It has been so long since I wrote anything here

So long since I opened up to anyone

I wanted to write a little something today

I think since Tilda died

Perhaps even before that

Since IVF and the premature birth of the twins

The trauma of almost dying while pregnant

Almost losing our first babies

Surviving NICU

I think for around 10 years

My mental health has been in decline

I think that all these happenings

Have taken their toll

Have destroyed any sense of self belief

Self confidence

Sense of self or self worth I ever had

And at this moment I know

I am incredibly fragile

And if I do not find a way

To begin some self care

I am going to begin to self destruct

David has been nagging me for weeks

To make a plan

To do some stuff for me

But it is so hard

There is so little time

Without taking time when David needs to be working

Any time I do take

I feel so guilty for

Even if I have half the children with me for that time

Time for me feels like a luxury

When really I know it is a necessity

And should be a priority

But it is SO hard!

But I need to find the time

Because I am really struggling

And it is impacting on everything and everyone

I feel like I do not know who I am anymore

I don’t know what I want

I’m not sure I know how to want things

For me

I feel like I am flailing

And failing everyone and everything

I know that I need to make changes

But to me making changes

Accepting help

Feels like I am failing all the more

Feels like I am admitting defeat

I get very defensive

I feel scared

I find it so hard to tell anyone

How I am truly feeling

No one understands

How can anyone possibly understand?

My defence mechanism is to hide

Cut myself off

Shut people out

Try to get by on my own

Which is just crazy

With four young children at home all the time

Edie is a wonderfully bright and creative two year old

But she is intense

As she should be at two

Bea is feisty and full of questions

She wants to know everything and do everything

All at once

And the twins are at an important time in their education

They need me to be the best teacher I can be

As well as the very best mummy

And while I know I am not doing a terrible job

I know I could be doing A LOT better!

I worry and panic about everything

I find it very hard to relax

I have recently started seeing an osteopath

He says that he can feel ten years of stress and pain

In my muscles

My lack of self care, self esteem, self confidence

Is showing through my posture

I really want to be happy

I am not sure that I will ever again be carefree

But I would like to be more relaxed

I would like to care less about

What other people think of me

I would like to worry less

About the actions of others

I want to be proud of decisions I make

I want to feel strong and adult

I often feel weak and like a child

I have four beautiful living children

Who deserve and need a fully functioning fun mummy

I want to have enough strength and confidence

To go anywhere

Try anything

I want to be a good role model for my children

For my children

I want to be a mother

That they will always come home to

That they know they can always turn to

I think at the moment I am so damaged

That I am struggling to be those things

I feel like everything is hollow

A lot less good than it used to be

Me

My family connections

My friendships

My blog

This blog

That has been my lifeline for so long

The current state of it reflects my life

Missing things

Substandard things

Lacking care and attention

Lacking content

Looking sad

Feeling oh so tired!

I feel like I am permanently and relentlessly tired

I know that David is exhausted too

I have been thinking so hard

About what I can do

To find myself again

I think to heal a little

Would help a lot

Help me and David

I have started online CBT

I am seeing my osteo

I want my energy and enthusiasm back

Some optimism

Hope

Passion and drive

I want to want things

Do things

Achieve things

Believe in things

Before it is too late

I know what I need to do

But I have no clue where to start

Where should I begin?

Where would you?