Four Years On

Four years on
Fewer stars appear on my timelines
Not so many friends send messages and cards
Less family join us to remember our daughter

Grief is a lonely lonely journey
And time is not a healer
It heals others perhaps
But not the parents of the dead child
Because every day brings something new to be missed

starlight

Four years on
And Tilda is remembered less and less

Four years on
And we miss her more and more
The baby she was
The little girl she now should be

Four years on
And we mourn the parents we should be
The couple we wanted to be
The family we should be

Four years on
And the pain is amplified
By the loneliness
The realisation
That no one truly understands

Four years on
I hardly ever hear my daughters name
Apart from my children
Including Bea
Who has never met her big sister in the sky
Yet talks about her every day
As though she is one of us
Because she is

Our daughter is as much our daughter
As any of our living children
As much as your living children are yours

Four years on
I am still in denial
That this happened to me
To us
To our family
To our beautiful baby girl

Four years on
And I know that nothing can ever be right
Things can never be normal
Things can never go back to how they were

Four years on
And I have learned
That people who really should at least try to comprehend
Have never even tried to think about how we must feel
How much strength it takes for David and I
To get through an ordinary day
Let alone anniversaries and special days
And the days around those days
Like this day
Like this one

Four years on
Our baby is still dead
She will always be dead
But in my heart she lives on
In our home she lives on
In our family she lives on

Because what else can there be?

We love you and miss you in starlight Baby Tilda
We love you and miss you in starlight
#matildamae

starlight

9 thoughts on “Four Years On

  1. With every milestone my babies celebrate, I think of the milestones that your daughter didn’t and the mummy and daddy, siblings, family and friends who must miss her so dearly. And I just hold them a little tighter and let myself love them a little deeper, because if I didn’t know Matilda, and you, I don’t think that I would ‘know’ that babies could die, not in the same way that I do now.

    Sending you love and a listening ear, always. x

  2. I think of you and Tilda every day… but as I’m not on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram my thoughts don’t often reach you. Rest assured Jennie, Matilda Mae is not forgotten… and I will think of you especially tomorrow.

  3. My heart aches reading your posts…they make me cry…noone can know the searing pain of losing a child. My eldest is the same age as Matilda mae. When I read your posts I just want you go and hug girls tight and realise how lucky I am. Hugs x

  4. I think of you often. When I look at my now 4 year old I think of Matilda Mae and her short life. I remember how lucky I am to hold my babies and smell their hair. I’ve never met you but your story touched me closely and I will never forget x

  5. My heart is breaking for you….No words could ever ease this pain, but my thoughts and love are with you today….
    Baby Tilda will never be forgotten ♥

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