I am trying really really hard this year
Not to cry through the whole of advent
To have a holly jolly Christmas
For my own children
And those I teach
It is so hard
So physically, emotionally and mentally hard
Life is generally hard without Tilda
With one of my beautiful daughters missing
It is especially hard at this time of year
As I relive all of Tilda’s firsts
That were also her lasts
I may not shout her name out every day
Or bore everyone with the details
Of Tilda’s first and last, her only Christmas
But she is at the fore front of my mind every day
Every single day
Her absence weighs heavy in my heart
And I see a space for her everywhere
In everything I do
Being at school is especially hard
Stars mean very different things to me than they do to others
Angels are very different for me than for most
Christmas carols harder to sing
The spirit of the season harder to find
This is a time of year for children
And one of mine is missing
One of mine is dead
And while you may have moved forward
Moved on
Please please know that I have not
And though I can conceal Tilda in my heart a little easier now
The pain of losing her
The gaping hole of her absence
Strikes me down every single day
I miss my daughter
And that will never ever go away
So I will get through all the festivities
I will do all I am expected to do
But behind my smile I will be hurting like hell
Reliving those firsts
Those lasts
And knowing that my little girl never really knew Christmas
She never really had wrapped presents of her own
Never sang a song or carol
Put her hands together to say a prayer
All through rehearsals and performances
Crib and carol services
I am wondering what she would be doing if she were here?
Would she have been Mary in a preshcool Nativity this year?
How would she be?
How would we be?
If Tilda were with us now?
As the seashell holds the song of the ocean
So I will hold you
Constantly, gently within
And those who listen closely enough
Will hear your voice in mine
And know I sing for two
For you have filled me full
You live deep in me
And I will keep you always,
Quietly,
Surely
As the seashell keeps the ocean
Author Unknown
I love you and miss you Matilda Mae
Counting down the days x
I wouldn’t expect anything else. Anyone who thinks it gets easier or that you move on is deluded.
You do what you need to do to carry on lovely. She is always there with you. Inside your heart.
And inside the thoughts of many.
She is a true angel baby. Your baby.
Sending love and hugs. Xxxxx
thank you x
I agree – I don’t think you can move on from losing a baby. You just do what you can to cope for the sake of your other children. You manage as best you can, and find ways to get through the hard times.
Take care of yourself xx
I still think of beautiful Matilda Mae, and of you, all of the time. This time of year brings out the strongest of emotions, doesn’t it? Grief and joy in all of their extremes. Love to you. x