no one can hear my voice
Or if they do
They know not what I am saying.
I feel like I am drowning
And that I might fight the one who tries to save me
I might reject the rescue efforts
To save my tortured soul.
Because drowning would be easy.
Jumping just too simple.
Hiding all too safe.
If it were only for me the choice would be too easy.
I would know exactly the path to take.
But I am a mother of three children.
A wife to a wonderful one.
And I am blessed that they live on.
But it does not in any way make up for the loss of the third.
It does not ease my pain or take my hurt away.
I am raging inside.
A part of me has died forever.
A part of me can be no more.
Not ever!
So life is not ever going to get easier.
I must make the difficult decisions
Live on for the ones I love
And hope that what I do from this day will somehow be right
And one day I will see my daughter again
Because only then
Will the hole in my heart be healed
Only then will the light start shining
Only then will I take the hand that saves me from the deepest of seas
Because that part of me will make me whole again
She will make me whole again
This is how it feels to be me x
Beautiful, tragic and soul destroying to read.
Tears. 🙁 I wish you had your Tilda Mae with you. I pray she comes to meet you when you pass over many years from now, when it will feel like no time has passed since you parted, and that she crawls into your arms for a cuddle and at the same time (because of course such things are possible in the afterlife where no time exists!) shows you how she grew in another dimension the way she would have grown on Earth….I pray you have to chance to see every second of what would have been her life, in the blink of an eye and that you feel complete and light and love, and…. happy again. I wish this for you so hard. x x x
Jennie as long as I am here you will never be alone. Despite the context, this is a beautifully honest post. Love you lots xxx
Keep going Jennie you are in my prayers. x
From the heart and soul. I wish Matilda Mae was still with you on earth Jennie. What a beautiful but very very sad post. Huge, huge hugs xx
I wish I knew what to say but I don’t. And I don’t know how you carry on but I know it’s what Matilda wants. Where she is now – she wants you to carry on. Sending much love xxx
We will try and shine a glimmer of light
We will try and help you have the courage to fight
We will try and guide you on this rocky road
We will listen when you need to offload
When you feel like you are sailing into a storm
We can wrap round you to keep you warm
When the raging waters destroy your boat
We can be the raft that keeps you afloat
We can be the tonic to balance the vodka drink
We can be your lifebuoy when you feel yourself sink
When your head feels like it’s going to explode
We will all listen and help burden the load
When you are wavering on the mountain peak high
We will all listen and hear you cry
We will give you shelter until you can turn round
And we will all help you down to safer ground
Lots of love Jennie xx
Beautifully said Eleanor.
We all feel this way, Jennie.
I don’t know what to say but whenever I read a post of yours, especially one like this, I can never ever read and run. I can’t even begin to imagine how much each day, each hour, each minute and each second is a painful battle for you but I understand it is and anyone who can’t see that is mad. We all care for you and are here for you, even when our day to day lives take over. I just wish I lived closer xx
F*ck you SIDS you bring so much pain! I wish I could take it away from you, I wish baby Tilda could come back to you. Until you meet again, keep looking at those wonderful pictures of that beautiful girl. xxx
I lost a loved one last year and it devastated me. Our priest said something that helps me get through the very long days. He said, “She is only a few steps ahead of you in this journey.” I find that to be much more comforting than even thinking that I’ll see her again someday…. she’s just out of my sight, a few steps ahead. We don’t ever “get over” losing a loved one, all we can do is make peace with it in our hearts. Your darling, precious Matilda Mae is there, just out of sight. God bless you and may he grant you strength.
So true. x
Simply, wishing you well x
Absolutely stunning, brave and honest writing!
All I can do is pray and offer you a (virtual) hand in the dark turmoil for you to reach out to as and when you feel it would help. See you on Friday.
That part of you that has died…it’s not forever, as it feels now.
That part of you can and will live again. It just feels like it never can at this point in your grieving journey. Gradually, your heart will come to be at peace that Matilda is where she is meant to be on her journey.
You will, once again, be silly and hopeful and crazy and giggly and filled with fun and wonder and awe and joy. I promise. It just takes time and kindness to yourself.
When we are babies in our mothers’ wombs, that is our world! We grow, we get hiccups, and I’m sure we get discomfort at times as babies in the womb, but we have no idea that we are about to be born into a world so massive compared to our mother’s womb. We think our mother’s womb is our whole world! Well I think this world is another huge transparent womb… we’re all living in this world with no idea what massive beautiful world lies ahead for our spirits. And when we get there we’ll have such wonderful hindsight we’ll say, “if only we knew, how we would have relaxed” 🙂
Wishing you all the love in this world to help you relax and fathom the next xxx
Love to you. Have been there. Still there some hours.
Oh Jennie this was such a hard read, I hate the pain you are going through every moment, I wish there was something I (we) could all do to help you. Just know we are all here to support you x
Holding you and your angel baby in my thoughts, prayers, virtual hugs and heart every day until you are together again xxxx