I am really struggling at the moment

With all the hype around Coronavirus

It is so hard to know what to do for the best

I want to be rational and believe that we will be okay

That it is no worse than the flu

But we do not close schools when someone has the flu

The Government does not announce new daily numbers of people with flu

To be honest I worry about flu too

I worry about everything

I suffer with health anxiety

Which is part of my much larger umbrella of anxiety

That arches over everything I am and do

Anxiety is exhausting at the best of times

And at the moment I am really struggling

Health Anxiety

I have never been very good with ill people

I have always struggled with vomit

My own and other people’s

Since becoming a mummy my ability to deal with sickness has improved

But mostly it falls to David

Who is on the whole calmer

And much less squeamish than me

My aversion to vomit though is not what I want to write about

My health anxiety began when we started IVF

When falling ill could end a cycle

It got worse when Esther and William were born at just 27 weeks

They spent 59 days in NICU and SCBU

I have never washed my hands so much

And used so much antibacterial gel as during their hospital stay

It got worse again when we brought our babies home

And the responsibility for keeping these tiny vulnerable babies well fell to me

I wrote a letter to family and friends outlining very strict guidelines for visiting us

And went into hibernation for the first six months of having the twins home

It was a lonely time

I was scared of everyone who sneezed near us

But my strict rules and regimes kept our tiny preemies from being readmitted to hospital

I do not regret anything that I did in their early days

But I do regret how my actions may have made others feel

My beginning to parenting was not the fairytale I had hoped for

And sadly Esther and William’s premature birth was not the worst thing to happen

My health anxiety peaked when my healthy nine month old baby died in her sleep

For no reason that anyone has been able to determine

I worry about the health of my living children all the time

I worry about my own health too

I worry about staying alive long enough

To see my children through their teens

And young adulthood

My age worries me

I will be 64 when Esther and William reach 30

By the time Edie turns 40

I will be 80!

That seems so old to me

I worry that I will not see my children marry

And I will be no use as a Grandmother

If and when that time comes

I really panic about my children’s health

I always have

But recently my anxiety has been steadily getting worse

I worry for Esther and William

As they approach ten years old

We are still uncovering the ways that their premature birth has affected them

ASD, ADD, SPD, dyslexia, dyscalculia

The lists go on and on

I worry A LOT about coughs and colds and viruses

Whenever William is ill it goes to his chest

When Bea is ill it goes to her tummy

Esther and William are still classes as having Chronic Lung Disease

As they needed oxygen support for so long after their birth

Something like a respiratory virus

Could be really serious for them

I am super strict with handwashing

And hand gel

The children

Especially Esther

Are very well trained

But I worry about Edie who licks tables and walls

And always has her hands in her mouth!

Sickness bugs terrify me

With four young children

Tummy bugs are not fun

And can seem neverending

My health anxiety presents in many ways people do not understand

Insomnia

Nightmares

I get quite jumpy around people who are obviously ill

I avoid going to places like soft play and indoor play or sports centres

If my children seem like they are coming down with something

I panic and over think everything

I get really cross when people publicly share their children’s sickness

Get very cross with people who do not follow guidelines for illnesses and quarantine

Most of the time no one would know any of the above was going on

I have got very good at hiding my feelings

I have got very good at carrying on carrying on

While my heart and head are racing and raging

Which is utterly physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting

If David’s poorly I really struggle

He is so rarely sick that when he is I get so scared

Think irrational thoughts, panic

I cannot help these reactions

I am not meaning to be anti social

I am not trying to be difficult

I have watched two of my children battle for their lives

Literally fight for breath

I almost died myself while carrying the twins

My baby died

And we thought we had lost Esther again when she had a febrile convulsion

You may think I am irrational

You may think I am silly

You may well think I should just get over myself

You may think I overreact

You may never understand

I hope you never do

I would not wish my anxious mind on anyone

I do not need you to understand

But until you have walked in my shoes

Please do not judge me

At least not out loud

Health anxiety can be overwhelming

Terrifying

All consuming

Sometimes I cannot see past keeping my children alive

Because the pain is still so raw

From losing Tilda

Almost losing my own life

Almost losing the twins

More than once!

I am irrational

I do overreact

I do over think

I know that I do

Perhaps you would too

If you were me?