Mother Scuffer: My Anxiety Is Not Your Anxiety

My anxiety is not your anxiety.

My anxiety is a desire to hide,
An inability to leave the house,
A weight on my chest,
A heaviness that stops my breath.

Noise overwhelms me.

Music makes me rage.

An overwhelming need to clean,
Prevented by a lack of energy.

Paperwork that’s waited weeks
Suddenly blocks all thoughts.

I can’t do it,
The bathroom needs cleaning.

I can’t leave the house,
The floor needs sweeping.

Everything I write feels wrong,
A comment made 10 years ago
Goes round and round in my head.

Unasked for advice overwhelms me,
So I stop talking.

I write online that I’m struggling,
The neediness of it makes me puke
So I write and delete, write and delete,
Write and delete.

I know the way out,
I know the steps I need to take,
I need lists and organisation,
Small trips outdoors.

I need to eat good food,
To drink more water,
To be kind. To myself.

I need to be brave,
I need to trust it will get better again.

My anxiety is not your anxiety,
But I will listen to your way out.

Corinne Hills, 2018

mother scuffer

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