Today I have been thinking about hope and what hope means to me

In all but the very darkest of hours I have had hope

I have believed that things must get better

Never as good as they could and should have been

But better

The night Baby Tilda died

As the paramedics worked on her

I hoped that it was all a mistake

That my daughter was still alive

David and I clung to one another

I asked him over and over again

Is she dead?

He told me he did not know

We both knew really

Yet still we hoped

How we hoped

Because in that moment it was all we could do

Hope was all we had

That same night as the police checked on Esther and William

I hoped that whatever had killed Tilda had not also killed them

In the days that followed I hoped that someone would be able to explain to us

Why our baby died

As I wrote Tilda’s funeral service I hoped that people would come

I have hoped so much these past two years

I still hope every day

I hope that people will remember our girl

I hope each day that someone, anyone, will speak or write her name

On my first birthday after Matilda Mae died

Esther and William were taken to a shop to choose me a present

They could not read at this time

They did not know much about how I was feeling

About what I might need

But they chose for my present a sign

The sign reads HOPE

It hangs in our lounge

It makes me smile every day

It reminds me how precious they are

It reminds me of all they have been through

In their four and a half years

It reminds me of all we have all been through

And it gives me hope for what may come

This innocent coincidence gives me hope

When I first fell pregnant after Matilda Mae

I hoped our rainbow baby would stay

Sadly our first rainbow did not

I hoped after the first scan

That the lack of heartbeat was a mistake

It was not

Every month while battling depression and grappling with grief

I hoped I would fall pregnant again

I hoped that our rainbow would come

When I first heard Bea’s heartbeat it gave me hope

Hope in a Heartbeat

When I first met our wonderful consultant with our rainbow pregnancy she gave me hope

Hope

As Bea continued to grow inside of me she filled my heart with hope

It was always going to be her middle name

Baby Beatrice Hope

And Bea now gives me hope every day

As do Esther and William

They each shine their magical lanterns of hope

Into the darkest corners of my grief and depression

They are the reason I continue to live

They are my reason to be

My motivation to fight

They raise me up in ways I never thought possible

My children are my light

My hope

Beatrice Hope

A lot of thought went into that name

But she was always Hope from the start

Our Rainbow Baby

Light after darkness

Life after death

Hope after despair

Bringing colour into the black

And letting us believe again that we might live

Letting us believe that though we miss Baby Tilda everyday

Though our pain does not lessen

Though our grief does not go away

Though we will hurt always

Cry often

We must also hope and love

Baby Bea allows us to believe we might live

With our Rainbow Baby in our arms

And our Angel Baby in our hearts

Our crazy twins and all they are

All we are together

We might live!

Grief changes us
The pain sculpts us
into someone who
understands more deeply
hurts more often
appreciates more quickly
cries more easily
hopes more desperately
loves more openly
~ Tanya Lord, The Grief Toolbox

We might live!