I am finding it hard to know what to write on here at the moment

I am posting more than ever on Instagram

That seems to be my prop for getting through the days

Sharing what we do in the hope that it might help others

But it is also really helping me

We are in lockdown here now

David is able to work mostly from home

Which is wonderful

My anxiety is high

I am anxious about health and germs at the best of times

So amid a pandemic I am really struggling

I hate it when any of us have to leave the house

I lost a few days to scrolling through unhelpful and conflicting news reports

Now I try not to read too much online

I am enjoying uninterrupted time with my children

No hectic timetable of clubs and classes

Just us and the garden and our daily walk up the hill

I miss the routine much more than the children do

They are very happy to be isolated and allowed to go wild a while

We have taken a step back with our home education

I am making sure we do some maths and English every morning

But apart from that I am trying not to worry too much about doing anymore

It has been so long since we last saw so much sunshine

That we are allowing the children lots of time and space

To get outside and be

As soon as their morning work is finished

They head outside

Build their camp

And apart from snack exchange and drinks deliveries

I do not see them again til tea

They are so happy in each other’s company

They learn so much from one another

That all the while they are getting along

I take a step back

I realise that it is still very early days

And as time goes on and the weather worsens

We may find ourselves indoors more

That is when we will do more work

Watch more TV

But for the moment my curious little explorers

Are enjoying their adventures in the wild

Allowing the children space

Gives me time to try to begin to process what is happening in the world

It gives me time to hide and fret and have a little cry

I have been very stressed about food for our family

We did not stockpile

And now we are wishing that we had

I think David is going to have to go out in to the world

Tomorrow or the next day

For milk and fresh fruits and vegetables

Who knows when we will next be able to get a shop delivered

The virus itself terrifies me

I have already lost one daughter

And I really do not want to lose any more of my children

All the talk about death and protecting the vulnerable

When you are a bereaved mother with children who were born 3 months premature

And not so young parents in lockdown in Spain!

It really does cause a lot of stress and anxiety

I also worry about if one of us gets it

If one does

It is highly likely that we will all

Who is going to look after our children if David and I are both sick

My parents are in Spain

If they get sick I will not be able to get to them safely to see them

I am too far away from my sister and her children to be of any use

And also we are not supposed to see extended family anyway

It is not essential

I am also worried about our future

Worried about David’s business

I have no money coming in at all at the moment

And David has very little

I know that so many people are in similar and worse situations

It is frightening

As a family and as a country

I hate not knowing all the details

I hate having unanswered questions

I hate not knowing what happens next

It is an anxiety thing

A PTSD thing

A grief thing

And it hurts

For the moment I think I am going to focus

On spending time as a family unit

Getting done all the jobs we always put off

Lots of playful family learning

Ensuring the children have plenty of fresh air and exercise

Rationing our food

And trying hard to survive this thing

And protecting my children from the worst of the world

And I will continue to share what we do each day

On Instagram with some round up posts on here

In the hope that it will help others

With the certainty that it is helping me

Stay safe and well x