Today it hit me like a wave of steel

It knocked me off my feet before I was even out of bed

Grief gripped me and it would not let go

Trapped in it’s vice like grip

I knew today was going to be an emotional day

Baby Bea is struggling with her tummy

She has not pooed for a day or two

And so is restless and wriggly

And not her usual chilled out self

Our beautiful Rainbow Baby

Is also looking, and acting,

More and more like her big sister in the sky

It makes me happy to see Tilda in Bea

At the same time it shreds my heart

The absolute unfairness of our lives

All blessed for knowing and loving Tilda

All cursed

Forever broken

Never to be whole again

Every milestone that my Earth children reach

Reminds me of the ones Tilda will never see

Every birthday celebrated by family and friends

Is an age that Tilda will never be

All the places she will never go

People she will never know

It makes me so sad

And as the 2nd looms again

I am drowning in the horror of it all

My baby died!

Today our nephews came to play

They were asking lots of questions about Tilda

Prompted by the photos we have around

Where Tilda looks so much like Bea

Where Bea and Tilda look the same

They could see the similarities

They wanted to know if the photos were Tilda or Bea

Granny explained that Tilda had died

I am so glad Granny was there

They wanted to know how Tilda had died

A question for which we have no answer

They asked why Tilda died

And were very concerned that Bea may die too

As Bea was unsettled they asked why she was crying

I explained that her tummy is poor today

They wanted to know if Bea was poorly, would she die?

It must be so hard for children to understand

All their questions with no answers

Nothing that is easy for them to understand

Nothing that is satisfactory for any of us to accept or understand

I am so glad Granny was with us today

It is funny that today I woke up feeling sad about Tilda

And then all the questions came

Esther and William are incredibly emotional and tired at the moment

Especially William, especially today

I think they are exhausted from their first term at big school

And also fighting a virus and bugs picked up along the way

William was utterly wiped out this afternoon

At 4pm he was asking for his bath and bed

Curled up on Bea’s changing mat

No smiles or laughter

I have never seen him like that

As soon as any of our children are slightly ill

The panic does set in

The helplessness of knowing there is nothing we can do

Mixed with the emotion of knowing there was nothing we could have done

It all gets muddled on an emotional day

Today was an emotional day

On Sunday it is the second of November

One year since the welly walk for Matilda Mae

21 months since our baby girl was cruelly snatched away

Died

SIDS

On Sunday we will go to the sea

Daddy, Mummy, Esther, William and Bea

We will blow bubbles to our angel baby in the sky

Send our love on the waves

From the sea to the stars

We love you and we miss you Matilda Mae

We will love you and miss you for all of our days

Our Water Baby

Esther and William love having an activity set up ready for them when they return from school

Autumn is a lovely season for small world play

So many seasonal things can be included

Conkers, apples, acorns, corn

So many wonderful woodland or farmyard animals

Harvest time is an inspirational time for sensory play

This month I made Esther and William individual autumn worlds of play

Esther has a forest floor in a box

While William has a farm in a tray

Both spaces are very small

But are proving to be just what we need for a small window of play after school

Esther’s box was inspired by one of our favourite autumn stories

Squirrel’s Autumn Search

I lined the box with felt

Red, brown, golden, green

I then poured rice on to it

I added piles of pasta

To be log pile houses

Animal dens

We added berries and conkers

Acorns and stones

Autumn leaves were strewn around

And then the animals were added

Squirrels and hedgehogs

Rabbits and hares

Badgers and birdies

Foxes and moles

Before adding the creatures and seasonal bits

We used the rice for some mark making

We made letters from our names

And the initial sounds of our autumn collections

S for squirrel

E for Esther

C for conker

A for Autumn

In William’s tray was a smaller version of his Harvest Farm

He loves ploughing the fields with his mini tractors

And loading their trailers

He loves gathering feed for his animals

How I love to watch him play

How I love to watch them both play

Together as they so often do

Or independently as in this instance

How I love to listen to the stories that they tell

The scenarios they concoct

The voices they give their characters

How I love to listen to them play

Esther and William love small world play

And so do I

It encourages talking and listening as children play together or at least alongside each other

It allows children to create stories around things they know or often stories they have read

It helps children to process ideas and new concepts

It allows children to communicate their thinking, their feelings, their fears

It enables adults to find out what new things children have been doing as they bring them into their play

This has been really useful for me since Esther and William started school

Small world play gives children a tiny space of their own

To fill with the things they enjoy

To fill with their imaginations

And how I love to watch them play

Here are some of my other small world play posts

Dinosaur Lands

Small World Stars

Flower Fairy Water Play

Construction Site

Heaven and Earth

For the last few weeks I have been blogging for The Baby Show.

I have been so excited writing posts for The Baby Show Blog and my own.

I am hoping that Bea and I will continue to represent the show as it moves to Excel in February and on to the NEC in May.

We had a lovely day at the show on Friday.

It is no secret at all that I adore The Baby Show.

This time I felt that even though I was busy all day I did not get to see nearly as much as I wanted to.

I have decided that for Excel I am going to stay overnight with Bea so that we can make the most of the show and the travelling will not be so stressful.

Though I have to say actually our journey was not too bad. With the help of Ami, from Beebies Baby Store, we got the train straight to Charing Cross and then cabs from the station to the show.

We arrived nice and early at the show and was able to feed and change Bea in the press room.

It was here that Bea and I fell in love the Stokke Care. Bea liked it so much I think we totalled 8 nappy changes throughout the day!

The Stokke Care is a high quality and high in height baby change unit. I did not have to bend over at all to be able to easily change Bea and chat to her while doing so. This close interaction is enabled by the high unit and the carefully left space for feet at the bottom, allowing you to stand in really close.

Bea was happy to lie on the change mat, staring at the chandelier on the ceiling. Need to get me one of those!

The Stokke Care is designed so that you are facing baby as you change her and not standing side on.

I have admired the Stokke Care from afar for a long time but have not used one before, and I am glad to say that seeing it up close and testing it out so very many times (!) it did not disappoint.

I love the high side bars meaning that Bea was safe as she attempted to roll.

And I adore the way in which the Care, as with all Stokke furniture, grows with the child. This is a real investment piece that over time can be used by all the family before being handed down for the next generation.

We visited the Stokke stand at the show to say hello to our friend Lisa. Bea enjoyed a cuddle while I looked at the Stokke Trailz.

If like me you live in a tiny village surrounded by fields and hills with all local walks involving tractor tracks and muddy footpaths. This is the pram for you.

If like me you enjoy walking across the Downs or other countryside in all weathers. This is the pram for you.

If you enjoy walks by the sea and want to take your pram across the sand. This is the one for you.

This is not a city dweller. The Stokke Trailz is built for the great outdoors. I have finally found a pram I think my husband might get excited about.

Those wheels! That suspension! The promise of adventures to come!

This started off as a general post about The Baby Show but I ended up gushing about Stokke instead.

I have a history of doing this!

#MatildaMae

My apologies my round up of The Baby Show is still to come

Very soon!

I am the official blogger for The Baby Show but I have not been paid by them or by Stokke for writing this post.

Every once in a while

I am given a product to review that really inspires me

The latest inspirational product

Is a beautiful handmade teepee from Beebies Babystore

The rainbow teepee is very well made

And can be used in so many different ways

I have so many ideas that I have decided to write a series of posts

Called Tales From The Teepee

The series will include some storytelling on You Tube

And also show case all the different ways which we use our teepee at home

So far we have used the teepee to create a safe play space for Baby Bea

And we have used it as the central focus for our autumn book nook

The rainbow drops teepee is handmade

It is well made

And has a CE mark for quality

The teepee can be used inside or out

But it is not waterproof

The teepee is easy to erect

And can be easily taken down and stored

The poles are positioned to give a one metre squared floor space

And the tent is 150cm high

We have been moving the teepee around our house

From room to room easily

We are really really pleased with this pretty, practical and playful product

The possibilities for this play tent are limited only by your

And your little ones imaginations

The main use for the teepee so far in our house

Has been creating our autumn book nook

I like creating spaces in our home where we can sit as a family and read

The rainbow drops teepee stands on a beautiful rag rug from Wayfair

The rug looks like autumn leaf litter

The colours are beautiful and perfect for the season

On top of the rug

Around the edges of the teepee

I have placed lots of autumnal cushions

Including some fabulous owl cushions

Again from Wayfair

The teepee is spacious for Esther and William

To snuggle up in with each other

With their autumn animals

To listen to seasonal stories

I have a basket of autumn books

And a drum and puppets for storytelling

It is lovely to sit all together

And lose ourselves in the world of our imaginations

A land of poems, songs and stories

As the evenings draw in we will be adding fairy lights to our teepee

And star projectors too

We will be using our wigwam corner for special Tilda times

I have so many ways to play with this teepee to share with you

So many exciting things to see and do

Esther and William are very excited about our plans

They are loving playing in the Beebies teepee

Esther has hosted a teddy bears tea party

William has used the teepee as a station stop

For his basket train!

The seagrass baskets from Wayfair

Have proven to be very popular play things

And a simple way to extend our teepee play

We are having such a lot of fun

With our teepee

And our autumn book nook

We hope you will join us as we continue to share

Our Ways to Play with a Wigwam here on the blog

And our Tales from the Teepee on You Tube

If you would like a teepee like ours then speak to Ami at Beebies Baby Store to find out more

And if you are interested in our other book nook accessories then you can shop for them at www.wayfair.co.uk

We have been sent one teepee for the purpose of this revies and a selection of accessories from Wayfair to create our autumn book nook

It is three sleeps until The Baby Show

I am so excited

I have loved the show every time I have been

It has special memories for me

Of meeting special people

Making special friends

And of course each time I have been to the show

It has been at a very special, significant, time in my life

Pregnant with Tilda

With Tilda as a baby

Pregnant with Bea

And now this time with Bea as a baby

And as the official blogger for the show!

I have a specific list of things I am looking to buy at the show

And with a very limited budget I do need to try and stick to my list

But …

If money were no object, what would I buy?

A Bugaboo Bee for Baby Bea
I have always coveted a Bugaboo. When the twins were smaller I would have loved a Donkey and now I quite fancy a Bee. And it will only ever be a fantasy. We live in the heart of the Kent countryside and a small urban stroller would not fair well at all here. However, if you are a city dweller or reside in an urban area then the incredibly striking and lightweight Bee could be the buggy for you.

For me and for us as a family I think we would be better with a Stokke Trailz. This all terrain pram looks perfect for autumn strolls through woodland paths and harvested fields. It looks perfects for pushing along wet sand close to the sea. It looks to be the perfect stroller for countryside living and with the seat unit being so high you can really connect with baby, communicate with them about all you can see when out on the Trailz!

In an ideal world I would love to buy Bea a Stokke Sleepi and Stokke Care. We have decorated Bea’s rainbow nursery but have not yet furnished it. I love how the Stokke furniture grows and changes with the child. Esther and William have an awesome bedroom so will be nice to treat Bea to something special too.

I love organic clothing for babies and children. I have lots of favourite brands and retailers online but I had never heard of Cudaboo before. I love the ethics of this company, producing quality clothing, educational materials and supporting animal charities. I would love to do some good and give back to nature through Cudaboo by purchasing a Cudaboo Gift Pack

I would buy some Ergo Pouch sleeping bags. I think the 0.3 tog organic cotton sheeting bag could be good for co-sleeping

I would treat myself to a Loveyush London breastfeeding scarf

I would treat Bea to a raspberry Cocooi sleep bag from Merino with a matching hat too! Esther and William each had a travel sleep bag from Merino and they were perfect even when they were teeny tiny babies. Merino Kids sell beautiful safe sleep products for little ones of all ages and stages. Love their Go Go Bags!

I would buy us all a pair of Moccis to keep our tootsies warm til Spring. So many fabulous, fun designs! And I paricularly love all the stars and the rainbows! The penguins are particularly cute with Christmas fast approaching

I would treat Bea’s gums to a MummaBubba Birdie teether, in pink obviously. Look at those secret stars!

So there you have it, some of the products I will enjoy looking out for at Olympia this weekend.

If money were no object for you at The Baby Show, what would you buy?