Even if you do not watch Coronation Street

I am sure that you will know

That in the last week they have had a story line

About a tiny baby born sleeping

Stillbirth

Late miscarriage

Baby loss

These are not things easily spoken of

These are things not easily shown on TV

From what I understand the portrayal

Was authentic and emotional to watch

The parents were played by parents who have lost babies of their own

I have the utmost respect and admiration for them

For playing those parts

Reliving their own loss and pain

To honour their own babies

And all babies in the sky

To raise awareness of issues surrounding

Late miscarriage

Stillbirth

And infant loss

I have wanted to write about this for over a week now

But do not feel that I am qualified

For one thing I was not brave enough to watch the show

And I am sorry for that

At the moment I am 23 weeks pregnant

My baby is at the same developmental stage

As the baby lost in the soap

It all felt too close to home

I have experienced losses of my own

Through IVF

Prematurity

Multiple miscarriages

And through the sudden death of our daughter

Matilda Mae

Aged 9 months

But I have not had to give birth to a baby

Who could not survive

Or a baby born sleeping

Sadly I know too many who have

I am terrified

That this time

Might be my time

To lose my baby

Before they are even born

The Corrie story has had me in tears

So many times this week

It has also made me angry many times

For my own losses

And the far too many losses of others that I know

Many that I call friends

I have tried on social media to share how I feel

I wrote this on Facebook

I am 23 weeks pregnant at the moment and if I gave birth today I could not, would not call it a miscarriage. I would hold my baby in my arms, they might survive a while with us, this baby is my baby and come what may now I will give birth to her and that is very different from the early miscarriages I have experienced. It is such an emotive subject but if a mother gives birth, she, the baby they deserve a certificate of birth and death. For that baby lived and died. This is all jumbled thoughts, I am very pregnant, I have miscarried two babies and lost my daughter at 9 months old to SIDS. I cannot imagine now losing this baby but if I did I would want her death treated as Tilda’s was. They are both now and always my daughters. Come what may. #matildamae

And this

People do not understand how much words and medical terms hurt, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, this is not something that happens this is a little life that is lost. A loss is a loss whatever the stage. It hurts like hell. A person is a person no matter how small. No matter how small! #miscarriage #latemiscarriage #stillbirth #infantloss #matildamae

But this time my own words did not seem enough

So I asked my friend, Mel

Someone all too familiar with stillbirth

And the loss of her own beautiful son

Please read this beautiful post

And share it far and wide

Let us break the silence

And talk about our babies

Today has been a tough day. A really tough day. Thankfully they don’t happen that much anymore.

Today I have not been a pleasant person to be around. Today I am angry at the whole world, angry that I lost my whole world. Today my mind and heart have been transported back 7 years to the moments that shattered my heart.

I don’t usually watch Coronation Street, but I knew that I would have to watch this week. As soon as I heard that actress Kym Marsh would experience the death of her baby in the soap I resolved to watch.

Part of me was watching in solidarity with the brave angel mum. When my world fell apart on Sunday 2nd August 2009, I scoured the internet reading the stories of others. I discovered that it happens to celebrities too, reading Kym’s story with sadness. Our journey’s continued to overlap with the birth of our rainbow babies a short time later. She has supported everything I have ever tweeted to her over the years, so I would watch this in support for her.

Another part of me watched with the slightly morbid curiosity of one who knows that picking that particular scab will make it bleed – but somehow cannot stop. I was intrigued to see how they would tackle the issue, given that Eastenders had covered it so successfully not so long ago.

This was in another league. I, like many angel parents, were knocked sideways with the realism of the scenes played out in front of our eyes. That was not acting – that was one of us. That was real. That was the snotty nosed, white knuckled, hoarse voice of remembering, reliving and repeating the most painful of moments.

I watched, wondering what they would show. And I was stunned. I have spent many years speaking daily with so many parents who have lost their babies in a variety of ways. I was immediately reminded of many of the stories I have heard.

Tears pricked my eyes as I watched the realisation dawn in Michelle and Steve that their baby would be born, and that hope turn to disbelief as they learn that because their baby was under 24 weeks, the staff would be unable to save him, unless he was born breathing. As Michelle quietly whispered that she could feel her baby moving, that she didn’t want to push because he was safe inside, it was as if she whispered the words of hundreds of other mums. Those moments made even more haunting because always in the back of my mind was the thought that just a few years earlier she lived those lines in real life.

It was warming, and affirming to watch as Michelle and Steve welcomed their son so gently, tenderly cradling him as if he would break. I couldn’t stop the tears rolling as Michelle quietly whispered “I want to lay with him”, without looking at Steve, almost as if she were ashamed.

I was watching an act, a fiction, but I was remembering the first cuddle with Finley where I didn’t want to hold him…. And our last night together where I lay with him, willing time to stop, never wanting to let him go. Even now I remember the feeling of the weight of his head in the crook of my arm.

I was pleasantly surprised that Coronation Street had opted to play out the scenes with such realism. This was not a view shared by everyone, and I bit back a comment in response to a tweet complaining that it was too graphic to be shared before 9pm.

Inside I was screaming “You can turn the channel over, I wish I could turn my life”.
Friday’s episodes, well I think I cried from start to finish. They continued to portray the reality of loss, capturing so many little details. I shouted at the television when I spotted a Flexmort Cuddle Cot helping them to have extra time. I was really pleased to see that they were cared for in a bereavement suite. These are a vital sanctuary for parents, providing a comfortable, calm place to make memories. Sadly not every hospital has one, and those that do often have to work with charities, such as my own charity Towards Tomorrow Together to fund them.

Michelle and Steve perfectly recreated some moments that many Babyloss parents would recognise, such as discovering that they would not receive a birth certificate because their baby was under 24 weeks and didn’t take a breath. My heart broke as I watched her say words that had also passed through my own mind “it’s as if he didn’t exist. Why are you trying to pretend he didn’t exist?

It was hard not to remember my own journey, when the pain depicted on screen was so very real. I watched as she said words very close to my final words to Finley.

“Look at you my beautiful boy, this world is so very cruel and hard but you will never be hurt or sad. Or have your tiny heart broken. Every single second of your life, every beat your heart took, you were loved so much. That will never change, ever. You are in Mummy’s heart now. Forever. I hope you know that. I love you. Sleep tight my little boy.”

My God. Those last moments… Having to hand over the most precious thing in the world, when every ounce of your being screams to stay. Leaving with a box of broken dreams (or a pillow in my case), passing the rooms with screaming babies, sounds of labour, colourful balloons. Longing to look back, run back, run away with him forever.

Floods of tears, unstoppable tears as I was remembering my last moments with Finley. My decision to bathe him, and change his nappy. To cradle him in soft pyjamas, as I read him a bedtime story. Treasured memories (which you can watch here if you wish to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5Oxnsswt90)

I was so pleased to see Michelle and Steve left hospital with a memory box, from 4Louis. These scenes have helped raise awareness of not only the devastation of the loss, but also the resources which can help. They have helped to normalise the creation of memories, the taking of photographs, shown parents holding their baby, tenderly, even after death.

I applaud Coronation Street for not only tackling such a taboo issue, but for opting to cover these scenes so realistically. I worried about their decision to ask an angel mum and dad to act such delicate scenes – however it added an extra pain that perhaps could not have been visible had it not been Kym and Simon who were in those roles. I hope that Kym’s campaign to have babies lives acknowledged with a birth certificate is successful – this small act would have such significance to families who forever feel they have a leaf missing on their family tree.

I have nothing but gratitude and admiration for Kym Marsh and Simon Gregson and hope that in a funny way, playing these scenes brought healing and comfort. We remember Archie and your angels with you. You have honoured their memory. They did exist and they do matter.